A "List" of One Thing is Too Small !!!


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Xable is offline Xable Post #31  June 10,2011, 10:02am
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tangochef wrote :

It is not anything too extreme that I am talking about. You might consider it not caring if the guy does not make a huge deal out of your birthday or he watches Lakers while you want to watch Oprah. Not that you asked him to change the channel, but if he cared he'd know you like Oprah, and it is on at that time of the day and would have changed the channel on his own if he cared.

See where I am going with this? This is a hidden list that requires mind reading powers. A very big complaint of guys in relationships. If a woman ever tells me "You should have known...", I don't walk, I run away.
Okay, I see where you are going and I can see that being an issue. But, I'm not that type of girl and I don't think that way. If he doesn't know something about me and doesn't do it - I'm not going to get mad at him because how in the world could he know.

No, my definition of caring (or not caring) comes into play *after* I let a guy know something. A very good example is Valentine's Day.

I always make it clear (learned the hard way), that I would like to do something special on Valentine's Day (don't care what as long as we spend some alone time together) and that a card would be nice.

I would say he is not caring if, after I tell him this, Valentine's Day comes and goes with nada word or sign from him. He knew what would make me happy but didn't care.

Conversely, if I hadn't said anything about Valentine's Day and it comes and goes with nada word or sign from him - I am not going to play the "you don't care about me" card. What I would be, is very upset at myself for not saying what I wanted/desired clearly.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #32  June 11,2011, 8:04am
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Angelkrista wrote :
Curiously, how would you feel if she said "When you do/don't do....I don't feel like you care for me"?

The problem here is that she would be making an assumption about my motivation, as inferred through my bahavior. It's more likely than not to be faulty on both counts.

And that's the most benign explanation - it's really a criticism ("you don't care") combined with a nag / whine ("I want something.")

It's also a weak manner of speaking. I don't mind a partner wanting something (as long as they bring what they want), but I expect it to be communicated clearly - and without the unnecessary implied criticism.

To use an example that is encountered on a daily basis in the "dating" board, assume a person likes daily phone calls. I don't do phone calls except for simple logistics ("When are you finishing work on Friday?"), or emergencies ("My air conditioning isn't working, what should I check for?")

I prefer to have conversations in person. Therefore, this would be a point of dissimilarity / incompatibity between me and many women.

So, this partner might say to me: "When you don't call 'just to chat,' I don't feel like you care for me." Now, immediately I have a basis to argue the faulty premise, rather than react to the (unstated) request.

A much better way to speak would be to say "Would you please call sometimes for no reason?" Or, "I enjoy speaking on to you; can we do so more?" Or, "Is there a best time I can call 'just to chat'?"

Any of these option provide the request, and some provide her motivation as well - without attacking, criticising, or belittling me (much less adding the faulty assumption and nagging manner of oblique requests.)

There's nothing wrong with "wants" (so long as the person doesn't want stuff they aren't providing.) Ultimately I may still refuse or be unable, but then it is only a compatibility problem, and not also a character / mode of communication problem.
 
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Xable is offline Xable Post #33  June 11,2011, 8:50am
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Food for thought. But, she is telling you her wants but also she is telling you WHY she wants it.

I want you to call me because it makes me feel like you care.
 
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Angelkrista is offline Angelkrista Post #34  June 11,2011, 11:45am
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D_Lion wrote :

It's also a weak manner of speaking. I don't mind a partner wanting something (as long as they bring what they want), but I expect it to be communicated clearly - and without the unnecessary implied criticism.

...

Any of these option provide the request, and some provide her motivation as well - without attacking, criticising, or belittling me (much less adding the faulty assumption and nagging manner of oblique requests.)

There's nothing wrong with "wants" (so long as the person doesn't want stuff they aren't providing.) Ultimately I may still refuse or be unable, but then it is only a compatibility problem, and not also a character / mode of communication problem.
Fair enough.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #35  June 11,2011, 1:31pm
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D_Lion wrote :
It's also a weak manner of speaking. I don't mind a partner wanting something (as long as they bring what they want), but I expect it to be communicated clearly - and without the unnecessary implied criticism.

So, this partner might say to me: "When you don't call 'just to chat,' I don't feel like you care for me." Now, immediately I have a basis to argue the faulty premise, rather than react to the (unstated) request.
Psychologists suggest that the better way to communicate with a partner is to speak in "I feel" statements instead of "you make me" statements. For example "When you stay out late with your friends and don't call me, I feel disappointed and unsure" and not "You make me crazy when you stay out late with your friends and don't call me". The first example is very valid, because it clearly states how that person feels. It does not put the onus onto the other person to be the "cause" of that feeling.

wrote :
A much better way to speak would be to say "Would you please call sometimes for no reason?" Or, "I enjoy speaking on to you; can we do so more?" Or, "Is there a best time I can call 'just to chat'?"
This would also be a good way to speak. But, using "I feel" statements are not accusatory. Just as someone else cannot assume what you feel, you can only assume that when someone tells you "I feel like..." that they are telling the truth and not nagging/whining.
Last edited by mitchell175; June 11,2011 at 1:36pm.
 
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