Heyyall is offline Heyyall Post #1  July 1,2011, 4:58am

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Hi,

I have another good one. I know that all relationships develop at their own pace, but I was wondering, when and how would you address the fact that you had an abusive ex.

I was with my children's dad for 8 years. I'm really not into the guy anymore, how could I be, I don't really think he is a good person. But I still see him several times a week for pick up and drop off. Those of you who have been through this understand that abuse does not stop because you are out of a relationship. So although I have gone through a lot of education and therapy and feel very empowered, I still am very insecure about telling someone about it. Or them finding out because they witness the abuse, which would clearly not be ideal.

I have gotten comments like 'it must have been a hard decision'. No it wasn't!

Anyway, insight appreciated!
 
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jimmyh452 is online now jimmyh452 Post #2  July 1,2011, 5:49am
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I'd probably be pretty surprised to hear about this on the first handful of dates. I think this is something that can be discussed once some basic level of trust and comfort has been established.

I don't think any decent guy would necessarily see this as a reason to not continue with you.

They always say never to talk about your exes in a bad light but obviously there's exceptions when abuse was going on. I'd recommend bringing it up when the topic of exes naturally comes up in conversation. Keep it simple and not a ton of detail. He'll likely have questions about what kind of abuse mental/physical/sexual/combo of any of these? Tell him what your comfortable telling him and that's it.

I don't think this is really a big deal (the abuse is, but not telling a new man...) If the new guy is a real man, he'll be supportive and understanding and probably want to go strangle your ex (though if he's a mature man he'll temper his anger).

Heyyall wrote :
Hi,

I have another good one. I know that all relationships develop at their own pace, but I was wondering, when and how would you address the fact that you had an abusive ex.

I was with my children's dad for 8 years. I'm really not into the guy anymore, how could I be, I don't really think he is a good person. But I still see him several times a week for pick up and drop off. Those of you who have been through this understand that abuse does not stop because you are out of a relationship. So although I have gone through a lot of education and therapy and feel very empowered, I still am very insecure about telling someone about it. Or them finding out because they witness the abuse, which would clearly not be ideal.

I have gotten comments like 'it must have been a hard decision'. No it wasn't!

Anyway, insight appreciated!
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #3  July 1,2011, 8:19am
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Heyyall wrote :
But I still see him several times a week for pick up and drop off. Those of you who have been through this understand that abuse does not stop because you are out of a relationship.
Try to set your custody schedule so the change-over happens at school or daycare--one drops off, the other picks up. The last time I physically saw my ex was last Wednesday. And that's a good thing!

In... a friend's case... that wasn't possible. She carried a tape recorder and picked very public locations. His behavior eventually lost him everything but supervised visitation. It takes time, but you can solve this.

wrote :
I still am very insecure about telling someone about it. Or them finding out because they witness the abuse, which would clearly not be ideal. Anyway, insight appreciated!
If ex drama is a dealbreaker for them, would you like to know about it up-front or after you've been dating a month? I usually reveal my key issues in open communication. Of course, I mean in general terms. I would mention that my ex was abusive. I would not spend half of my first date sobbing about it. I don't hide surprises from my dates.
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #4  July 1,2011, 9:19am
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Heyyall wrote :
...Those of you who have been through this understand that abuse does not stop because you are out of a relationship. So although I have gone through a lot of education and therapy and feel very empowered, I still am very insecure about telling someone about it. Or them finding out because they witness the abuse, which would clearly not be ideal.
This bothers me a lot. You're still being abused? No, I don't know about your situation from personal experience, but that kind of allows me to have an objective reaction. Which is surprise and anger on your behalf. Who the hell is this man to treat you with anything other than respect? As the mother of his children!

I don't see the biggest issue as being how to tell another guy about your situation. I see the issue as being how to ensure you are treated decently. And especially in front of your kids. The situation itself needs to be cleaned up. But that's an ideal, I get it.

To the guy you're seeing, I would just call the ex crazy and talk briefly about how walking away from this psycho was the healthiest thing you ever did. You don't need to provide details.

This is the kind of topic you should definitely get into with a man you trust deeply. Until you're sure you have that kind of a connection, I would wait. Call ex crazy for the time being. If you open up the topic of abuse early on, that term has so much weight and freight attached to it that you will have to talk about it in detail. Jimmy is right. It's better to develop a strong connection first.

And if ex harms you or touches you in anger in any way, call the cops.
 
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CestMoi is offline CestMoi Post #5  July 1,2011, 12:15pm
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HelenDanger wrote :

I don't see the biggest issue as being how to tell another guy about your situation. I see the issue as being how to ensure you are treated decently. And especially in front of your kids. The situation itself needs to be cleaned up. But that's an ideal, I get it.

And if ex harms you or touches you in anger in any way, call the cops.
The fact that you're still being abused (?) bothers me a lot, too (understatement)!

I don't think it's necessary to get into the details with someone who's practically a stranger. It's okay to want to feel a certain level of trust and knowing someone before full disclosure of something that is so intimate and painful. It's up to you when the time feels right -- have that discussion on your terms. If he's the right guy, he'll be supportive.
 
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jimmyh452 is online now jimmyh452 Post #6  July 1,2011, 12:47pm
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HelenDanger wrote :
This bothers me a lot. You're still being abused? No, I don't know about your situation from personal experience, but that kind of allows me to have an objective reaction. Which is surprise and anger on your behalf. Who the hell is this man to treat you with anything other than respect? As the mother of his children!

I don't see the biggest issue as being how to tell another guy about your situation. I see the issue as being how to ensure you are treated decently. And especially in front of your kids. The situation itself needs to be cleaned up. But that's an ideal, I get it.

To the guy you're seeing, I would just call the ex crazy and talk briefly about how walking away from this psycho was the healthiest thing you ever did. You don't need to provide details.

This is the kind of topic you should definitely get into with a man you trust deeply. Until you're sure you have that kind of a connection, I would wait. Call ex crazy for the time being. If you open up the topic of abuse early on, that term has so much weight and freight attached to it that you will have to talk about it in detail. Jimmy is right. It's better to develop a strong connection first.

And if ex harms you or touches you in anger in any way, call the cops.
I'd strongly advise against calling her ex crazy without providing detail, not the any new guy has necessarily earned a right to the details. Simply calling an ex crazy or otherwise badmouthing exes in a new relationship is bad form. The new guy is going to think "oh great here's another woman who thinks anyone with whom a relationship doesn't work with her is crazy"

I do agree that giving any details on the abuse should be done once a certain level of trust in developed. It does seem that she wants to tell the new guy something just to be proactive and avoid him finding out another way, such as this coward showing up somewhere while they're together...So if that's the case I think she should just tell minimum details.

And I definitely agree that any incidents should be reported to the cops immediately especially if physical. A restraining order might not be a bad idea either.
 
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flgal is offline flgal Post #7  July 1,2011, 12:50pm
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Heyyall wrote :
Hi,

I have another good one. I know that all relationships develop at their own pace, but I was wondering, when and how would you address the fact that you had an abusive ex.

I was with my children's dad for 8 years. I'm really not into the guy anymore, how could I be, I don't really think he is a good person. But I still see him several times a week for pick up and drop off. Those of you who have been through this understand that abuse does not stop because you are out of a relationship. So although I have gone through a lot of education and therapy and feel very empowered, I still am very insecure about telling someone about it. Or them finding out because they witness the abuse, which would clearly not be ideal.

I have gotten comments like 'it must have been a hard decision'. No it wasn't!

Anyway, insight appreciated!
I can completely relate to what you're going through. When my ex comes to pick up my children, I hug them and send them out the front door before he even has a chance to get out of his car. I refuse to allow him the opportunity to try to "engage" me in his verbal/emotional abuse. This prevents me from having to deal with him and it prevents my children from hearing their dad say inappropriate/rude things to me.

As far as telling who you're dating, I would just wait until it comes up and mention that you left your ex because he's abusive. I think the fact that you left him speaks volumes about your character. And, what a great example you've set for your children.

Best of luck to you!
 
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Skippy705 is offline Skippy705 Post #8  July 1,2011, 1:31pm
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There's not much heyyall can do with an ex that chooses to continue to verbally and emotionally abuse her if the "arrangements" don't allow for no contact. Especially if she has toddlers, you don't want to send toddlers out the door while the ex is still in the car in my opinion.

Best advice in the exchange situation is to pray for protection each time, try to understand the person is really lashing out at themselves and the last one I've learned from being around teachers and kids this summer is to put hold a bubble in your mouth. Ex is probably trying to get a response and if you have a bubble in your mouth and can't talk and give in to his instigation.

When to tell someone? I'd have to say when ever the discussion of baggage, we all have baggage, comes up. No need to be specific, just that ex is a difficult personality.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #9  July 1,2011, 1:47pm
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Skippy705 wrote :
There's not much heyyall can do with an ex that chooses to continue to verbally and emotionally abuse her if the "arrangements" don't allow for no contact.
I don't buy that. Change the meeting arrangements if neccessary. I meet my ex in such a way that allows us to minimize contact like flgal.

Again, I have a close friend in Florida and her ex went from frequent, unsupervised visits to rare, supervised visits due to his behavior. She met in public. She carried a tape recorder whenever she saw him or talked on the phone with him. Of course, speak to your divorce attorney to figure out the right procedure and disclaimers so it's admissible.

If it's only verbal/emotional and not physical abuse wear ear plugs when you meet him. He can send important notes in writing.

I would not tolerate this long-term.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; July 1,2011 at 1:52pm.
 
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richey is online now richey Post #10  July 1,2011, 2:12pm
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I don't feel there is any obligation to tell anybody about your past since for the most part it won't concern them. All that you are obligated to tell are the things that may affect or concern them. things like, "i see him 2X/week when we trade off the kids...."

Or if your new S/O is comign along ou can add, "now my ex- is very intersting and may start to say things about me or you.. just ignore it... he is just a strong personality"....

or if he's stalking you and the abuse can happen randomly and/or coudl get violent.. obvoiusly this might affect a date or when yer at your house so, "and by the way.. i sholud tell you about my past with him.."

Otherwise, no obligation and just bring it up when it naturally comes up in convo.

Richey
 
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