is it perceived differently if someone adopts vs. has biological children from their ex?


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scully98 is online now scully98 Post #1  June 9,2011, 5:11am
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Just curious if men, in particular, view it differently if they date a woman with children and her kids were adopted vs. biological.

I ask this because I adopted my son, while married, and then I dated a dolt a few times last summer who said, "I don't mind that you have a son because he's not even your own."

Obviously, the stupidest comment, ever. But it made me wonder if the fact that since my child isn't the biological result of my marriage, that somehow this reaches back to some caveman logic from 40,000 years ago and makes a man feel more comfortable around "another man's" child.

I've not had any other guys say anything like that at all. But wonder if it's somewhere in the furthest reaches of their mind and they aren't even fully aware of it.

(Of course, as the mom of a little boy who I adopted, I know that biology has absolutely nothing to do with what makes you a parent.)
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  June 9,2011, 5:31am
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To me, pffft, not in the least.

In my view, the reason(s) for someone to adopt a child exhibit a positive character trait that would far outweigh any negative connotation that I can think of regarding adopted vs. biological.

But at my age, I'm done raising kids so that's just me.
 
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upstategirl is offline upstategirl Post #3  June 9,2011, 5:38am
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scully98 wrote :
I ask this because I adopted my son, while married, and then I dated a dolt a few times last summer who said, "I don't mind that you have a son because he's not even your own."

Obviously, the stupidest comment, ever.
I can't believe this guy actually made that comment to you

And yes, I agree.......that has to be "the stupidest comment, ever"
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  June 9,2011, 5:39am
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It wouldn't matter to me...but that is probably because I have a son from a former marriage.

OTOH-
I can understand though, where a guy who is single and and not a father themselves, may not want to deal with any ex-husband "drama" that can sometimes occur...
However, for a guy to actually make that comment to you, proves he has no filter, for tact.

wrote :
But it made me wonder if the fact that since my child isn't the biological result of my marriage, that somehow this reaches back to some caveman logic from 40,000 years ago and makes a man feel more comfortable around "another man's" child.
As I said, at the end of the day, I don't think it's really the "comfort level" thing...I think it has more to do with whether the ex is still around.
Last edited by TheThinker; June 9,2011 at 5:44am.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  June 9,2011, 5:59am
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I think that the most important word in your OP is DOLT.

It makes no difference to me if my match has a child through adoption or they are the biological mother.

There are a few other situations associated with adoption that do cause an eyebrow to raise but those are not part of this discussion.
 
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OlderButWiser0549 is online now OlderButWiser0549 Post #6  June 9,2011, 6:55am
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scully98 wrote :
I've not had any other guys say anything like that at all. But wonder if it's somewhere in the furthest reaches of their mind and they aren't even fully aware of it.

I doubt it; it's certainly not an issue for me. As you said, the guy was a dolt. And I think that's the long and short of it.
 
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nick222 is offline nick222 Post #7  June 9,2011, 6:58am
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scully98 wrote :
I ask this because I adopted my son, while married, and then I dated a dolt a few times last summer who said, "I don't mind that you have a son because he's not even your own."
Ouch. It's one level of stupidity to hold that view, and an even greater level to share it out loud. I'm glad it was only a few dates, at least.

Children are children, as far as I'm concerned. If you're the legal parent of a child, it's going to have the same affect on my dating you regardless of how you came to be the parent.
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #8  June 9,2011, 8:21am
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scully98 wrote :
Just curious if men, in particular, view it differently if they date a woman with children and her kids were adopted vs. biological.

I ask this because I adopted my son, while married, and then I dated a dolt a few times last summer who said, "I don't mind that you have a son because he's not even your own."

Obviously, the stupidest comment, ever. But it made me wonder if the fact that since my child isn't the biological result of my marriage, that somehow this reaches back to some caveman logic from 40,000 years ago and makes a man feel more comfortable around "another man's" child.

I've not had any other guys say anything like that at all. But wonder if it's somewhere in the furthest reaches of their mind and they aren't even fully aware of it.

(Of course, as the mom of a little boy who I adopted, I know that biology has absolutely nothing to do with what makes you a parent.)
Wouldn't matter to me. My cousin is adopted. My aunt and uncle went through a couple miscarriages and because of complications couldn't have children of her own. Nobody in my family thinks of her as any different than the biological children. Not even for a second.

I guess I can see the argument that someone could marry you and legally adopt your son and more or less be on equal footing where it might be more difficult if he were your biological child.
 
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busybusy is offline busybusy Post #9  June 11,2011, 7:02am
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scully98 wrote :
"I don't mind that you have a son because he's not even your own."


Wow....just, wow.

As far as I am concerned, the biggest plus in my situation (adopted kids, no fathers involved whatsoever) is that the man could literally BE the father in their lives (presuming he would want that, and if he didn't, I don't want him), with no other to complicate the matter. However, in your case this doesn't even apply as they DO have another father involved in their lives, so what difference does it make whether they are adopted or not?!

That guy just sounds strange.....
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #10  June 11,2011, 7:14am
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scully98 wrote :
Just curious if men, in particular, view it differently if they date a woman with children and her kids were adopted vs. biological.

I ask this because I adopted my son, while married, and then I dated a dolt a few times last summer who said, "I don't mind that you have a son because he's not even your own."
I think this particular dolt was just glad that there was no "father" in the picture to "compete" with. However, he is not too smart, because if you adopted him while married, I assume that your ex may still play some role in his life.

I think any guy like that idiot you went out with would never be happy with a woman with "her own" biological kids, because he would always feel that he had to "compete" with them, too. You're lucky he showed his true colors early on.
 
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