Decisiveness: How important is it to you?

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As I tried to illustrate, one thing is completely different than making it the rule. One must retain one's life, even if it is sometimes at the cost of the other's happiness, AND challenge adds spice to a relationship... constantly giving one's life for the petty happiness of the other is pandering. BALANCE (with emphasis on the male being / seeming dominant)
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Healthy boundaries = not always "saying" (explicitly or implicitly) "yes dear"... having the (banned Spanish euphemism which translates to "eggs") to stand up and say NO, we are doing it this way. The key is a healthy balance. As much as one might like to deny it, women are socialized to seek a "strong" "decisive" man (which all too often translates to "bad boy"). With this habitual programming, as much as they might like the "nice guy" in the beginning (as a change), the programming always seems to show through (sorry, experience here). Make Duane Johnson your hero, and nothing else will satisfy you, no matter how "good". Habit is habit and always shows through. Split hairs if you will, I push boundaries to illustrate. Have always admired you / your posts + thoughts, Nightthing



As I tried to illustrate, one thing is completely different than making it the rule. One must retain one's life, even if it is sometimes at the cost of the other's happiness, AND challenge adds spice to a relationship... constantly giving one's life for the petty happiness of the other is pandering. BALANCE (with emphasis on the male being / seeming dominant)

One of worst things ever was to let her give me a ride on her big green tractor and then go in and make dinner while she finished the field (would be one thing if was single occasion... was not a "special" thing...so often it was all but expected / laughed about, though it was implicitly hurtful to both parties)

Last week, I was listening to a podcast by this guy that I am a fan and supporter of and he touched on this topic that resonated in my mind. Actually, it has been something I have always thought about, but I was glad someone else brought it up and discussed in detail.

I think one of my biggest pet peeves about online dating is that I have ran into quite a few individuals who were indecisive(either with me and/or online dating in general) and it can be quite taxing.

So, I am curious in knowing if being decisive is important to you? If so, why? If not, why not?

B.Y.

So, to you any act of kindness is giving one's life for petty happiness of the other, and it is pandering? Where is the balance that you talk about then?

I didn't get to see the rant you deleted about the ex, but it seems to have impacted on how you see relationships.

I have been called a lot of things IRL, and on these forums, pandering is a first.

You talk a lot. But don't really listen.
As it often seems that you selectively listen
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What you describe to me sounds a lot like passive aggression.
And there is a problem with a little bit of that?

Doing things for someone to keep them = smothering, not kindness. Always letting someone have their way because you fear losing them or want to avoid conflicts = insecurity.
Always letting someone have their way because (to you) the battle (relative to the good you see in the relationship) is beyond trivial is appreciation, not insecurity
None of which is kind or considerate.

*done trying to explain* You will either get it or not. Good luck.

I think that what you guys, Alteredego and Tangochef, and lady, Nightling, have been talking about is all true and is directly related to Decisiveness and Assertiveness. How far can and should you go in considering others when making decisions? It's hard to get the balance right. And I often see people come out of divorces struggling to redraw that line for themselves.

No one wants to be taken for a ride--again. It's complicated to try to get back to the non adversarial state you were in when you were first dating and falling in love. And you don't want to make the same mistakes again and fail again. So you question all your boundaries. It isn't often pretty, but it's necessary.

There's this phase a lot of men go through where they read the old No More Mister Nice Guy book from the 1990s or its pickup artist guru equivalent and then go way too far with it. But to the extent it makes them feel freer to be themselves and express their true intentions, it's very positive in my opinion.

A not nice guy is at least not wishy washy. But he can be very difficult for an equally strong (or woman who likes to consider / give image of herself "strong", even though at heart she is incredibly weak)
woman to get along with. That's a roadblock he'll keep bumping up against.

The next step forward seems to be a more mature and inclusive attitude, like Tangochef showed with his cool idea about the car plugin for the hair dryer. A guy like that is generally comfortable enough with himself that he can keep his boundaries intact without undue aggression or spikiness. That gives him the luxury of being able to consider others' needs without having to fear sacrificing himself.

And it can all be upended by him running into a woman just like his ex. Then we have an even more firmly entrenched not nice guy who will be completely unafraid to make very cutting decisions without much care for anyone but himself. All this can be turned around of course, with a few gender based exceptions, and be applied to women as well.

I think that what you guys, Alteredego and Tangochef, and lady, Nightling, have been talking about is all true and is directly related to Decisiveness and Assertiveness. How far can and should you go in considering others when making decisions? It's hard to get the balance right. And I often see people come out of divorces struggling to redraw that line for themselves.

No one wants to be taken for a ride--again. It's complicated to try to get back to the non adversarial state you were in when you were first dating and falling in love. And you don't want to make the same mistakes again and fail again. So you question all your boundaries. It isn't often pretty, but it's necessary.

There's this phase a lot of men go through where they read the old No More Mister Nice Guy book from the 1990s or its pickup artist guru equivalent and then go way too far with it. But to the extent it makes them feel freer to be themselves and express their true intentions, it's very positive in my opinion.

A not nice guy is at least not wishy washy. But he can be very difficult for an equally strong woman to get along with. That's a roadblock he'll keep bumping up against.

The next step forward seems to be a more mature and inclusive attitude, like Tangochef showed with his cool idea about the car plugin for the hair dryer. A guy like that is generally comfortable enough with himself that he can keep his boundaries intact without undue aggression or spikiness. That gives him the luxury of being able to consider others' needs without having to fear sacrificing himself.

And it can all be upended by him running into a woman just like his ex. Then we have an even more firmly entrenched not nice guy who will be completely unafraid to make very cutting decisions without much care for anyone but himself. All this can be turned around of course, with a few gender based exceptions, and be applied to women as well.

Thanks. I've always found it incredibly sexy if a man can look me in the eye, smile, and still say no to my request. That means I can trust him and I'm free to be myself with him.

Thanks. I've always found it incredibly sexy if a man can look me in the eye, smile, and still say no to my request. That means I can trust him and I'm free to be myself with him.