How to deal with stalker ex-friends or SO's


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Shelby is offline Shelby Post #1  June 8,2011, 4:37pm
Shelby's Avatar

said what she meant; meant what she said.

Veteran

Joined: Nov 2007

California

Posts: 1,881

See profile

I had an old friendship that ended almost 20 years ago, mostly on my part because we'd grown apart and I really wasn't interested in keeping it up. I wanted it to peter out, but this person would still try to call (I finally let all my calls go to the answering machine) or Xmas cards (I didn't reciprocate.)

Out of the blue, this person calls me at work says "Happy Birthday!". This person had cyberstalked me, looked up my work phone number, Google-imaged me, had my home address and phone number. And probably found my birth date from the Internet or some online directory.

I find this creepy. This person wants to get together with me. I have no interest in doing so, and don't have time for the drama, clinginess and the general pessimism that radiated from this person.

Have you encountered this before? How would you respond if an ex-friend or ex-significant other makes you feel like you're being stalked? Is there a nice way to tell them to go away and don't bother you any more?
 
  Reply With Quote
annother is offline annother Post #2  June 8,2011, 5:37pm
annother's Avatar

Sage

Joined: Apr 2010

Alberta

Posts: 10,735

See profile

No, there isn't a nice way to tell them to go away.

I was in a similar situation with an ex pen-pal/long distance boyfriend. I changed my phone numbers and email addresses in order to cut off communication with him. Even that was not enough. His brother tracked down my new email address, and the ldr himself contacted me at work about six months ago.

I simply did not respond to the latest emails, even though they were poignant and I was tempted. Since then I have heard nothing.
 
  Reply With Quote
OmahaJoe is offline OmahaJoe Post #3  June 8,2011, 7:22pm
OmahaJoe's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Oct 2010

Posts: 228

See profile

My first choice is Conceal and Carry!

Other than that, I'd say embarrassment - public humiliation.

Really, stalkers are pathetic and they are embarrassing to watch when they make fools of themselves.

What they don't seem to realize is that they burn their future opportunities with someone else when they make spectacles of themselves.
 
  Reply With Quote
Shelby is offline Shelby Post #4  June 8,2011, 8:19pm
Shelby's Avatar

said what she meant; meant what she said.

Veteran

Joined: Nov 2007

California

Posts: 1,881

See profile

Poofing seemed pretty effective for awhile, but I think I need a new strategy. Can't change my work phone number, and can't roll all my business calls to voicemail.

I think it's OK if some one in the past wants to drop you a line. But it's plain weird for this person to look up your personal info online, then spew that information to you, and then not think that they come off like a stalker. Either very socially unaware, or maybe a personality disorder...
 
  Reply With Quote
annother is offline annother Post #5  June 9,2011, 4:25am
annother's Avatar

Sage

Joined: Apr 2010

Alberta

Posts: 10,735

See profile

Shelby wrote :
Poofing seemed pretty effective for awhile, but I think I need a new strategy. Can't change my work phone number, and can't roll all my business calls to voicemail.

I think it's OK if some one in the past wants to drop you a line. But it's plain weird for this person to look up your personal info online, then spew that information to you, and then not think that they come off like a stalker. Either very socially unaware, or maybe a personality disorder...
I still think no response is the best response.

I have read in other threads that some phone service providers make it possible to block calls from particular numbers. It wasn't possible for me (I tried) but it's something to consider.

Also, if they are using a workplace phone number or email address, perhaps your employer's security or IT people can help you.
 
  Reply With Quote
TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #6  June 9,2011, 4:43am
TheThinker's Avatar

Just what you want to be...you will be in the end

Power Poster

Joined: Aug 2009

The Island of Rhode

Posts: 6,408

See profile

Shelby wrote :
I had an old friendship that ended almost 20 years ago, mostly on my part because we'd grown apart and I really wasn't interested in keeping it up. I wanted it to peter out, but this person would still try to call (I finally let all my calls go to the answering machine) or Xmas cards (I didn't reciprocate.)

Out of the blue, this person calls me at work says "Happy Birthday!". This person had cyberstalked me, looked up my work phone number, Google-imaged me, had my home address and phone number. And probably found my birth date from the Internet or some online directory.

I find this creepy. This person wants to get together with me. I have no interest in doing so, and don't have time for the drama, clinginess and the general pessimism that radiated from this person.

Have you encountered this before? How would you respond if an ex-friend or ex-significant other makes you feel like you're being stalked? Is there a nice way to tell them to go away and don't bother you any more?
Did this guy leave you a message or did you actually talk to him? If it's the former, then don't respond...
if he continues to leave messages, at work, home, etc..make it crystal clear he should lose your number.
After that you can start filing for harassment, it would seem.

I sometimes see poeple on here throwing the word "stalker" around as if it is a one size fits all word for anyone you don't want to talk to....there is a difference between a stalker and a jerk/nuisance..

I also believe the first question the police would ask you is:
Have you told them you don't want any further contact with them?
Last edited by TheThinker; June 9,2011 at 4:50am.
 
  Reply With Quote
annother is offline annother Post #7  June 9,2011, 10:28am
annother's Avatar

Sage

Joined: Apr 2010

Alberta

Posts: 10,735

See profile

TheThinker wrote :
D
I sometimes see poeple on here throwing the word "stalker" around as if it is a one size fits all word for anyone you don't want to talk to....there is a difference between a stalker and a jerk/nuisance..

I also believe the first question the police would ask you is:
Have you told them you don't want any further contact with them?
I agree, Thinker, that there is a difference between the nuisance and the stalker. However, it is a slippery slope. When one is constantly being approached by someone who is a nuisance, it starts to feel threatening.

When I discussed this with my phone company, they explained that they could only block the phone number of someone who was breaking the law. Just because I didn't want him to call me didn't mean he was breaking the law.

That's all very well, but the emotions that these calls conjured up were upsetting to the point that it was difficult to do my work effectively. I understand Shelby's frustrations. Even though this man's actions are not defined as stalking, they are often the actions of someone who might become a stalker. It is VERY troubling.
 
  Reply With Quote
Shelby is offline Shelby Post #8  June 9,2011, 6:41pm
Shelby's Avatar

said what she meant; meant what she said.

Veteran

Joined: Nov 2007

California

Posts: 1,881

See profile

I know there are millions of people who google- or facebook-search old friends, and maybe will send them an e-mail, friend request or even snail mail.

But to call out of the blue after 20 years and then recite your street address, home phone number and birthdate? Don't you think that's a bit obsessive?

And yes I did answer the phone and was caught off-guard. That's why I want a "prepared" response so I can politely say that I don't want to rekindle any friendship (especially with an self-centered emotional vampire.)
 
  Reply With Quote
loislane77 is offline loislane77 Post #9  July 7,2011, 9:11am
loislane77's Avatar

is radiating blue.

Newbie

Joined: Feb 2009

Posts: 26

See profile

How did you handle that phone call at work?
Here are some ideas...

Make them uncomfortable, try to point out how strange their actions are, such as saying things like, "I'm surprised to hear from you, how did you get this number? How did you get that information?"

Wrap it up to keep it brief, not giving them any indication that you want to spend time speaking with them nor see them and say, "Well it's not appropriate for me to get calls at this number, and I'm very busy working. Good-bye." And hang up.

I don't really know what else you could add, but I really think just keeping a polite, yet serious and firm tone and keeping it brief and succinct -- to the point is best. Then simply avoid them, block them if you can, and don't respond to any of their attempts to contact you.

Good luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #10  July 7,2011, 10:17am
shapeShifter7…'s Avatar

likes dancing!

Board Leader: Health & Wellness

Joined: Apr 2011

CA

Posts: 2,499

See profile

Shelby wrote :
But to call out of the blue after 20 years and then recite your street address, home phone number and birthdate? Don't you think that's a bit obsessive?
"Obsessive - Having one thought or pursuing one activity to the absolute or nearly absolute exclusion of all others."

It's strange--and it's unlikely I would resume such a friendship--but obsessive is exaggerating if he could learn that from a 5-10min search.

A couple years ago I had an urge to lookup old friends and see "Where are they now?" after seeing one too many Classmates ad. You can learn alot in about five minutes! Now, I had no urge to try to contact them--we're very different people now at different points in our lives.

I've only been called by "10-year-old" friends, but I don't reckon I would react badly to a short call from a "20-year-old" friend. I would catch-up politely, wonder what made them feel the urge to call me, and then wrap it up. I think it's a wee bit early for the stalker talk when it was only one call and you haven't made your disinterest clear to him.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; July 7,2011 at 10:23am.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Men ~ which is more appealing? | About You | Do Women Really Care About “Cool”? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
How to differentiate friends and lovers? Should I move on or continue? pinksusie Dating 20 February 22,2011 2:06pm
Insulted? by Boyfriend's Friends! What to do? voteoften Relationships 21 November 27,2010 6:18am
letting go of bad friends who are sometimes good people cp30 About You 24 November 14,2010 6:52pm
Friends with Benefits -- one-sided benefit? nightling let's talk about sex 30 November 16,2009 6:02am
Having Friends DennisWisconsin A Man's Point of view 3 May 24,2009 7:54am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Umm....I don't think you are clearly seeing this guy for who he is. He has been with two women at all times... First...it was his wife and you...Then it was you and this other woman....And then now ... ” –  Ingytravel

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“Simple answer to the OP's question: NO. The drama isn't worth it. Tell your boyfriend you don't want to be around him when he's like this (and mean it). Go away, find other things to do, and ... ” –  Lindac7

Join the “Dating a Moody Guy. Is the Drama Worth It???” discussion

“But they are all "jocks," so none interest her. Not only would they never like or get her nerdiness since they are jocks, but as jocks, they don't read, go to museums, go to plays, eat, breath... ... ” –  emma_hazards

Join the “Super active/physically fit men not a match” discussion

“ Heh. I was thinking the same thing, I remember this thread from nearly 2 years ago! But, it is definitely fascinating to see the chip on some people's shoulders, when old threads like this get ... ” –  ScottK

Join the “Do men prefer thin women?” discussion

“Thank you everyone for replying...I think I know what's the right thing to do now. I haven't dated a lot and your advice is very helpful. On a side note, yes, he claims that this is his first time ... ” –  smilingeye

Join the “single mother asking for advice: when to introduce him to my children?” discussion

“No. Usually I am thinking In God's name, why is that kid shrieking like that?! Doesn't his mother hear him? Maybe it gets to the point where the kid's own mother can't even hear him anymore, but ... ” –  Faraday

Join the “Saw You Look” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 8:14am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0