Sporty_geek is offline Sporty_geek Post #1  July 19,2011, 7:33pm

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Single parents withou split custody, is it okay to ask a man/woman you are dating why they don't have shared or full custody?

And when?
 
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Mike74 is offline Mike74 Post #2  July 19,2011, 7:42pm
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I would be very concerned if a match did not have any custody of their kids -- it indicates either that they were determined to be unfit, or that they don't care to be involved with their kids' lives. Either would be a dealbreaker for me as a divorced parent.

But don't jump to conclusions. I'm aware of several situations where the non-custodial parent lives out of state, and has no custody during the school year but instead has the kids for a significant portion of the summer. I think its reasonable to ask about custody matters very early -- custody matters are a significant factor in lifestyle compatibility. I typically discuss it, in general terms, before the first date.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #3  July 19,2011, 7:46pm
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Sporty_geek wrote :
Single parents withou split custody, is it okay to ask a man/woman you are dating why they don't have shared or full custody?

And when?
I'm a single parent with primary (shared) custody. It's a big red flag to me if a parent settled for zero or every other weekend custody. I would almost certainly ask and unless they had an explanation that went beyond the courts being unfair I would next them. If that's how they care for their flesh and blood, how will they care for you and yours?
 
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pammersw is offline pammersw Post #4  July 19,2011, 7:56pm
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I think, other than the basics of "when are you free" that you need in order to set up a first meet, and a first real date after that, I would not ask pressing questions about custody up front. I think that this is the sort of thing that naturally comes out in early conversations as you are getting to know one another. Trying to screen via email beforehand will just cause those who feel it is an intrusive question to ask of a stranger, to close you.

(I happen to think it sounds like you're prying into private matters to ask a stranger you've never even met "why/why not" they have custody. It's not so invasive to ask in person in a conversation about families, when it's in context. Some people would take offense at your asking before you've met.)
Last edited by pammersw; July 19,2011 at 7:56pm. Reason: Single parent with nearly sole custody, here.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #5  July 19,2011, 8:01pm
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pammersw wrote :
I think, other than the basics of "when are you free" that you need in order to set up a first meet, and a first real date after that, I would not ask pressing questions about custody up front.
To clarify, all I've done pre-date is as you say exchange custody schedules (and check whether they would be okay occasionally hiring a babysitter). The whys wait for the first conversation.

(Which is sometimes on the phone, and probably would be if "zero custody" to save time meeting someone incompatible.)
Last edited by shapeShifter79; July 19,2011 at 8:07pm.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  July 19,2011, 8:19pm
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As the custodial parent of my son I take little offense at questions about the situation. I do, however, take offense when my date (or date to be) puts in their "two cents" about the situation. They don't know me, my son, my son's father, the dynamics behind the situation etc. Just like when my son lived with my parents for a short time. The events leading up to that were traumatic. Their input on the situation is unwarranted and unwanted.

Being curious is fine. It's the judgmental part that gets me worked up.

Wait a few dates before asking about the situation unless it comes up organically in conversation.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  July 19,2011, 8:47pm
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
It's a big red flag to me if a parent settled for zero or every other weekend custody.
Where I live, unless BOTH parents agree to joint custody, the court will give sole custody to one parent and visitation (every other weekend, one weeknight/week & alternating holidays) to the other parent. The court cannot impose joint custody unless both parents agree to it. That is the law in my state.

I would not fault a parent for "only" having visitation here. However, having visitation does not mean you can't go to all the kids' teacher conferences, school events, ball games, dance recitals, etc. I have known men with visitation but you would never know that they didn't have joint custody from the amount of time they put into their kids' activities.
 
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flgal is offline flgal Post #8  July 19,2011, 9:06pm
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I would definitely want to know. I would wait for it to naturally come up through the course of conversation. But, be very careful what you believe. My ex husband's visitation of our children has been minimal for the last 4+ years and he's always blamed it on the fact that he's in the Navy. Ironically, his girlfriend, who is a single mom and in the Navy, believes him! Ummmm....hello???
 
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Abasinphq is offline Abasinphq Post #9  July 19,2011, 9:07pm
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I have joint custody. My kids live with their dad because I really got screwed in the divorce. So since my kids live with their dad, does this mean I'm unfit. Is this how it looks to men? If that's the case to hell with y'all. lol
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #10  July 20,2011, 3:31am
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
Where I live, unless BOTH parents agree to joint custody, the court will give sole custody to one parent and visitation (every other weekend, one weeknight/week & alternating holidays) to the other parent. The court cannot impose joint custody unless both parents agree to it. That is the law in my state.
lol As with most divorce issues, we live in such different places! In my area to not get joint custody (with a few exceptions, such as a breastfeeding infant), to not get fairly equal joint custody means you elected not to in a settlement or a judge decided you were unfit.

Obviously, check your local law before drawing conclusions.
 
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