FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #11  June 14,2011, 10:31am
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beccaf87 wrote :
When you begin dating someone new how much do you share about past relationships? Do you talk about just the more important ones or none at all?

How important is someones past? If all the relationships ended badly, what would you think of the person? Would it matter whose fault it was for it ending or the terms of its end? Does age that they were in those relationships matter? Or does just the present matter?

Just hypothetical questions, not specifically relating to me. Just want general opinions. Well I guess I could relate it to me, but not the point.
(lol, at this part)

Anyway---I personally feel the only relevancy of past relationships is the extent to which there are any "loose ends" (ex. property owned together, children, restraining orders, etc.).

I would be afraid of the tendency to "take the ball and run with it." In other words, if you are dating someone, and you find out that "objectively," that person has "only dated crazy people." Does that mean---he/she has been taken advantage of, and they're lucky to have finally found you, who is not crazy? Or does that mean that he/she subconsciously is drawn to crazy people who create drama because he/she is unstable on some level as well? You just can't tell.

Even in the case of a cheater---this would obviously be useful to know, since it speaks of very low moral character. But very few people are going to tell you---"oh yeah ... a couple of years ago, I kind of started seeing this new guy before I broke up with the boyfriend before that ..."

People's ability to be objective about a situation isn't necessarily that great, even if they want to be as honest as possible.

* * *
Anyway, if I may expand on the question, I have a question of my own:

---I wouldn't really want to talk about "past relationships," but I'd answer any questions if asked. But I'm not really interested in the other person's past relationships, and certainly not in detail.

Is there anything wrong with that?

I don't know if this is true or not, but my perception is that most women may care "more about past relationships" than most men do ... If a woman asked me about past relationships, and I answered honestly and with the presumably correct amount of detail to answer her question but not to dwell on it---but I didn't then ask her about her past relationships (or even said, "I don't really care about your past relationships, I assume nothing about them will effect us unless you let me know, if it's important") -- is that offensive? Do you expect to know about the other person's, if they know about yours? Do you expect them to care about yours, if you care about theirs?
 
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Trixie1968 is offline Trixie1968 Post #12  June 20,2011, 3:24pm

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If they're still angry with their ex then they still have feelings for their ex ~ may not be positive feelings but still pretty strong feelings. I've been burnt like that before and who needs it?

Resolve your stuff before you inflict yourself on a new person ~ and then let the new person know what you learnt and how your past has shaped you into the brand new, smarter, shinier, better, version of yourself that they're lucky enough to be sitting opposite.
 
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retrorv is offline retrorv Post #13  June 21,2011, 3:19pm

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Trixie1968 wrote :
If they're still angry with their ex then they still have feelings for their ex ~ may not be positive feelings but still pretty strong feelings. I've been burnt like that before and who needs it?

Resolve your stuff before you inflict yourself on a new person ~ and then let the new person know what you learnt and how your past has shaped you into the brand new, smarter, shinier, better, version of yourself that they're lucky enough to be sitting opposite.
Good points. Hate is not the opposite of love-indifference is. I was burned as well but at least I learned a lesson. If your dating partner continually bad mouths their ex, run away.
 
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stagingbulb is offline stagingbulb Post #14  June 22,2011, 4:40pm
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Trixie1968 wrote :
If they're still angry with their ex then they still have feelings for their ex ~ may not be positive feelings but still pretty strong feelings. I've been burnt like that before and who needs it?

Resolve your stuff before you inflict yourself on a new person ~ and then let the new person know what you learnt and how your past has shaped you into the brand new, smarter, shinier, better, version of yourself that they're lucky enough to be sitting opposite.
Yup. Been there, done that - had dates in that position. Good advice Trixie. I call your second paragraph being emotionally stable.

I had a mini relationship with a lady who was still grinding an axe for her ex. At one point in time, I actually told her that I am not her ex and she needs to bury the proverbial hatchet. That didn't really win me any points.
 
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sdawn is offline sdawn Post #15  June 22,2011, 5:08pm

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harnomygirl wrote :
A good way to get over an ex is to prepare non-inflammatory ways of describing their behavior.
Wonderful advice/technique! I also agree with the person above who looked for very obvious 'patterns.' The past is often a good predictor of the future when patterns are involved.

Basically, it is viewed as a sign of emotional maturity (and being 'over it') when we can discuss rationally (as opposed to emotionally) the aspects of our ex's behaviors that we determined were no good for us while making our current mate choices. Live and learn, right?
 
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Trixie1968 is offline Trixie1968 Post #16  June 23,2011, 12:23pm

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I don't think it's wrong to be angry with / about your ex, so long as it's a phase and it passes.

I also think you need to know you're angry and take yourself off the dating circuit till it's gone. It's the phase that pizza, porn & reality-tv-you-can-shout-at, were made for!
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #17  June 24,2011, 2:07pm
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Trixie1968 wrote :
I don't think it's wrong to be angry with / about your ex, so long as it's a phase and it passes.

I also think you need to know you're angry and take yourself off the dating circuit till it's gone. It's the phase that pizza, porn & reality-tv-you-can-shout-at, were made for!
Porn? Are you kidding? Maybe you're referring to the movies with passionate yet gentle, erotic yet tasteful, visual yet subtle scenes created for women. I've heard they exist, but I'm not sure where they are.
 
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Trixie1968 is offline Trixie1968 Post #18  June 24,2011, 3:05pm

well, well, well.

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I'm surpressing my instinct to snark
Last edited by Trixie1968; June 25,2011 at 5:41am. Reason: and no I never mean 'soft' porn ~ yuk.
 
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