How much do you let your past affect your current dating style?


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dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #1  February 13,2011, 8:44am
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This comment by Special-K got me to do some serious thinking today.

Special-K wrote :
I mean, and many of you will argue, reading these boards and IRL (men and women alike... I too have been guilty of this) whine over how someone is mistreating them and want to know how to win back the object of his/her desire (the one making them feel unworthy and sad). Think about your own dating history. Is your heart scarred by those you liked/loved who treated you well... or by the ones who ripped out your heart, stomped on it and left you for dead?...

So, what does that say about us? Are we all masochists?
I took a long break from dating while I went back to school. I can honestly say that the "baggage" part of everything before then is pretty well over with. I have a couple things that I try to do differently because of those past relationships, but I don't let them interfere with new ones. My dating experiences from the last year, however, have tainted my view of dating. Because of my experiences, I tend to make my way very cautiously into every new dating experience. I am not as "open" as I used to be.

The date I had last week, the big fan of The 5 Love Languages, did some HARD pushing for what amounted to a commitment on our fist date. (He considered it our third because of a few prior phone conversations lasting several hours.) He was all about getting to know each other, and taking the time with no other distractions to do it, which I get. I don't mind that aspect of things... And while I am not a fan of multi-dating, he wanted my profile hidden and as he said it, he "wanted the keys to my house (me being the house)". It was all or nothing. Because now that we had met in person, he had a good feeling I was the whole package... Now, I know this behavior is over the top, that's not the issue. But I didn't even get that rush, not even a tingle, that made even want to jump in with both feet, no matter how much I liked him (and I did until then). But it did make me think, "NO. I don't want to jump in with both feet again. NO. I don't want to throw caution to the wind." No matter who the guy is. When I declined, he told me I was letting my baggage get in the way.

The last year of dating for me was painful. Does this mean all that experience, and how I feel now is "Baggage"? Is it baggage to want to tread softly, cautiously? To take my time to get to know someone instead of running around like a chicken with its head cut off?

Special-K asked if our hearts were scarred and how/by whom. My heart IS scarred. My heart has been ripped out, stomped on and left for dead. And sadly, those experiences far outweigh the good ones.

Is there someone from my past, who hurt me, that I would let come back? There is someone I would give a second chance to if he dropped his bullpuckey act and just talked to me like an adult and quit acting like a 17 yr old high schooler. I think we could have been really good together if given half a chance and outside forces weren't working against us.

Does that make me a masochist? I don't know...
I do know that I look at dating in a while different light now than I did last year at this time.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #2  February 13,2011, 9:13am
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dazedconfuzed wrote :
(He considered it our third because of a few prior phone conversations lasting several hours.) He was all about getting to know each other, and taking the time with no other distractions to do it, which I get. I don't mind that aspect of things... And while I am not a fan of multi-dating, he wanted my profile hidden...
Hey, Dazed!

No problem using my quote... hope it gets a good thread started.

I saved this part of your post, as I recently had a guy do this. Every time I see a similarity in behavior/words to something I've heard from a guy I've dated, it makes me wonder if there's some secret book out there about which only the guys know.

This guy (the one to whom I am referring here) and I had logged (quite possibly) hundreds of hours of phone conversations. He (jokingly) referred to our first date as our third and our second date as our sixth. We hid our profiles after our first date. And what did he do after our second date? Poofed!
Last edited by Special-K; February 13,2011 at 9:16am.
 
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Bijou13 is offline Bijou13 Post #3  February 13,2011, 9:24am
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I took a long time off from relationships and recently got back into the dating game. I had dates here and there but avoided relationships bc I needed to heal and I didn't want to go into anything worthwhile with baggage.

I think there are elements that stay with us, but if we give ourselves the time to face, heal and move on from them, they won't affect the return to dating adversely. Not always true but time is great healer. It also allows us to look back and see where we might have made mistakes and see our growth from the person we were to the person we are now.
 
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Xable is offline Xable Post #4  February 13,2011, 9:50am
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wrote :
So, what does that say about us? Are we all masochists?
I don't think it makes us masochists. I think it makes us unaware.

How can you know you are in a bad relationship if you have never experienced a good one? How can you know how truly good a relationship you are in if you have never experienced a bad one?

I find people who finally experience a good relationship after a string of bad ones, finally find themselves only having good ones. Once they see how good it can really be, they quickly disengage from the bad ones.

Then you have the people who have never had anything but good relationships. They might float from one relationship to another never realizing how lucky they are. Not too surprisingly, these people, once they finally hit their bad relationship slump, quickly learn how good they did have it (might even regret giving up a good thing in the past) and as soon as they hit the next good relationship, stick with it.

Baggage or Experience - it is the same thing. When someone doesn't like what you are doing it is called baggage. When what you are doing helps you out, it is called experience.

My only experiences in the dating arena is having my heart ripped out, and not only stomped on, but shredded into itty-bitty pieces. I have a scar that will always be there and so I too like to take things slow. However, I know that if the right guy came along, I would jump right in with both feet.

Your guy is calling it baggage because you don't want to jump. But, I ask, is it? Or is it experience that is stopping you? Do you think with the right guy you might jump and that maybe your experience is telling you he isn't the right guy?

That aside, never let someone convince you to do something you don't want to. If the people really respects you, they will let you move forward at your own speed. At the core, this isn't about any baggage you may or may not have. That is just a tactic to get you to do something that you don't seem to be ready to do.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #5  February 13,2011, 10:07am
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Brains, not baggage are "getting in the way" here...........Over the top ...not the issue? It should be........

Anyone who tries to use these persuasive tricks: (explaining touchy-feely books) control tactics: (take your profile down, get keys to your house), and extreme pushiness: (all or nothing).......is someone to start running as fast as you can from.........

Why ponder "feeling guarded" "past baggage"when it's an appropriate response to a manipulator like this?.........Question him, not you.........Good Luck.......
dazedconfuzed wrote :
The date I had last week, the big fan of The 5 Love Languages, did some HARD pushing for what amounted to a commitment on our fist date.
he wanted my profile hidden and as he said it, he "wanted the keys to my house (me being the house)". It was all or nothing.
 
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dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #6  February 13,2011, 10:19am
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Wiseman2 wrote :
Brains, not baggage are "getting in the way" here...........Over the top ...not the issue? It should be........

Anyone who tries to use these persuasive tricks: (explaining touchy-feely books) control tactics: (take your profile down, get keys to your house), and extreme pushiness: (all or nothing).......is someone to start running as fast as you can from.........

Why ponder "feeling guarded" "past baggage"when it's an appropriate response to a manipulator like this?.........Question him, not you.........Good Luck.......

Yes... good point. I know.


But another POV, like Xable mentioned... if I thought he was the one... or a chance that he could be... would I hesitate? If everything fell into place and of course if he wasn't over the top like this one?

But believe me, he wasn't the one. He did push and try too hard. I didn't believe him, on our first meet, when he said he was different, better...

The funniest thing is... in thinking about all of this... Is that my best relationships have come out of being friends first, in some way. When there was no pressure and we were able to get to know each other without all the pretenses. There was no "expectation" and we were familiar with each others baggage.

ugh... I tell ya... sometimes it all just kills me... lol
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #7  February 13,2011, 10:37am
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Bijou13 wrote :
Not always true but time is great healer. It also allows us to look back and see where we might have made mistakes and see our growth from the person we were to the person we are now.
This is how I feel, too. I think that your past has to affect your future, there's no way that it can't. Yes, every relationship is "different", but we often find ourselves repeating the same patterns over and over, yet expecting different results. It's only when we can step back and realize our patterns, and change them, that we can hope to achieve a different result.

I think that being aware is the first step. You can go from relationship to relationship without ever thinking about why things didn't work out in the past, and you're probably not going to just miraculously end up in a different kind of relationship without ever doing any work to get there. Each person can teach us different things about relating (good and bad).

In the case of this controlling guy from the OP, he sounds like he is projecting his own baggage onto you, but making it seem like it's your baggage. Maybe last time he took his time, edging in slowly, all the while getting more and more emotionally involved, only to find out that the woman was "just not that into him". Or, it could be anything else.

I am definitely a "take it slow" kind of person...when there's no one on the horizon for dating possibilities. But when I meet someone new that excites me, I have the urge to want to dive right in with both feet. It's confusing, and very hard to keep my feelings in check when my head is telling me "Careful, don't go too fast...". What usually happens is that I dive right in anyway, then end up getting hurt, then kick myself for not listening to my head, and only following my heart. Every time, I tell myself "Well, next time I'm just not going to do that again...". I am afraid of ending up terribly jaded and not much good for anyone - yet I feel stupid for still holding onto that "hope".

I feel like I have become a weird mix of "hopeful optimism" and "jaded disillusionment". I don't really know how to balance the two.
 
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dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #8  February 13,2011, 10:41am
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mitchell175 wrote :

I am definitely a "take it slow" kind of person...when there's no one on the horizon for dating possibilities. But when I meet someone new that excites me, I have the urge to want to dive right in with both feet. It's confusing, and very hard to keep my feelings in check when my head is telling me "Careful, don't go too fast...". What usually happens is that I dive right in anyway, then end up getting hurt, then kick myself for not listening to my head, and only following my heart. Every time, I tell myself "Well, next time I'm just not going to do that again...". I am afraid of ending up terribly jaded and not much good for anyone - yet I feel stupid for still holding onto that "hope".

I feel like I have become a weird mix of "hopeful optimism" and "jaded disillusionment". I don't really know how to balance the two.

Were we separated at birth? lol
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #9  February 13,2011, 10:45am
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Hesitation before you jump into a polluted swamp is different from hesitation before you jump into a tropical pond..........it's common sense you are trying to override here..........why? If If If is the highway to a headache. for example it's like asking........If she didn't look my grandmother.......would I sleep with her?.........Huh?
dazedconfuzed wrote :
.. if I thought he was the one... or a chance that he could be... would I hesitate?
Last edited by Wiseman2; February 13,2011 at 10:47am.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #10  February 13,2011, 10:49am
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dazedconfuzed wrote :
...if I thought he was the one... or a chance that he could be... would I hesitate?
I have worried about this kind of thing, too. If you ask anyone who is settled and/or married with a LTR how they "knew someone was The One" they will usually just tell you "I don't know, I just... knew..."

Then I think to myself, what if he is The One, but I am hung up on the fact that I don't want him to be The One... and so I let him go... and then never get another chance, because he is (or was) The One?

This is just crazy. I know that. I know how crazy that sounds to others. But these thoughts still swirl through my head.

I've even thought of that with eHarmony. The first guy to contact me online, I called up his profile and said "Ugh". I didn't like his profile, because he sounded really boring, and I did not find him all that attractive, but I responded to his questions and read his answers to mine, and liked him even less, then made it to OC, and we exchanged a couple of emails, then I didn't hear from him in a week, and I was so grateful because then I closed him. Bullet dodged! Because I really did not want to ever meet this guy IRL. Then, the doubts started in... What if I closed him too soon? Did I give him enough of a chance? What if I closed him out, and this is the only chance I will ever have to meet anyone online?

Of course, this is after another guy who had initiated with me on EH poofed - so I am sure that was the reason for my panic.

What was that about your past affecting your present?
Last edited by mitchell175; February 13,2011 at 10:51am. Reason: Hung up - not hung...
 
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