Heyyall is offline Heyyall Post #31  July 9,2011, 5:14pm

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I knew addressing this issue that it would be misunderstood by many. If you have been abused, or have studied abuse and violence, you have a special paradigm that most people don't. You know how when you tell someone 'there was violence' and their reply is 'stop right there, I get it', they also have been blessed with that special insight.

As for burdening someone, I believe that my ex still being abusive is not my fault. It is not worth acknowledging, it is not worth worrying. It just is, and because of the children (2 and 4)I can't just stop all contact. I was with someone who had been a friend prior to us being a couple, who was able to be compassionate and detached. He would listen to the craziness, confirm that it happened and moved on.

So I don't take the judgmental comments to heart. They come from a lack of understanding of violence. I have hope that most people will come to understand at one point.
 
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USCHAWK is offline USCHAWK Post #32  July 10,2011, 12:04am
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HelenDanger wrote :
How can she fix someone else's problem? The ex is the one with the problem, not her.
She is trying to make it this new persons problem, that is the issue I have with it. Its not something a new person should be concerned with and she shouldnt burden him with it. If she cant shield him from her drama with her ex she should wait to date him when she can. There are plenty of legal ways she can fix it so she can move on.
 
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writergurl is offline writergurl Post #33  July 10,2011, 5:52am
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USCHAWK wrote :
She is trying to make it this new persons problem, that is the issue I have with it. Its not something a new person should be concerned with and she shouldnt burden him with it. If she cant shield him from her drama with her ex she should wait to date him when she can. There are plenty of legal ways she can fix it so she can move on.
Really? Like what? Sigh...

There are so many different issues here and this is not the place for me to hash them all out. The law doesn't always protect us, and in matters of abuse, is notoriously against the abused. I don't think this is deliberate, it's just another example of how it is not well understood. I've tried all legal measures and some personal creativity, and a, b, c, d, e, .... everything last damn thing in the world has been tried.

As we probably all know, there isn't always a definitive answer to difficult problems. Like my attorney used to like to say "you can hold a restraining order in front of you but a bullet will tear right through it."

You can choose to not be involved in someone's life if you don't want to. Your choice.

Best of luck,
writergurl
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #34  July 10,2011, 7:13am
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USCHAWK wrote :
She is trying to make it this new persons problem, that is the issue I have with it. Its not something a new person should be concerned with and she shouldnt burden him with it. If she cant shield him from her drama with her ex she should wait to date him when she can. There are plenty of legal ways she can fix it so she can move on.
I know you don't mean anything offensive by this and are just trying to give good advice. But I don't think you quite get the problem. There is a difference between ex drama and a person being a victim of abuse. You are totally right about ex drama.

But abuse is like any other crappy thing in life that happens to you. Once you get on the road to recovery it can take a long time to be completely done with it. There is no way to fix things 100% for all time. Leaving the man is the biggest fix you can do. And the OP has done that. Anything he does now is not her fault and is probably technically illegal in some way.

Telling a man about this is not inviting him into her drama. She doesn't have fake drama. She has a situation going on that is probably going to last for years. Lots of people have stuff like this going on, lawsuits, debts, dicey family relationships. If we all waited until everything was perfect and stress free before we reached out, the human race would die out! No one would ever get together.

Fake drama and a dramatic personality that draws everyone into their chaotic vortex--I agree with you that a sensible person will stay away. A past where something bad happened and where a few aftershocks may continue to occur--a sensible person will try to understand and be compassionate, not judge, and evaluate the person as a date in the same way they would anyone else.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #35  July 11,2011, 4:28pm
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USCHAWK wrote :
She is trying to make it this new persons problem, that is the issue I have with it. Its not something a new person should be concerned with and she shouldnt burden him with it. If she cant shield him from her drama with her ex she should wait to date him when she can. There are plenty of legal ways she can fix it so she can move on.
In a perfect world, it might work the way you think it does, but the court systems are not always just, and the abusers are usually cunning and skillful to go just so far but not far enough to cross the line. The subtle torture they put their ex-mate through is not something everyone can or wants to understand. The woman has two small children,and though I suspect she is trying to move on with her life, the ex will do everything in his power to make sure her life is as miserable as possible. This includes doing things to sabotage her plans or embarrass her while she is with other people. He does not get that he is the one with the problem, for if he did, he might have gotten himself under control.

I don't think the OP is trying to make any guy shoulder the past, but she is making a valid point that at least for the next 16 years the guy may be in the shadows trying to make everyone's lives miserable. Not every guy can handle that, and asking her to wait 16 years to date is a bit ridiculous - it's like telling her to continue to be a victim of the abuse. I can tell you have been fortunate to never have experienced this first hand.

I left with my daughter when she was just shy of 5 years old. I was in a very difficult situation and he was cunning and outsmarted a few good lawyers. He bold-faced lied to the judge and discredited my testimony. My daughter is now almost 23. Things got easier as she got older, and he learned a bit to settle down.

To the OP, I am concerned that you may need to find an outlet to discuss some of the continuing abuse. I am certainly not saying you are contributing to the abuse, but one can learn as time passes to allow much of it to roll off one's back and to not react to what he is doing. Keeping calm and unemotional goes a long way to helping you document and prosecute without becoming as emotionally distraught as you may be now.

I admire your strength to take care of your little ones and yourself, but you might want to take a small step back and assess your coping strategies as you try to rebuild your life and date. A wise person once told me that if I kept my eye on my daughter as the most important person where matters with my ex were concerned, the emotion of how he was trying to destroy me could never hurt me. It takes practice to diffuse the emotion, though and not to react to his antics.

I wish you only the best.
 
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