A "List" of One Thing is Too Small !!!


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #1  June 7,2011, 3:32pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,642

See profile

Whatcha looking for?


Xable wrote :
My wish list for a partner was always short and reasonable to begin with but after having not a single person interested in me in my 31 years I have finally shortened it down to one thing: I want him to care for me. I don't really care about anything else.

The reason this concerns me is that it doesn't actually make this person more appealing.

My fear, if a woman were to reach significantly below her league to accept me, is that as soon as she chanced upon a better matched match, she would leave me.

A similar partner thus feels much safer.

I am concerned that this would lead to resentment, contempt for me, dissatisfaction, etc.
 
  Reply With Quote
brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #2  June 7,2011, 4:19pm
brneyedangel's Avatar

would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

Virtuoso

Joined: May 2009

northeast Ohio

Posts: 4,590

See profile

I can understand why you would feel this way, and were the roles reversed, I'd feel the same way, as well, froggy.

I'm looking for someone who has similar morals and goals first and foremost. Intelligence, a kind heart, a sense of humor that people understand and appreciate (so if he's the only one laughing, not so much ), someone who is healthy and fit or who is working to improve in this regard, as this is the biggest goal in my life right now--and someone with patience who realizes that while I'm well on my way, and it WILL happen, it will take a little time if I'm going to do it right. I love music (I love to sing), animals, and books, so it would be nice if he appreciated these things (though he doesn't have to be passionate about them like I am). I'm big on responsibility and kids, too. I have to be--I'd be a pretty lousy teacher if I wasn't. I have no problem with kids being a part of the deal--in fact, I'd welcome them, as I cannot have children, and that's been a hard thing to come to terms with in my life.

I'd prefer he not be an alcoholic and not spend his days looking for his next fix. I know...I'm over the top and completely unreasonable when I add these things. This is obviously the reason why I am still single. That was dripping with sarcasm for those of you who do not know me very well.

The thing is, these aren't all necessary for me to be happy. I'm very happy to explore my own interests, and I already do that, anyway. There are things that I can let go, and things that are deal breakers if they aren't there. So this is my must have/would like to have list. Sometimes I add to it, sometimes I delete from it, but right now, this is the combination to my heart, so to speak.
 
  Reply With Quote
Diana_P is offline Diana_P Post #3  June 7,2011, 5:22pm
Diana_P's Avatar

Board Leader - Religion & Spirituality

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 1,118

See profile

D_Lion wrote :
Whatcha looking for?

The reason this concerns me is that it doesn't actually make this person more appealing.

My fear, if a woman were to reach significantly below her league to accept me, is that as soon as she chanced upon a better matched match, she would leave me.

A similar partner thus feels much safer.

I am concerned that this would lead to resentment, contempt for me, dissatisfaction, etc.
I could see how you might think that, but Xable has a good point. Most people tend to feel that because they are physically fit, smart, make good money, or whatever that they are entitled to a person who fits their laundry list of qualifications. This simply is NOT true. Having certain attributes doesn’t “entitle” anyone to anything. For example, you might have a nice build, but be very hard to live with and the assessment of your worthiness can only be made by the other person not you.

I think this one concept at its core is why so many people who are looking for someone are single. People who are truly happy together know the other person’s love is a gift given freely and not contingent upon their physical beauty, intellect, or financial standing. If the only reason she is with you is because “I want him to care for me” she is actually far less likely to resent you if or when what you bring to the table drastically changes. On the other hand, if she had a laundry list of expectations before considering you in her league then the instant you no longer measure up your footing becomes frightfully insecure.

I believe this in a nutshell is what is wrong with modern dating. People are far too concerned with “what they can get” for example, looks, ethnicity, income, great sex, etc., and not enough concerned with “what they can give.” The entitlement mentality is in direct conflict with seeing a person realistically because you are only concerned with what you think you deserve and not with what they really have to offer.

Obviously there are still some very real deal breakers like respect, fidelity, and how much time each partner has to invest into the relationship. However, the only way you are being shortchanged when someone wants to give you a shot who doesn’t make enough money, is too tall, too thick, a different ethnicity, or what ever is if you don’t give yourself permission to explore the possibility.

There is a reason eH matched you and when someone reaches out to you there is a reason they find you attractive. They want to give you their love so you are the one who is being cheated by turning them down. Let me repeat that: “They WANT to give you love!” Now, contrast that to the women who meet your conditions and DON’T want to give you love or the women who meet your requirements but will only give you love contingent on their criteria.

I’m not saying you should try and date someone you find repulsive. I’m just saying that relationships aren’t about what we are owed or entitled; they are about wanting to give of yourself and how hard we are willing to work for mutual happiness. Does that make sense?
 
  Reply With Quote
Angelkrista is offline Angelkrista Post #4  June 7,2011, 5:26pm
Angelkrista's Avatar

Shouldn't I have all of this...and passionate kisses?

Board Leader - Movies

Joined: Apr 2011

South Carolina

Posts: 650

See profile

Deja vu
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  June 7,2011, 5:34pm
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,668

See profile

Diana_P great post.
 
  Reply With Quote
harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #6  June 7,2011, 5:35pm
harnomygirl's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Mar 2011

Posts: 6,311

See profile

D_Lion wrote :
Whatcha looking for?

The reason this concerns me is that it doesn't actually make this person more appealing.

My fear, if a woman were to reach significantly below her league to accept me, is that as soon as she chanced upon a better matched match, she would leave me.

A similar partner thus feels much safer.

I am concerned that this would lead to resentment, contempt for me, dissatisfaction, etc.
I remember this. I think the list was a little longer and included being a good man who cared for her and the children they had together for quite a significant period of time. It does sound short, but it's likely that if you cared for her and she didn't care for you she would not actually have your children. At least, I really hope so. I can understand your reservations though. You'll have to use your judgment if you meet her.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #7  June 7,2011, 5:48pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,642

See profile

Regarding some points from Diana_P:


On the other hand, if she had a laundry list of expectations before considering you in her league then the instant you no longer measure up your footing becomes frightfully insecure.

I'm not sure why you wrote this, since this was what I was saying in the OP?

I'm used to being dismissed the "moment I don't measure up," and quite frankly would be perplexed if the opposite were to happen.


Obviously there are still some very real deal breakers like respect, fidelity, and how much time each partner has to invest into the relationship.

I have never considered time a deal-breaker, and consider fidelity to be primarily a safety concern, not an emotional one. Respect is earned, so has always been a non-issue fore me.


They want to give you their love so you are the one who is being cheated by turning them down.

Then why do women ignore most of their messages?

***

Nothing in my post states or implies "entitlement."

I look for compatible partners for the same reason I look for accounting jobs - it's the value I bring to the table. Can I do mechanical engineering jobs? Possibly, at close to entry-level; would I be hired? Of course not - so I don't chase such jobs.


Now, contrast that to the women who meet your conditions and DON’T want to give you love or the women who meet your requirements but will only give you love contingent on their criteria.

This person I trust and respect.

If a woman is satisfied with me, and choosing to be with me because she enjoys time with me, then that makes sense.

Anything less, and I would not expect her to keep me.
 
  Reply With Quote
j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #8  June 7,2011, 6:33pm
j0hn8andy's Avatar

.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2009

California

Posts: 5,091

See profile

This is what I think.

1) If you are taking issue with what Xable wrote...shouldn't that have been done in the thread in which she wrote it? Does she know you started this thread here?

2) If you are taking issue with a person having one single requirement...that can be done without the quote of her post.

3) I don't concern myself with another person's "list". They "get to"...list whatever the heck they want.

4) If one truly thinks a person is making a mistake with their "list"...it just seems to me that could have been handled better privately, via PM.

I guess you can tell these kinds of threads...started with a quote of somebody from another thread...with their name showing, when I don't know how the quoted person would feel about that...

...well, they just irritate the heck outta me.

j8a
Last edited by j0hn8andy; June 7,2011 at 8:57pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #9  June 7,2011, 6:53pm
mitchell175's Avatar

mixing metaphors in a mellifluous melange of malapropisms

Power Poster

Joined: Oct 2010

Boston, MA... or thereabouts

Posts: 6,360

See profile

I agree with j8a, and actually had the same thing done to me by D_Lion recently. Imagine my surprise when I clicked the link and saw that the thread was actually about me? How about a PM with a heads-up next time?

A "list" of one thing may be "too small" to rule someone in, but how big of a list do you have to have before you can rule someone out? I met an online match for a date tonight, and spent most of the meal going over in my mind what it would take for me to actually date this person. Could I live with this thing? Or that? Is the fact that he just said this a dealbreaker for me? Is the fact that he didn't say that a dealbreaker?

In the end, I thought it would be pointless to go on a second date with this guy. The "little" things I noticed in the phone call with him became "bigger" things at the in person meeting, and I could only imagine that they would grow even larger over time. But, I know that I cannot say that I did not give this guy a fair chance. That was the whole point of meeting him after the iffy phone call.

A friend recently asked me if I found this guy "compelling"? If I had a list of one thing, I just might have to have that as my deciding criteria.
 
  Reply With Quote
harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #10  June 7,2011, 6:59pm
harnomygirl's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Mar 2011

Posts: 6,311

See profile

mitchell175 wrote :
I agree with j8a, and actually had the same thing done to me by D_Lion recently. Imagine my surprise when I clicked the link and saw that the thread was actually about me? How about a PM with a heads-up next time?
I think people may be afraid to PM because the recipient might be more unpleasant to you than they would have been on the public boards. A PM would have been the right thing to do though.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« is it perceived differently if someone adopts vs. has biological children from their ex? | About You | Height/Weight - Hypocritical or Unrealistic Expectations? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
How long without sex? Looking back was it a good thing? curlygirlpdx About You 141 June 13,2011 12:56am
How do i confront with the age thing? estee Ask a Dating Expert 19 January 16,2011 1:04pm
Is this thing broken? beautifeet67 Lost in nowhereland 1 September 15,2010 1:20pm
That "Thing" That Drives Them Away Can_I_just_be_Jo Dating 65 July 28,2010 11:59am
If I could only teach him/her to do one thing well it would be... WeDesignOurLives let's talk about sex 48 January 11,2010 8:35am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Umm....I don't think you are clearly seeing this guy for who he is. He has been with two women at all times... First...it was his wife and you...Then it was you and this other woman....And then now ... ” –  Ingytravel

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“Simple answer to the OP's question: NO. The drama isn't worth it. Tell your boyfriend you don't want to be around him when he's like this (and mean it). Go away, find other things to do, and ... ” –  Lindac7

Join the “Dating a Moody Guy. Is the Drama Worth It???” discussion

“But they are all "jocks," so none interest her. Not only would they never like or get her nerdiness since they are jocks, but as jocks, they don't read, go to museums, go to plays, eat, breath... ... ” –  emma_hazards

Join the “Super active/physically fit men not a match” discussion

“ Heh. I was thinking the same thing, I remember this thread from nearly 2 years ago! But, it is definitely fascinating to see the chip on some people's shoulders, when old threads like this get ... ” –  ScottK

Join the “Do men prefer thin women?” discussion

“Thank you everyone for replying...I think I know what's the right thing to do now. I haven't dated a lot and your advice is very helpful. On a side note, yes, he claims that this is his first time ... ” –  smilingeye

Join the “single mother asking for advice: when to introduce him to my children?” discussion

“No. Usually I am thinking In God's name, why is that kid shrieking like that?! Doesn't his mother hear him? Maybe it gets to the point where the kid's own mother can't even hear him anymore, but ... ” –  Faraday

Join the “Saw You Look” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 8:11am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0