I'm considering a long-distance relationship


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scully98 is online now scully98 Post #1  June 13,2011, 3:34am
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like a cowgirl!

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Well, I did it! I drove 5 hours to spend the weekend with the guy I met six weeks ago at an out-of-town work event. He drove 4 hours from his home to meet me at his family's vacation house in the mountains.

It went great...we had an awesome time. Everything was there, just as we thought from when we met briefly last month. We are compatible on so many levels.

So, now the big decision...do we try to turn this into a relationship?! We are making plans for him to come my direction and see me in a few weeks, so all is well on that front. Just haven't made any declarations about whether we are going to seriously try doing this or not. It's scary, but exciting all the same. And I'm trying to decide if this is something I want to get involved in, because I can't move to him due to child custody issues, etc. He lives in an apartment, but has a job and a side business (homebuilder) in his hometown. So, while he's less tied down than me, he still has professional reasons to stay in place in the city he's lived for ten years. His family isn't there, however, they live a state away, so perhaps that might make him more flexible.

Anyway, just pondering it all in my head and thinking about how amazing the weekend was. I felt so incredibly comfortable with him. We have spent the past four weeks talking about anything and everything, which is a first for me.

This isn't a rebound thing. Cause while I was dating someone else up until mid-May, turns out I wasn't in love. At first, I thought I had been in love with him, but within a few days after the breakup, when I was feeling okay about it all and no longer upset, I realized that I didn't love him, just really liked him and enjoyed him. I did learn so much from that relationship, tho. It was the healthiest, most enjoyable relationship of my life and it taught me how I deserve to be treated by a man and I will never settle for less than that from anyone else in the future. So it all was worth it, and I'll be better at choosing my partner as a result of having been in that previous relationship.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  June 13,2011, 3:42am
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has all the tools and can........satisfy

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All I can say is you're a braver soul than I am. You sound happy about it so I hope it works out for you.
Last edited by tweet37; June 13,2011 at 3:43am. Reason: Darn....I let another one get away. ;-)
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #3  June 13,2011, 3:52am
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Take it slow....
(ahem..we know you..)
 
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curiousgirl123 is offline curiousgirl123 Post #4  June 13,2011, 5:54am
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Scully, you always have something exciting going on .
I don't think the short time after the previous relationship is an issue. I can relate on being able to have a closure quickly, plus your last relationship was only a few months long.

What I would be concerned about regarding the new potential relationship is the practical aspects attached to a LDR. The ability (and willingness) for either of you to move is a key one. From what you mentioned this could be an issue. Be careful and clear on this before you get invested. Good luck!


 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #5  June 13,2011, 6:04am
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scully98 wrote :
Well, I did it! I drove 5 hours to spend the weekend with the guy I met six weeks ago at an out-of-town work event. He drove 4 hours from his home to meet me at his family's vacation house in the mountains.

It went great...we had an awesome time. Everything was there, just as we thought from when we met briefly last month. We are compatible on so many levels.

So, now the big decision...do we try to turn this into a relationship?!
At the moment it's "dating" and you are trying to work out if he is relationship material? I don't think anyone on here can answer that.

Then the next question is "how can we turn this into a relationship?".

Major issues re distance. What has he said so far regarding the distance issue? If he's interested in a proper relationship I'd hope he has touched on the distance issue a few times in conversation?



scully98 wrote :
We are making plans for him to come my direction and see me in a few weeks, so all is well on that front.
I think this will be one of those key make or break points. He needs to get a feel for the journey and then see how he feels about where you live and your domestic arrangements.


scully98 wrote :
And I'm trying to decide if this is something I want to get involved in, because I can't move to him due to child custody issues, etc.
your family should come first.


scully98 wrote :
He lives in an apartment, but has a job and a side business (homebuilder) in his hometown. So, while he's less tied down than me, he still has professional reasons to stay in place in the city he's lived for ten years. His family isn't there, however, they live a state away, so perhaps that might make him more flexible.
You need to find out if he is willing/able/flexible enough to move to your area.


scully98 wrote :
Anyway, just pondering it all in my head and thinking about how amazing the weekend was. I felt so incredibly comfortable with him. We have spent the past four weeks talking about anything and everything, which is a first for me.
Does he feel the same about you?


scully98 wrote :
This isn't a rebound thing. Cause while I was dating someone else up until mid-May, turns out I wasn't in love. At first, I thought I had been in love with him, but within a few days after the breakup, when I was feeling okay about it all and no longer upset, I realized that I didn't love him, just really liked him and enjoyed him. I did learn so much from that relationship, tho. It was the healthiest, most enjoyable relationship of my life and it taught me how I deserve to be treated by a man and I will never settle for less than that from anyone else in the future. So it all was worth it, and I'll be better at choosing my partner as a result of having been in that previous relationship.
Feelings is a difficult thing which for me can take months to work out. What you've learnt from that relationship you need to take into the future. For example, you need to spend 6 months or more to decide how you feel about someone?



curiousgirl123 wrote :
....What I would be concerned about regarding the new potential relationship is the practical aspects attached to a LDR. The ability (and willingness) for either of you to move is a key one. From what you mentioned this could be an issue. Be careful and clear on this before you get invested....
correct.
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; June 13,2011 at 6:14am.
 
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DancingFool is online now DancingFool Post #6  June 13,2011, 6:10am
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Before you jump into this, the most important thing to figure out is whether either one of you can actually move if things were to work out. You don't want to get involved in a relationship that is ultimately impossible to keep because neither person can actually move.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #7  June 14,2011, 1:31pm
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would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

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Scully, I wish you the best! Long-distance relationships can be incredibly wonderful and fulfilling when both people are willing to make the effort. It can be a little daunting at first, but a little creativity during those in-between seeing each other times makes it a lot easier.

I hope everything works out just the way you want it to!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #8  June 17,2011, 3:26pm
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I look at things like jobs as things which are subject to periodic, unpredictable change.

The idea of being stuck in one community due to work ignores the millions of people displaced from emplyment every year ... I know that, for me, all of my jobs involve relocation, and I expect this will continue.

Therefore, just being in proximity is no guarantee of not facing exactly the same problem.

Personally, I don't really care where I live - but I care intensly how I live.

The next thing I'd think about is how often you like to be with your partner, and compare that to the feasability of the distance constraints.

I am used to dating busy people, and with enough distance that meeting once per month is much of my experience. For me, this worked, but if you know you like to see each other twice a week, unless someone is not really working, it won't be possible.

But, if you don't have the time and funds to meet, then making an attempt only digs a big hole in your financial security - and has to be abandoned, anyway.

Then, you need to manage the communication / isolation / unknowing. I don't communicate much if at all between meetings, and that's something not everyone is okay with. (And the high level of communicatin currently is something I'd expect to decline shortly.) And, you need to be able to trust what your partner does when you're not together.
 
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scully98 is online now scully98 Post #9  June 17,2011, 3:43pm
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Thanks, everyone. I'm not exactly sure what's going on with him. We parted on Sunday, he texted me a couple of times as I was driving home to say he'd enjoyed the weekend, and to check that I made it home safely, and then he hasn't initiated any contact all week. I texted him on tuesday, and again yesterday, and he responded both times with friendly texts and/or emails, following through with the same method I used (email on tuesday, text on thursday) and that was it.

I did go ahead and text him last night that I enjoyed our weekend together and would like to see him again, but that I wasn't sure if he felt the same, but hoped he did.

He texted me back this morning a quick "yes, and I'll try to call u later" note.

he has been working out of town this week, which is the norm for him.

So, I'm trying to figure out if he's actually interested in me, or just being polite. And if he is interested, why he's not being more affectionate, communicative. This might be his style, I don't know. If it is, it doesn't work for me, esp in a long-distance situation. I need to feel a connection to a partner and if someone is long-distance, I need communication, even five minutes or a couple of texts, daily if possible or close to it.

So, I'll play it by ear when he calls tonight and, if he is stilll interested, let him know that I would love to talk to him a little more than we have this week.

And if he's not interested - because I do understand that no matter how nice our weekend together was, if there isn't a special bond, there is no point in continuing to try a long-distance situation - well, if he's not interested, then so be it.

I hope he is, but my life won't change if he isn't. If all we had was the one weekend together, then it was meant to teach me that I can be attracted to, and really enjoy the company of another man, not just my recent ex-bf. It was a lot of fun to flirt and enjoy the weeks leading up to our weekend, and the time we had together. He really is a great guy - master's degree in engineering, but with an undergrad degree in philosophy, and a practicing zen buddhist. Really an interesting guy.
Last edited by scully98; June 17,2011 at 3:45pm.
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #10  June 17,2011, 4:22pm
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Seems to me like you need a lot of together time and I wonder if an ldr will really work for you.
 
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