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mystikchik mystikchik is offline
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mystikchik is an atheist and proud of it.

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A 70% failure rate in bed is way too high. Bringing us to orgasm is not exactly rocket science. It only takes a little effort on his part. For me it would be a deal breaker. I don't have sex just to fix up the guy. I want fixing up as well. If he is too lazy or too uncaring or too stupid to figure out how easy it is to get us girls to an orgasm is he not worth the effort: Drop him.
- April 9th, 2008, 06:33 pm
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Legendary2110 Legendary2110 is offline
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1japancat, wrote :
I love this man, I am in love with him, and I don't want to be with anyone else; but he is bad in bed 70% of the time. I have read books and tried countless times to find a way to talk about this with him. The rest of our communication good, so what to do?We both grew up in very strict christian homes and sex was something you couldn't ever talk about. I'm past that but I still don't know how to talk to him about this without hurting him. We've been together 4+ years. Did I mention he a US Marine, that means he's gone on deployments (Iraq, Korea, etc.) 2/3 of the year, so when we do get to make love it seems so intense. So ho do you say "Actually it wasn't that good for me, could you try this instead?" I respond to his stimulation when it's good, but sometimes he doesn't even offer any, he just leaves it to me to get him going and myself going all at the same time. I have a strong libido, but it's dying because it's lacking good fuel. And to make matter worse I have committed the sin of "faking an orgasm" many times because I don't know what else to do.I feel lost, I don't know how to deal with this. I know I have let it go to long. Some good advice, particularly from men, would be much appreciated. 1japancatPS He's leaving in 10 days and won't be back for 9 months. Can I just let this go and we canstart over when he gets back?
Don't be negative, you run the risk of offending him. Instead of saying, "It wasn't that good for me, could you try this instead," all you have to do is REPHRASE your statement a LITTLE bit.

Try saying it like this: "That was nice, but it would excite me more if you would try this instead."

A small difference, but, no risk of offending him with that statement. It can be frustrating for guys, like trying to find a needle in a haystack, and it's easy to give up trying to please when we can't figure it out. And sometimes all it takes to make the situation work is a SLIGHT difference... moving your fingers 1/8th of an inch, orin a different direction. Slowing down. Or sometimes speeding up. There's no shame in direct communication when it can make such a big difference to you by ending our guesswork!

At least that's what I'm looking for in a partner. Found out after 25 years that I don't have ESP and don't think I should be expected to have it!

Good luck!
- April 9th, 2008, 07:31 pm
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steveo steveo is offline
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Honestly, you gotta just tell him exactly what you want him to do...and be specific! We arent mind readers, and some of us never know what the hell we are doing half the time anyway. And every women likes something different so it can be tricky. And its even worse if you fake it, because now we think whatever we just did works, so we're gonna keep doing it.

I think its great when a girl tells you when "this feels good" or "this doesnt feel good". That way we know exactly what works and what doesnt! It doesnt hurt our feelings if you say something doesnt feel good. I'd rather know that, so I know not to do it again.
- April 9th, 2008, 08:19 pm
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MarieMarieMarie MarieMarieMarie is offline
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Sex is an important part of a relationship and if you let this continue, eventually it will get of of control and hurtful... You could approach this a little differently by having a "get reaquainted" noght when he gets home, at this "get reaquainted" night you could turn the tables and tell him that you are going to show HIM a good time. Take control and work things through.... Another way to handle it is to have a conversation and talk about special things you can do for each other and say that it is going to be like a fresh start so that you together can "recapture the magic". Perhaps under the guise of recapturing, you can actually make magic and hopefully, he'll be pleased and you will be pleased, as well. If this does not work, you probably should consider counseling, Good luck!
- April 9th, 2008, 08:21 pm
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MarieMarieMarie MarieMarieMarie is offline
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Sex is an important part of a relationship and if you let this continue, eventually it will get of of control and hurtful... You could approach this a little differently by having a "get reaquainted" noght when he gets home, at this "get reaquainted" night you could turn the tables and tell him that you are going to show HIM a good time. Take control and work things through.... Another way to handle it is to have a conversation and talk about special things you can do for each other and say that it is going to be like a fresh start so that you together can "recapture the magic". Perhaps under the guise of recapturing, you can actually make magic and hopefully, he'll be pleased and you will be pleased, as well. If this does not work, you probably should consider counseling, Good luck!
- April 9th, 2008, 08:21 pm
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thmhd110 thmhd110 is offline
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1japancat, wrote :
I love this man, I am in love with him, and I don't want to be with anyone else; but he is bad in bed 70% of the time. I have read books and tried countless times to find a way to talk about this with him. The rest of our communication good, so what to do?We both grew up in very strict christian homes and sex was something you couldn't ever talk about. I'm past that but I still don't know how to talk to him about this without hurting him. We've been together 4+ years. Did I mention he a US Marine, that means he's gone on deployments (Iraq, Korea, etc.) 2/3 of the year, so when we do get to make love it seems so intense. So ho do you say "Actually it wasn't that good for me, could you try this instead?" I respond to his stimulation when it's good, but sometimes he doesn't even offer any, he just leaves it to me to get him going and myself going all at the same time. I have a strong libido, but it's dying because it's lacking good fuel. And to make matter worse I have committed the sin of "faking an orgasm" many times because I don't know what else to do.I feel lost, I don't know how to deal with this. I know I have let it go to long. Some good advice, particularly from men, would be much appreciated. 1japancatPS He's leaving in 10 days and won't be back for 9 months. Can I just let this go and we canstart over when he gets back?
I am sorry to tell you this. Sex was never discussed in my home either, but I never had this issue due to my nature as a pleaser, unless I just did not care if she got hers. If he is sex ignorant and needs a road map, if you love him, please give him one, just tell him what you want him to do to you, he will do it, or he won't. You have to have ambition to please a lady and be creative in your thinking to keep doing it. I think there isonly onething that can't be fixed, if the fit is not right. That could be either the man or the womenin that case. I do hope everything works out, I hate to see divorce. So my opinion is you must open the topic with him, be kind, don't bash him. Actually you could just lie and say I'ma little bored with our sex life,honey why don't we try this. Use your imagination and be honest in what you want. who knows.
- April 9th, 2008, 09:10 pm
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AnnieA13 AnnieA13 is offline
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Emme wrote :
Maybe after he's gone, you can send him seriously steamy letters about what you want to do to him, and what you fantasize about his doing to you, and how you long for a long, slow deep session with him. Maybe a few letters like that back and forth will open communication up? Might be easier given your backgrounds to have the conversation by mail than face to face. Less awkward. Plus,w hen he's deployed and deprived of an outlet other than his own hand, you can give him a lot of hot new things to fantasize about!!! Maybe even send him little things in letters, spray some perfume on them, slip in a piece of ribbon or lace, whatever. Keep him riled up. :-)
I agree with this so much. For my man I had 'dreams' where he did what I wanted and he did the next time we were together. He is MUCH better in bed now. Have a few 'dreams' write them in a letter. They may not be nighttime dreams but they are what you dream of so let him know by all means. I doubt he can read your mind.

Good luck.
- April 10th, 2008, 11:38 pm
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tallos05 tallos05 is offline
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mystikchik wrote :
A 70% failure rate in bed is way too high. Bringing us to orgasm is not exactly rocket science. It only takes a little effort on his part. For me it would be a deal breaker. I don't have sex just to fix up the guy. I want fixing up as well. If he is too lazy or too uncaring or too stupid to figure out how easy it is to get us girls to an orgasm is he not worth the effort: Drop him.
Wow.. u realy dont know your own gender!! .. that is truly amazing.. its like this there are wemen out there that can be brought to there hight very very very very ez!!! and then there the ones that take a "special touch". yousound like the type that is EZ .. but our poster may not be that way... it does sound like he is not trying .. im not arguing that point.. BUT on the other hand she may just be one of those wemen that require ALOT of work.. and yes he should put the effort in... but how will he know to try harder if she keeps FAKEING IT!! .... HE probibly has no clue that he is not doing it for her!! Look it comes down to 1 thing.. is he or is he not willing to Try harder, to learn, to become what SHE needs.

I have had many relationships were the woman i was with Had NEVER managed to have an "O" .. some had been with many guys and some with only 2 guys ever... and all of them i helped them reach that point... some took litteraly a month of "working up" to get them to that point. The point here is that u have to Put the effert in to get the rewards out.... and he is not being allowed to put that effert in .... he thinks he is succeading ... becouse she is fakeing it so much.

IF he does not put the effert in after he knows he is not doing it.. he obvously does not care ... so leave.
- April 11th, 2008, 07:26 am
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BSchorr BSchorr is offline
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slfox wrote :
Run really fast! Some men never function and you are not responsible to fix it.
That seems like a fairly extreme reaction to me. She says she loves him and it seems to me that she should invest some more time working on their sex life rather than just bailing out.

Maybe if after she exhausts every other option things are still bad then she might have some decisions to make. But it seems way too early for that. I'm assuming that he's a great guy in every other way.

-B-
- April 11th, 2008, 11:45 am
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1japancat 1japancat is offline
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Well, It was getting better, actually a lot better. There was a lot of negative preassure built up from this situation, but talking about it and facing it has really improved me attitude towards this.However, now he's gone again for 7 months. I'm going to start writing letters as soon as he has an address, and hopefully we will keep getting better.
To clarify he is a great guy in ever other way. I feel badif I've made him soundbad as a person.He's not a talker in bed no matter how much I ask him what he likes, or what he doesn't like,he always says he likes "everything." Is that really possible? I don't know, but he never asks meback. So I've just started taking charge and showing him, and I can tell he notices but he doesn't seem to mind. It's hard to explain but I think maybe his emotions aren't conected to his sex life. Because in day to day life he is very loving, and kind, and giving;yet in bed he's just sort of there, but not all there. He says he doesn't know what he would do without me, and I believe him. I have no plans to leave, or stray for that matter. And I know if I manage to stick with honesty myself we will both grow from this.
A lot of you have had very understanding, and wise advice, thanksso much. I can't tell you how badly I needed it.

Cheers

Cait
- April 12th, 2008, 06:14 pm
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