greeneyedgirl308 is offline greeneyedgirl308 Post #1  June 8,2011, 9:10pm
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I battled breat cancer this last year and came out on the other side slightly scared, but in good shape, and cancer free. My dating delimma. I have gone out on a few dates, and when dating turns to a more serious side, I tell the person. So there is the physical aspect, I have had a left masectomy, and getting ready for reconstruction, there are really no other emotionally or physical scars. I am 50 and look young for my age, I am in great shape and have a truly positive outlook on life, in fact one of the men I told said he would have never believed that I had been through breast cancer.

Once I tell the person I met and am starting to date, there is no return phone call. They are all very sensitive to the issue, but back away immediately, this has also happened with friends, so I am not surprised. My question is "do I continue to date" I dated and had a partner before this happened, or do I give up? I completely understnad that people have a choice and it's not for everyone, but I am surprised that it affects men in this respect.

I am a very open person, but if dating becomes counter-productive I am going to be done with it. Thanks for the advice, would appreciate hearing from a guy.
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #2  June 8,2011, 9:20pm
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I wouldn't have a problem with your situation. I'm sure you can find someone who feels the same.
 
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schm1539 is offline schm1539 Post #3  June 9,2011, 12:57am
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I wouldn't have a problem with you situation either. I've dated a young women who had cancer previously, and it made no difference. In fact, I think the way she looked at life and relationships was far deeper than anyone else I've ever dated. If a guy truely likes you he won't back away from you because of it. You'll find someone that will feel the same eventually.
 
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tangochef is offline tangochef Post #4  June 9,2011, 9:16am
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As the others have said, there are plenty of men out there where that will not be an issue.

Keep looking.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #5  June 9,2011, 10:10am
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There will be some who run because breast cancer is so likely to come back, but there are plenty who will see the side of a person who has beaten cancer and all the positives which come with that. In some ways having to stare death in the face wakes us up and opens us up in ways which are almost impossible otherwise.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #6  June 9,2011, 10:38am
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Maybe it's just too much disclosure for a first date?

Or when you are disclosing it perhaps you're not matter of fact enough about it and it's coming across as worse than it is.

Or these are just shallow men you are better off being without.

You could go the other extreme and disclose it in the profile so they know up front before contacting you.

However, I think myself, I wouldn't tell this on the first date, bc it is so personal. I'd wait for maybe the third date to see if there's any real interest in me as a person, and if it then seems things could head in a romantic direction, I'd discuss it then.

It is after all a very personal matter, and you don't need to bear your breast information to every Hairy Richard in the world who hasn't yet bothered to get to know you. I mean you wouldn't tell them about other medical issues on a first date really would you? (I mean I personally wouldn't, bc it's private information until they demonstrate an interest in me beyond the usual friendship/meeting. Like I can't envision saying Hi, my name's XYZ and I just had cancer surgery last year, or Hi I'm XYZ and I survived a heart attack four years ago so I can't eat hamburgers any more. That's kinda how this sort of thing would strike me with it being told on a first date. It's just TMI too soon.)

I think myself, it's only pertinent to people who demonstrate genuine empathy and interest in you and a romantic partnership with you — but not until then.

my drive 2 fwiw Good luck
Last edited by nightling; June 9,2011 at 10:44am.
 
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Jennivere is offline Jennivere Post #7  June 9,2011, 10:44am
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You might want to mention in your profile that you are a cancer survivor then it should come up a little more naturally in conversation before intimacy becomes an issue.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #8  June 9,2011, 2:07pm
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Jennivere wrote :
You might want to mention in your profile that you are a cancer survivor then it should come up a little more naturally in conversation before intimacy becomes an issue.
I like this, because anyone who has a serious problem with it will close before getting to that first date, and it makes it easier to bring it up for either party.
 
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curiousgirl123 is offline curiousgirl123 Post #9  June 9,2011, 2:48pm
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Jennivere wrote :
You might want to mention in your profile that you are a cancer survivor then it should come up a little more naturally in conversation before intimacy becomes an issue.
I personally wouldn't disclose this info (or any other very personal info) on a profile or on a 1st date. A lot of these people you'd likely not see again for other reasons. If you date someone a few times and it has the potential to lead to something then it should be disclosed before it becomes an exclusive relationship. Just my opinion..


 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #10  June 9,2011, 3:39pm
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I don't favor disclosing any perceived deficiency until it's germane to a specific plan.

I think disclosure in a profile will chase away too many people - and result in other people exploiting the fact that they know you have fewer options. This is a bad risk to add, just to reduce the people who bail after a few meetings.

I would try to identify the problem, so you can work on minimizing or at least counteracting it with your statements and choices in the early dating.

Some obvious possibilities to explain matches poofing:

- Attraction / desire not there.

- Lack of energy / sedentary life / limited employment.

- Medical cost / diminished financial security or quality of life.

- Fear of being alone / early death of partner.

- Expectation of having to abandon partner due to inability / unwillingness to cope.

***

I would continue to date. It's too big a part of life to omit.
 
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