Bias and disrespectful remarks towards dateless people.


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Franklin551 is offline Franklin551 Post #1  June 14,2011, 7:16am

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Dateless people on this forum have been treated with great bias. After reading numberous topics made by different members, I see a pattern. Regardless of each dateless person's situation they receive very bias remarks.

Dateless people on this site are told they have issues that require therapy. They are often told they are disrespectful and uncaring people. What does being dateless have to do with being disrespectful and uncaring? Anyone who is in a relationship can have these same needs and qualities.

Dateless people are labeled as unhappy people. In my life I have met plenty of happy dateless people. They may not be happy about their situation, but they can still be happy about other areas in their life.

The sadness labeled of all is that dateless people have no self-respect nor self-esteem. Dateless people can still love and value themselves. Most dateless people I personality know take very good care of themselves.

If a dateless member says "a few women called me ugly". The members will tell the dateless person that he needs more self-respect as if the dateless person called him or herself ugly when in fact someone else did. It makes NO logical sense. If I called someone ugly then that person has self-esteem person?

There are plenty of people who are in relationships have problems of self-esteem, self-respect, and other problems. People who are in a relationships seek therapy. It does matter if a person is in a relationship or is dateless, he or she may not have these any of these problems.

Some members on this forum have shown ignorance beyond any level I have seen before. I hope staff considers handling this childish problem. Dateless people are not receiving useful feedback. It's near the point of these comments being personal attacks.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #2  June 14,2011, 7:30am
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I don't see there being a category of "dateless people". Surely that's a variable not a label.

Do you use the "report post" function when you see these personal attacks?
 
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nick222 is offline nick222 Post #3  June 14,2011, 7:32am
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Franklin551 wrote :
Dateless people on this site are told they have issues that require therapy. They are often told they are disrespectful and uncaring people. What does being dateless have to do with being disrespectful and uncaring?
Well, being disrespectful and uncaring is one way to limit your dating options, don't you think? It's not the only way, by any means, but there are clearly quite a few people on these boards whose views related to the opposite sex and/or dating are not helping them. For the most part I think the people suggesting therapy are genuinely wanting people to help themselves, rather than being malicious.

It's not that being dateless necessarily means one "has issues", but in many cases there are things people could do to better themselves and improve their chances at getting dates. By and large people aren't willing to change themselves, however, and will insist that it's every member of the opposite sex who needs to change instead.
Last edited by nick222; June 14,2011 at 7:50am.
 
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Franklin551 is offline Franklin551 Post #4  June 14,2011, 7:45am

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nick222 wrote :
Well, being disrespectful and uncaring is one way to limit your dating options, don't you think? It's not the only way, by any means, but there are clearly quite a few people on these boards whose views related to the opposite sex and/or dating are not helping them. For the most part I think the people suggesting therapy are genuinely wanting people to help themselves, rather than being malicious.

It's not that being dateless means one "has issues", but in many cases there are things people could do to better themselves and improve their chances at getting dates. By and large people aren't willing to change themselves, however, and will insist that it's every member of the opposite sex who needs to change instead.
I have not read any posts with a dateless member demanding the opposite sex needs to change. I am sure there are some posts like that. However, in most cases the dateless person does not make such statements.

I have also seen dateless members tell people they have already made changes to improve their odds, and the changes did not make any difference. Yet, members will continue to say to these people that they need therapy.

Heck in my dateless topics members say I need therapy because I had a deformity corrected. That does NOT make any sense.

SteveManchesterEngland wrote :
I don't see there being a category of "dateless people". Surely that's a variable not a label.

Do you use the "report post" function when you see these personal attacks?
Yes, I have made some reports. I don't want to flood staff with reports. This is a common problem on this forum.
 
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nick222 is offline nick222 Post #5  June 14,2011, 7:53am
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Franklin551 wrote :
I have not read any posts with a dateless member demanding the opposite sex needs to change.
To me those posts seem to make up the majority of these boards. Maybe not "demanding" that they change, but clearly placing the blame on the opposite sex or dating in general rather than on themselves. Lots and lots of venting about perceived problems with the opposite sex.

Franklin551 wrote :
I have also seen dateless members tell people they have already made changes to improve their odds, and the changes did not make any difference. Yet, members will continue to say to these people that they need therapy.
Well, if people are making changes but still not seeing the results they would like on their own, doesn't it make sense that maybe therapy could help them with that? You seem to view therapy as some sort of insult rather than a means of improving oneself.

More than anything a lot of people come to the boards claiming to be asking for advice, but not really accepting any of it. They seem to really want to hear that they're doing everything right and their situation is everyone else's fault. Even if that were true, it wouldn't be very helpful information. We can only change ourselves. If what you're doing doesn't work, try something else. If you run out of things to try or are not sure how to change, see a therapist.
Last edited by nick222; June 14,2011 at 7:57am.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #6  June 14,2011, 8:10am
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Many posters come to these boards feeling great frustration and confusion over their "dateless" situation. Your OP contains many generalizations, which may be true for some posters. That doesn't make them completely invalid, however they may not apply to every situation.

Just from reading the posts, it is clear that these "dateless" people often have some issues that they are not dealing with. Perhaps they are not even aware of these issues, or do not want to admit them. But, if they are not happy with the results they have gotten in their dating lives, it seems like a good idea that they try to figure out what is holding them back, and figure out how they can improve their situation.

It does no good for any poster to reply to a thread by simply saying "You're right. There is absolutely no reason why you are dateless." This doesn't mean that there is anything "wrong" with these "dateless" people. That is not a personal attack to suggest that they may want to really look at their situation to determine what they could do differently. Is there any guarantee that just by doing something different that they will get a different result? No. Is it still a good idea to try different things until they get a different result that they are happy with? Yes.

There are some posters who just like to come here to lament their "dateless" situation. They don't have a question, they just want to rant. And, that's ok, too. But, the point of this forum is for open discussion. Posters are free to say whatever they want to say, and offer whatever opinions they see fit (as long as they meet the Community Standards). Sometimes, these opinions will differ from the OP, or from other posters. That doesn't make them invalid, or "wrong".

I am a firm believer in taking a hard look at the things in my life that I am not satisfied with and figuring out why I am not satisfied, what I can do to get different results, what has and has not worked in the past, what I think might work in the future... Sometimes, it's a lot of trial and error.

I have not always been so willing to do this. I find that as I have grown up and matured, it has become much more important to me to "get over myself" and fix the things that I do not like about myself than to lament about all those things that I do not like.
 
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Jennivere is offline Jennivere Post #7  June 14,2011, 8:16am
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I think Franklin is pointing out a problem with forums in general, he is just relating it to being dateless as that is his point of reference.

Forums are places where strangers come together to discuss thing. These people don't know you and you don't know them. Comments made, even those that have good intentions behind them, can be misinterpreted. You can't read the TONE of someone's comment so it is easy to take offense at something that is said even if no offense is intended.

Then you have those people that think they can say whatever they want regardless of how their words may hurt you as they have no real repercussions from doing so. These people are probably rude in person as well and should be reported. Don't let their insensitivity ruin the forums for you. There are plenty of good people on here and if you calm down and reread what is said it is usually possible to see the intent behind the words.
 
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Xable is offline Xable Post #8  June 14,2011, 8:23am
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If you are dateless and don't want to be dateless - wouldn't you agree that is a problem? You, the dateless has a problem. The problem is - you are dateless but don't want to be. That means, somewhere, somehow, you are doing something wrong that is not working for you.

The people on the board are just trying to point out possible areas and things which might be the problem. If you don't change anything, your problem is not magically going to disappear, so you need to start changing something until you solve your problem (being dateless).

Have a defeatist attitude about your problem or any problem or situation never helped anything. I think most people, on these boards, realize this is a place to vent and people tend to be a little more extreme here than they are IRL. However, since people don't know you IRL and can't be sure - they are just trying to be helpful when they mention that you need to do an attitude check. If your attitude gets too negative - it will not help your cause.

I might not always like what I hear from people, I might not always agree, but I always appreciate that someone took the time to try and help or offer advice. And, it would be silly of me not to stop and listen to what people have to say and take it all in.
Last edited by Xable; June 14,2011 at 8:27am.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #9  June 14,2011, 8:29am
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If you go back to the original post and substitute 'I' for 'dateless people' it is much more representational of the OP's opinion, I think.
The main thing to remember about online advice forums is that if you are not interested in what people have to say, and you are not ready for answers you may not want to hear, DON'T ASK.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #10  June 14,2011, 9:00am
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For any of us to get any benefit from these boards we have to be able to say things like "Oh, I never thought of it that way," or "Gosh, you just made me realize something," or "You know, you may be right," or "Wow, I really need to change that."

To the extent that a dateless person seeking advice can say these things, that is the extent to which these boards will be of help.
 
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