How to deal with stalker ex-friends or SO's


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dmi is online now dmi Post #11  July 7,2011, 11:43am
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I would respond that I have no interest in getting together or even hearing from them. Please do not contact me again. Ever.

Pretty harsh, but, it usually does the job. Sometimes just not responding works, but, when it doesn't look like it will, you have to do the above sooner or later and it is better to not have to put up with a bunch of nonsense in the meantime.
 
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kididaho is offline kididaho Post #12  July 7,2011, 11:45am
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
"Obsessive - Having one thought or pursuing one activity to the absolute or nearly absolute exclusion of all others."

It's strange--and it's unlikely I would resume such a friendship--but obsessive is exaggerating if he could learn that from a 5-10min search.

A couple years ago I had an urge to lookup old friends and see "Where are they now?" after seeing one too many Classmates ad. You can learn alot in about five minutes! Now, I had no urge to try to contact them--we're very different people now at different points in our lives.

I've only been called by "10-year-old" friends, but I don't reckon I would react badly to a short call from a "20-year-old" friend. I would catch-up politely, wonder what made them feel the urge to call me, and then wrap it up. I think it's a wee bit early for the stalker talk when it was only one call and you haven't made your disinterest clear to him.
I agree. One phone call isn't necessarily an indication of this guy being a stalker. Strange? A bit, but sometimes it's good to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

Now, should he continue to call, email or show signs of excessive attempts to contact you after you have told him you are not interested in getting together with him, then you've got reason to be concerned.

20 years is a long time, and maybe he's changed. I'm not so sure I would have used his demonstration of your whereabouts, but he was probably just excited to find you after all these years.

Relax. Tell him it was nice talking to him, you're happy he's doing well, and wish him all the best. That should do it. If not, then don't ask us; call the police.
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #13  July 9,2011, 6:18am
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I agree you need to deliver the message that you don't want to talk with him anymore. I'd suggest using the excuse that you're sooooo busy and stressed out you don't have time to keep in contact with hardly anyone anymore. That every time someone from way back when gets in touch with you it just makes you feel horrible because you know you won't be able to get back to them. Even Christmas cards!

If he doesn't get it, you could always "tell him a story." You tell him about this other friend of yours who contacted you out of the blue and had your address and all sorts of information. And it scared the heck out of you. You know he meant well, but it creeped you out and you had to break off all contact. You even considered reporting it! But he understood and you haven't heard from him since. You're relieved you didn't have to take harsher measures.

People tend to personalize any story you tell them and relate it to themselves without even realizing it.

After this point, you can still easily resort to direct conflict. And you did warn him what you do to people you feel stalked by. If you just keep talking about yourself, though, it'll be a lot harder for him to feel accused or attacked. Which means he'll stay calmer. Which is good for all concerned. Good luck!
 
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