How can you get feedback if you're alone?


Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Azalias is offline Azalias Post #1  July 8,2011, 5:28pm
Azalias's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2011

Posts: 10

See profile

Hello everyone!

I was needing some help on just...relationships in general, I'm having a hard time finding anyone who just remotely likes me back enough to be a friend.

Despite soul-searching, analysis and asking advice from family and people who have to talk to me (religious figures/therapists), I find myself unable to establish any relationship whatsoever. They seem to find no problems with me, which leads me to believe that they either haven't found the true source of the problem, or they lie out of sympathy.

With that, I have no idea of what is wrong, what to fix, or if it is simply fate and/or terrible luck that there had to be someone in history to be in such a position for the tale to be told.

Mayhap I simply look dreadful but there's nothing to be done about that. Otherwise I am myself, I've been told I am polite, I try to dress well, hygiene, conversation rules and all that good stuff. I try to go out regardless in the hopes of finding solace, to several places and so on. I volunteer in places, join organizations when I can, try to be amicable and yet I fail. It's been years now and my only 3 friends are people whom I very very rarely get to meet (hopefully once a month).

Dating is the least of my worries I'm, sure, and while I know this is a dating advice board, I assume the tenets of dating apply somewhat to friendship.

Perhaps this tone may seem a bit selfish to these forums, to which I do hope that whatever answers and advice you may advance might help those that share my plight.

If that is not general enough, then I ask the following:

"What is to be done about one who seeks *any* company based on friendship, without being able to remedy his blockage due to the fact that he has no company to show him the error of his ways?"

I thank you in advance for any insight you can offer and apologize if I have misread rules and violated the regulations by inadvertently posting this.
 
  Reply With Quote
annother is offline annother Post #2  July 9,2011, 5:03am
annother's Avatar

Sage

Joined: Apr 2010

Alberta

Posts: 10,735

See profile

Your post makes it difficult for us to know what the problem might be. You have identified what you have done to try to improve your interpersonal skills, but we have no idea about the responses you get from friends and acquaintances.

Establishing friendships can take a long time. It also involves some mirroring of social interactions. For example, if you are invited to a dinner party you then at some other time you have a dinner party where you invite others. If someone buys you a beer, you then buy them a beer. That kind of thing.

What exactly is happening that makes you feel that no-one wants to befriend you?
 
  Reply With Quote
Azalias is offline Azalias Post #3  July 9,2011, 6:00am
Azalias's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2011

Posts: 10

See profile

annother wrote :
Your post makes it difficult for us to know what the problem might be. You have identified what you have done to try to improve your interpersonal skills, but we have no idea about the responses you get from friends and acquaintances.

Establishing friendships can take a long time. It also involves some mirroring of social interactions. For example, if you are invited to a dinner party you then at some other time you have a dinner party where you invite others. If someone buys you a beer, you then buy them a beer. That kind of thing.

What exactly is happening that makes you feel that no-one wants to befriend you?
I have no idea what responses I get from my friends and acquaintances either. I cannot even meet them or get to talk to them as they're either all busy or not here or something of the sorts. I have only 2 friends anyway, one of which is only a friend of mine out of sympathy and my origin anyway.

As for social interactions, I cannot mirror any if none happen. The furthest I ever get in social interaction is some chitchat that I can initiate.

With my therapist's feedback and my honest analysis of my behaviors and everything, I can honestly say I currently have no clue whatsoever what may be wrong with me. Incidentally my therapists' feedback is that he detects nothing wrong with my people skills as is. I'm seeing a counselor soon on learning basic interpersonal communication skills. The pastor told me to come back to the church soon, to not be lonely and that suicide is the worst thing I can commit as it harms those who already love me. So these are the three feedbacks.

To note that though I am severely plagued with sadness and loneliness, whenever I do interact with others, those feelings do not surface and dissipate, if only temporarily, so those cannot be the cause of my problem.

EDIT: Incidentally, I am not depressive, nor am I suicidal, the bit with the pastor was just to indicate how they responded.
Last edited by Azalias; July 9,2011 at 10:24am. Reason: Clarification
 
  Reply With Quote
annother is offline annother Post #4  July 9,2011, 6:35am
annother's Avatar

Sage

Joined: Apr 2010

Alberta

Posts: 10,735

See profile

Many of us on these boards are lonely in the sense that we do not have a life partner. At the same time, though, we try to get out and about and do interesting things.

Without knowing more about you, I suspect that your problems may be beyond the scope of the advice we can give on these boards. We are from a wide range of backgrounds, ages, and locations and what we have in common is the need to have feedback and advice on dating.

Having said that, many of us try to remain positive by focusing outside of ourselves. By that I mean that if we take an interest in others, perhaps by joining interest groups or by volunteering, our own problems seem a lot less significant.

If you are experiencing depression I urge you to seek medical advice.
 
  Reply With Quote
Azalias is offline Azalias Post #5  July 9,2011, 6:52am
Azalias's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2011

Posts: 10

See profile

annother wrote :
Many of us on these boards are lonely in the sense that we do not have a life partner. At the same time, though, we try to get out and about and do interesting things.

Without knowing more about you, I suspect that your problems may be beyond the scope of the advice we can give on these boards. We are from a wide range of backgrounds, ages, and locations and what we have in common is the need to have feedback and advice on dating.

Having said that, many of us try to remain positive by focusing outside of ourselves. By that I mean that if we take an interest in others, perhaps by joining interest groups or by volunteering, our own problems seem a lot less significant.

If you are experiencing depression I urge you to seek medical advice.
I see.

Should you wish to know more about me, feel free to ask assuming my puzzle interests you. As for volunteering or joining groups to help others, I have done and am continuing to do so.

Fair enough if I cannot find my answers here at any rate. I will ask this then: where would you suggest I head to in order to get me some answers?
 
  Reply With Quote
PictureImperfect is offline PictureImperfect Post #6  July 9,2011, 7:16am
PictureImperf…'s Avatar

is enjoying the view... even if she does have to make it herself!

Quick Study

Joined: Jun 2011

Posts: 186

See profile

Azalias, I agree with what Annother has said.

You mention your "origin." Are you from a foreign country? That can, sometimes, make forming relationships, and maybe even friendships, more challenging.

The fact that your post mentions suicide worries me. Did you talk about suicide to the pastor? And, finally (at least for now), you say that your sadness does not reach the surface, but you could be wrong about that. People who are depressed (I have been one myself) often are very poor judges of how they come across to other people and of what other people are thinking about them.
 
  Reply With Quote
shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #7  July 9,2011, 8:55am
shapeShifter7…'s Avatar

likes dancing!

Board Leader: Health & Wellness

Joined: Apr 2011

CA

Posts: 2,499

See profile

wrote :
They seem to find no problems with me,
If you asked if you had any problems you're asking the wrong question. Ask if they can suggest any areas for improvement and most people will be happy to help. I'm certain you, me, and just about everyone in the world could improve in some way that would make themselves a better person and hence happier and more attractive to the opposite sex.

wrote :
Mayhap I simply look dreadful but there's nothing to be done about that.
We have an incredible amount of control over our appearance. You can't make yourself look like Sean Connery--that's probably good anyway since you're only 21--but you can do alot.

wrote :
I volunteer in places, join organizations when I can,
Tell us about these. Which organization are you an active member of that involves the topic or activity you're most passionate about? What are your interactions like with members of that organization?

wrote :
To note that though I am severely plagued with sadness and loneliness
wrote :
one who seeks *any* company
wrote :
The pastor told me to come back to the church soon, to not be lonely and that suicide is the worst thing I can commit
Ahh, so you suffer from depression. Maybe this is the more important problem--addressing why you are lonely and unhappy with life? After that's solved, you won't be so dependent on others, you'll recognize when someone likes you, and you'll have an easier time making friends.




Now we're getting somewhere.
 
  Reply With Quote
PictureImperfect is offline PictureImperfect Post #8  July 9,2011, 10:00am
PictureImperf…'s Avatar

is enjoying the view... even if she does have to make it herself!

Quick Study

Joined: Jun 2011

Posts: 186

See profile

I posted a reply a couple of hours ago but it went to moderation-land, likely because it used a word (which also appears in Post #3) that the system doesn't like.
Last edited by PictureImperfect; July 9,2011 at 10:47am. Reason: The moderated post is now up as #6.
 
  Reply With Quote
Azalias is offline Azalias Post #9  July 9,2011, 3:53pm
Azalias's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2011

Posts: 10

See profile

When I mention origin, I refer to the fact I'm from the Middle East, though I look...bizarre. People have said I come from all over the place, Mexico, Eastern Europe, France... you name it. Should it matter that much though? I'll gladly wear a paper bag if it's such an issue.

The opposite sex is the least of my concerns, I cannot seem to be liked by any sex for the moment.

When it comes to looks, I take good care of myself as far as I know: haircuts, beard trims/style, daily showers, dental hygiene, clothes I pick out with the help of my family/assistants at the shops etc... I'm OCD about cleanliness at any rate.

Currently, I have joined an international education center where I help the teachers teach immigrants the English language. I interact with the students and the staff, normal conversations. I have also joined Project Footsteps, a non-profit that helps young students better integrate in society and to explore opportunities. I'm hopefully starting soon. I'm also planning on interning at a shop specializing in print and all things related to that.

As for an activity I'm passionate about, I'm not sure what you mean.

I doubt I'm depressed also. My therapist would've noticed, as well as my sister who is a doctor and ran me through a quick checklist to see whether I'm depressed or not. My assumption is that the Pastor must have seen cases such as mine that probably ended up in depression, which I can completely understand.

That probably *would* be bad, now that you mention it though, if depression causes the root of the depression to become more aggravated, then it'd be an endless vicious circle.
 
  Reply With Quote
pammersw is offline pammersw Post #10  July 9,2011, 4:36pm
pammersw's Avatar

has a boyfriend! :-D

Power Poster

Joined: Dec 2007

Seattle native now in NM - I've been everywhere!

Posts: 6,857

See profile

Are you new to your area?

What about joining some activity groups. Do you like to hike? Dance? Go on sightseeing trips? There are probably groups that do these things, and socializing with others with similar interests is a good way to get to know new people.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« The Truth About Childless Women | About You | As The (Dating) World Turns... »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Feedback for the eHarmony Singles Product Team eHA_Admin_Lori Using eHarmony 96 April 26,2011 9:06pm
Product Feedback Threads MicMan Using eHarmony 1 April 6,2011 2:11pm
Singles Product Feedback Thread - June 2010 eh_product_team Using eHarmony 144 July 2,2010 9:20pm
Singles Product Feedback Thread - May 2010 eh_product_team Using eHarmony 73 June 4,2010 3:55pm
Asked for feedback. Do you give it? shoopthedoop Dating 20 August 27,2009 12:39pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Umm....I don't think you are clearly seeing this guy for who he is. He has been with two women at all times... First...it was his wife and you...Then it was you and this other woman....And then now ... ” –  Ingytravel

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“Simple answer to the OP's question: NO. The drama isn't worth it. Tell your boyfriend you don't want to be around him when he's like this (and mean it). Go away, find other things to do, and ... ” –  Lindac7

Join the “Dating a Moody Guy. Is the Drama Worth It???” discussion

“But they are all "jocks," so none interest her. Not only would they never like or get her nerdiness since they are jocks, but as jocks, they don't read, go to museums, go to plays, eat, breath... ... ” –  emma_hazards

Join the “Super active/physically fit men not a match” discussion

“ Heh. I was thinking the same thing, I remember this thread from nearly 2 years ago! But, it is definitely fascinating to see the chip on some people's shoulders, when old threads like this get ... ” –  ScottK

Join the “Do men prefer thin women?” discussion

“Thank you everyone for replying...I think I know what's the right thing to do now. I haven't dated a lot and your advice is very helpful. On a side note, yes, he claims that this is his first time ... ” –  smilingeye

Join the “single mother asking for advice: when to introduce him to my children?” discussion

“No. Usually I am thinking In God's name, why is that kid shrieking like that?! Doesn't his mother hear him? Maybe it gets to the point where the kid's own mother can't even hear him anymore, but ... ” –  Faraday

Join the “Saw You Look” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 8:50am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0