he is bad in bed 70% of the time


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JohnD.34 is offline JohnD.34 Post #11  March 4,2008, 3:45pm
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1japancat, wrote :
2/3 of the year, so when we do get to make love it seems so intense. So ho do you say "Actually it wasn't that good for me, could you try this instead?" I respond to his stimulation when it's good, but sometimes he doesn't even offer any, he just leaves it to me to get him going and myself going all at the same time. I have a strong libido, but it's dying because it's lacking good fuel. And to make matter worse I have committed the sin of "faking an orgasm" many times because I don't know what else to do. I feel lost, I don't know how to deal with this. I know I have let it go to long. Some good advice, particularly from men, would be much appreciated. 1japancatPS He's leaving in 10 days and won't be back for 9 months. Can I just let this go and we can start over when he gets back?
No you definitely do not want to tell him outright that he is not any good in bed. This would probably only lead to him being even worse in bed. Performance anxiety can be a real erectile killer. Rather than tell him what you don't like tell him what you do like and make sure he knows that what he is doing is turning you on big time.

Most of us don't intuitively know what it is that works for women. If you want your man to be a good lover you are going to have to be his teacher. Playing teacher-student fantasy games can be quite a turn on, as well. Dress up as the teacher and have him dress as the pupil and be a very demanding teacher.

Play games where he can only use his fingers or tongue or toes or nose to bring you to an orgasm. You do the same back too and make it last a long, long time. Have fun with it.

I love the letter idea. How about phone sex? Can your man get any privacy? What a cool way to show him what turns you on and you know damn well it is going to turn him on, too.

BTW don't begrude the quickes either. For crying out loud he is probably big tme ready by the time he jumps into bed with you. Let him rock and roll and have at it. Surely once he done the deed and now has time to slowly play with you he should soon be ready for seconds or thirds. So let him have a quickie and then show him that is only the opening act.
 
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liz4dc is offline liz4dc Post #12  March 5,2008, 2:21pm
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He has probably been deployed by now, so take this time to email each other (assuming that is an option). Ask him what what are the things that you do to him that are his favorites. In return he will probably ask you the same. Now is the perfect time because the pressure is off, you wont see him for quite some time, so think of all that anticipation, not only for the answers, but when you are actually together again. The best, most intense sexual relationship I have ever had was where we were totally and complelty open about our likes and dislikes and our individual competitive nature to please each other.

If you are writing to him and he isn't catching on, tell him things that you want to try when he gets back or describe in detail your perfect night and be specific - where do you want him to touch you, how do you want him to touch you. Not only will you get what you want and how you want it, he I'm sure will love that you are thinking about him and wanting him while he is so far away.

He isn't a mind reader.
 
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1japancat is offline 1japancat Post #13  March 30,2008, 8:22pm
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Thanks you guys! I really needed some input badly. I'm woking on not "faking it." And I'm trying the whole showing him thing. Talking about this together hasn't seemed like the way to go, so thanks for telling me not to. He's leaving in a week and hopefully I can work on the whole letters thing then. We've always done letters and phone sex, but I'm going to try and tell him in more detail what I need. Oh and, I would wait until the end of time for him to return rather than cheat. Anyway, thanks everyone
 
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1japancat is offline 1japancat Post #14  March 30,2008, 8:51pm
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DianaInHouston,66654 wrote :
argytunes,66504 wrote :
1japancat, wrote :
I love this man, I am in love with him, and I don't want to be with anyone else; but he is bad in bed 70% of the time. I have read books and tried countless times to find a way to talk about this with him. The rest of our communication good, so what to do?We both grew up in very strict christian homes and sex was something you couldn't ever talk about. I'm past that but I still don't know how to talk to him about this without hurting him. We've been together 4+ years. Did I mention he a US Marine, that means he's gone on deployments (Iraq, Korea, etc.) 2/3 of the year, so when we do get to make love it seems so intense. So ho do you say "Actually it wasn't that good for me, could you try this instead?" I respond to his stimulation when it's good, but sometimes he doesn't even offer any, he just leaves it to me to get him going and myself going all at the same time. I have a strong libido, but it's dying because it's lacking good fuel. And to make matter worse I have committed the sin of "faking an orgasm" many times because I don't know what else to do.I feel lost, I don't know how to deal with this. I know I have let it go to long. Some good advice, particularly from men, would be much appreciated. 1japancatPS He's leaving in 10 days and won't be back for 9 months. Can I just let this go and we canstart over when he gets back?
1japancat...

I might be completely off-base here, but if the man is going to be away for 9 or 10 months...you're probably going to end up connecting with someone else?

Of course--that will make things incredibly AWKWARD when the marine returns?

Seems to me like you have 2 choices:

1. Play the role of aggressor and take control in the bedroom. This includes telling the marine that you need a lot of foreplay! You'll have to guide his hands along the areas of your body that need to be touched...and you'll probably have to do this SEVERAL TIMES before it sinks into his brain?

2. Compose a letter indicating that as much as you love the marine...your sexual needs AREN'T BEING MET! Explain in detail what you need...and then mail the letter. Ultimately, the marine will either show it to a close member of his squadron or bring the issue up for discussion. And it'll be the guys who will offer a few suggestions about pleasing you in bed!

argytunes
Argytunes, if this is HER man, she will not be out with anybody else while he is deployed. Most women I know would wait until the end of time to be with the man they love.

I agree about the letters. Send them to him as often as you can so that by the time he returns he will be looking forward to exactly what you describe to him! It will also give him something to think & dream about while he is gone.

I don't think that this is the time to use the words, "my sexual needs are not being met" as that will stick in his mind for months to comeand he will be worried about coming home to no girl. He is going to have so many things on his mind as it is... that just wouldn't be fair or safe!

Start taking charge in the bedroom. Most men love that anyways. Show him exactly how to please you. Let him watch you (if you know what I mean) to get a better idea. But, do NOT fake it! You are cheating not only him but yourself! He is getting his cues from you, after all.

I think you will be surprised at how open he will be to new things!
I felt likeI needed a mans input on this, but I have found the ladies to be just as insightful. Anyway, you're right I would wait until the end of time for him. Thanks for putting in your two cents, I really appreciate it.
 
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tallos05 is offline tallos05 Post #15  March 31,2008, 6:03am
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Ok i personaly have been with wemen like U.. U dont say a word in bed u just make sounds and expect him to know what that means.. TRY Saying somthing.. I cant tell u how much better the sex is when u BOTH talk.. say somthing any thing. "yes that's it" or "deeper" "right there" u get the idea. all it takes is 1 small word and he will do Exactly what u told him to. .. and YES what one of the prior post said is Right on.. U have it in your head that he is bad now... so your sex drive wich is IN YOUR HEAD!! is starting to turn off when u fo to bed with him.. Before u have any more BAD Bedroom moments, get yourself fixed. U need to start working yourself up before u ever go into the bedroom. Then after u have yourself as Hot and bothered as u can get youself with out actualy doing anything... take it to him... Dont let him take control in the bed room... HE IS A GUY .. HE will do ANYTHING U WANT HIM TO DO!! but cant do it if u dont tell him to .. TELL HIM!! exactly what u want, how u want it and where u want it, were to put his hands where to put his tounge what movements to make.. and if he cant do the right movements .. Push him down on the bed and use him as YOUR TOOL .. HE WILL NOT OBJECT!!!

look ladies the best thing and most insightful pice of advie i can give u about guys and Sex is simply TALK .. GET ON TOP .. AND Make all the noise u want. Guys want to please there partner... so tell us how.. every one of u are different u have different spots and what one of u liked ALOT another of u find a Compleate turn off.. TELL US WHAT U WANT AND HOW TO GIVE IT TO U!!! U WILL GET EXACTLY WHAT U WANT.. WHEN U TALK!!
 
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storyteller is offline storyteller Post #16  April 9,2008, 2:55pm
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Just marry him. Then you can say no 70% of the time and enjoy the other 30%. ;-)

I like the steamy letters idea. You have 9 months- or 7 or 8 months anyway. A series of letters that start "Last night I dreamt about you. You were...." You can't be held responsible for your dreams so it should be "safer" to relate your thoughts and wishes. Another that says "I can hardly wait until I see you again so that I can feel you....." Then when you are together again pick the moment, perhaps as you first begin to say, "Remember that time I wrote you that...... Let's try that."

If he isn't doing anything then maybe he is a little selfish. Or maybe the way you act makes him think you are getting the wind up you need.

And at some point you might have to broach the religious/sexual thing. If you aren't married and he still considers this "sinning" it might really inhibit how actively he participates.



Good luck.
 
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slfox is offline slfox Post #17  April 9,2008, 3:54pm
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Run really fast! Some men never function and you are not responsible to fix it.
 
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SweetKatieA is offline SweetKatieA Post #18  April 9,2008, 4:07pm
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Even if you're uncomfortable with talking about sex... this is really bringing you down. Would you rather lose someone you love or get out of your comfort zone and really enjoy being with your man? Try some games like "What's your fantasy?" "Tell me what you want me to do to you" and then... it's your turn. If you can't talk about it at first do what everyone else is saying and SHOW him. Or he can watch you please yourself. That's totally a turn on for guys. I'm sure he'll appreciate the effort and really get turned on and you guys cannot only have a fabulous relationship but fabulous sex which is REALLY important in a relationship. Good luck!!
 
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PersianKitten is offline PersianKitten Post #19  April 9,2008, 4:37pm
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1japancat, wrote :
I love this man, I am in love with him, and I don't want to be with anyone else; but he is bad in bed 70% of the time. I have read books and tried countless times to find a way to talk about this with him. The rest of our communication good, so what to do?We both grew up in very strict christian homes and sex was something you couldn't ever talk about. I'm past that but I still don't know how to talk to him about this without hurting him. We've been together 4+ years. Did I mention he a US Marine, that means he's gone on deployments (Iraq, Korea, etc.) 2/3 of the year, so when we do get to make love it seems so intense. So ho do you say "Actually it wasn't that good for me, could you try this instead?" I respond to his stimulation when it's good, but sometimes he doesn't even offer any, he just leaves it to me to get him going and myself going all at the same time. I have a strong libido, but it's dying because it's lacking good fuel. And to make matter worse I have committed the sin of "faking an orgasm" many times because I don't know what else to do.I feel lost, I don't know how to deal with this. I know I have let it go to long. Some good advice, particularly from men, would be much appreciated. 1japancatPS He's leaving in 10 days and won't be back for 9 months. Can I just let this go and we canstart over when he gets back?
Without meaning to sound mean if you have tried everything including trying to explain and show him while movig his hands to what feels good and how to arouse you and going to councelling..

What I ahve learned from men (and I am not a kid I am 39 years old) is ( without meaning to generalise).. MOST men do not care about their females countterpart when it comes to sex. If they are in love than they realy do care and try to please.. but most men on theare more interested in their own pleasure when it comes to sex ( no!! I am not a lesbian). He may care about you but does he realy love you????

Could it be that you are MORE into this relationship than he is?? maybe he likes you but is NOT in love??!! , cause if he doesnt take the time to understand whats wrong or trying to please you.. he isn't into you as much as you are into pleasing him. But than only you klnow the answer to this question and sometimes we have to realy look deep even if it hurts, cut our loses and RUNNNNNN.. unless your relationship is more open and you can take what's good for you from him and take other things from another "special" friend. Life does not need to be black and white and if there is understanding between the couple they needn't be "STUCK" unhappily in this sort of situation if there are other alternatives!!

I hope that this gets sort out for you fairly quickly.. because it is a damn shame and a damn waste to bge in a relationship that is unsatisfying and let me tell you that girls usually gets stuck in this rut more than guys.. bec ause we think that ss long as he is happy and keeps loving us or caring for us we will do anything even gets srtuck years in an unhappy unfulfilling things. Once he returns and if he is going to live with yoiu you will feel extremely frustrated and resentful because there might be a normalcy of living together but not the normalcy of sexual pleasure and intimacy. YOU NEED IT just like any man needs it and you DESERVE to haveit, so think very carefully if you want tobe stuck for years and than you may start to cheat eventually because you need it... Better sometimes to cut out loses and run!!!!!!!!!
 
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supraxlr8 is offline supraxlr8 Post #20  April 9,2008, 5:15pm
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1japancat, wrote :
I love this man, I am in love with him, and I don't want to be with anyone else; but he is bad in bed 70% of the time. I have read books and tried countless times to find a way to talk about this with him. The rest of our communication good, so what to do?We both grew up in very strict christian homes and sex was something you couldn't ever talk about. I'm past that but I still don't know how to talk to him about this without hurting him. We've been together 4+ years. Did I mention he a US Marine, that means he's gone on deployments (Iraq, Korea, etc.) 2/3 of the year, so when we do get to make love it seems so intense. So ho do you say "Actually it wasn't that good for me, could you try this instead?" I respond to his stimulation when it's good, but sometimes he doesn't even offer any, he just leaves it to me to get him going and myself going all at the same time. I have a strong libido, but it's dying because it's lacking good fuel. And to make matter worse I have committed the sin of "faking an orgasm" many times because I don't know what else to do.I feel lost, I don't know how to deal with this. I know I have let it go to long. Some good advice, particularly from men, would be much appreciated. 1japancatPS He's leaving in 10 days and won't be back for 9 months. Can I just let this go and we canstart over when he gets back?
If you pretend its great and fake it how should he know any different? Speak and tell him what you want. Simple. And please ignore the one woman's suggestions to be an agressor or write a letter...both incredibly lame ideas.
 
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