beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #1  December 24,2010, 12:19pm
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Every time a guy talks about what he and his friends do, I am not sure how to respond about my "friends". I have always been shy and it has been hard to make friends. For a while I was just friends with boyfriends friends, but after the breakups the friends would stop talking to me. Then for a while I had a lot of male friends until they realized I wasn't interested in dating them and so they stopped talking to me. As for female friends, I hate to say it, but they don't like me because I do attract attention from men. They tend to see me as a threat even though I would never go after someone elses guy. I have even had "friends" lie and tell other people I couldn't hang out because I was busy, but really they never asked me to go.

I feel like guys will think I am weird because I struggle with having friends. Girls are threated and guys usually want more than friendship. I feel like I don't have a full life because I never really go out and have much fun. I do a lot of things with my life overall, but not so much on a daily or weekly basis. It is embarrassing when guys ask what I do for fun, and I don't really have an answer.

How can I make friends more easily? I don't even know where to begin.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  December 24,2010, 2:52pm
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I hope you do find out how to make friends, as they make life so much deeper, better, and more fun.

The one thing that jumped out at me in your post was that women don't want to be friends with you because you attract attention from men.

I've had several female friends who were highly attractive to many men. That didn't stop them from having female friends.

Is it possible you're mistaken about why you have trouble making friends with women?

Just food for thought, could be way off base ... but that part of your post didn't make sense to me.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #3  December 24,2010, 3:13pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
I hope you do find out how to make friends, as they make life so much deeper, better, and more fun.

The one thing that jumped out at me in your post was that women don't want to be friends with you because you attract attention from men.

I've had several female friends who were highly attractive to many men. That didn't stop them from having female friends.

Is it possible you're mistaken about why you have trouble making friends with women?

Just food for thought, could be way off base ... but that part of your post didn't make sense to me.
This is a great point from Sassy. The joke at work with the girls I go out with is that 'if you want guys to buy you drinks, take Red!'. The fact that I get attention from men in no way affects my female friendships. You should do some looking at your relationships with women and see if there is a common factor that keeps 'friendships' from actually forming.
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #4  December 24,2010, 3:30pm
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That is a very good point. My sister is very attractive and has a lot of female friends. However, I have experienced trouble with this on numerous occasions, so I am not ruling it out. The first time I kissed a boy, I lost several female friends (this was at age 16). I lost more in the years after this with dating and getting boyfriends. My "best friend" would tell guys I wasn't interested in them or couldn't hang out because she didn't want me getting the attention.

I think another reason though is I have a tendency of letting people walk all over me. I try to be nice, don't judge or talk about people, etc but I guess that makes me too nice. I lost one friend because I told her her bf was cheating on her with my room mate but she didn't believe me. Now a few years later she did message me to apologize because he finally confessed to everything he did to her.

Maybe I am just unlucky. I do get along better with guys, but they seem to want to be friends until the realize nothing more will happen. At the beginning of my single-hood this year, I had several groups of male friends. After a few weeks or so, they all eventually vanished. I really don't know what to do about it.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #5  December 24,2010, 6:34pm
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beccaf87 wrote :
Every time a guy talks about what he and his friends do, I am not sure how to respond about my "friends". I have always been shy and it has been hard to make friends.

I feel like guys will think I am weird because I struggle with having friends. It is embarrassing when guys ask what I do for fun, and I don't really have an answer.

How can I make friends more easily? I don't even know where to begin.
The best way to make friends is to be a good friend. Think about how you would want a friend to treat you, and offer that to someone else. You say you are often "too nice" in the things you do and say. Do you do these things sincerely? Or do you do them because you feel you "should", whether you mean them or not? People can tell the difference, and it can be off-putting if they sense you do not really mean them sincerely.

Finally, don't worry so much about what other people will think. Surely you don't stay home all the time never talking to anyone? Think of work friends, or school friends, people you see and interact with every day - those count, too.
I have felt like you a lot of the time, thinking guys will think that it's weird that I don't go out with or see my friends that often. But, it's different in your late 30's/early 40's. I am really the only single person in our group, and everyone has busy jobs and lives and families. We sometimes only manage to get together in a group a few times a year, but when we do, we talk and laugh and reminisce about all the times we used to go out!
If you don't make a big deal about it, the guys probably won't, either. I don't think they want a run-down of the last time you went out with the girls anyway, they just want to get an idea of what you do for fun.
 
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MrSmileyMan is offline MrSmileyMan Post #6  December 25,2010, 12:35am
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Now I'm curious - What DO you like to do for fun? I would imagine you have hobbies that either do or could potentially get you out meeting more people and establishing friendships.
 
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MileHighArtist is offline MileHighArtist Post #7  December 25,2010, 4:04am
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If you have any hobbies check online for clubs in your area that are based on them. Join a book club. Take a workshop or class on a topic you are interested in.

It's not easy, I can relate to some of what you are saying about lack of friends. I am trying the same thing, and the best advice is to just try it and go in with a positive attitude. Don't go in thinking you ''have'' to meet a new friend each time - just be open to the experience of the club/class etc. Sometimes just being around other people with common interests can help and it isn't necessary to hang out with everyone you meet.

Good luck!
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #8  December 25,2010, 4:59am

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Becca:

if you had friends that are threatened by your success with men, then you are not picking the right women to be friends with- i.e. don't make friends with the ugly girls so you stand out more. don't bring home strays- your friends should be your equal, just like a dating partner.

pick your friends according to activity. if you are looking for friends to bar hop and man hunt with, they don't have to be single. married women make the best wingmen.

my friends are my friends because they are a lot like me. they aren't threatened or jealous or petty drama type girls.

as far as where to find them- what are your hobbies? it's just like dating- be nice, be available, eventually, exchange numbers. then, be a good friend. that's the best way.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #9  December 25,2010, 9:37am
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you say your sister is very attractive? as if to discount yourself?

I think you lack self confidence and you shouldn't - take note of the nice things people say about you. Ignore the shallow men who disappear - they aren't true friends.

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...or-guys-4.html (Out of league? Question for the guys)

You're young, look great. Don't ever let anything or anyone make you think you're anything other than very attractive yourself and one of your many qualities is you're genuine.


my best friends have come from people I work with. Also if you have a dog - taking it to the local parks was a great way of meeting people.

The only problem I have now is making friends with men, there's a worry for me that they may think I'm gay if I chat to a stranger in a pub. I have loads of Female friends and I would recommend you have male friends as they are great for their view points. Also, you may find it easier to make friends with men who don't fancy you - whether that be because they are gay or just not into you?

I view having female friends as being easy to handle. I can get dates/sex a lot easier than a true loyal long term friend therefore I value finding a friend massively and would cope fine being friends with a girl I fancy. Those men you had as friends need to realise - friendship is more valuable than dates/sex etc.
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; December 25,2010 at 9:48am.
 
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Sparkles56 is offline Sparkles56 Post #10  December 25,2010, 10:37am
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I'll agree with the folks who suggest to find something to do that interests you, and that involves people.

When my wife passed away earlier this year, I had no clue what to do. I didn't know anyone, aside from my wife's family, in this town... it was very lonely here.

I found out that some people were organizing a group to go "ghost hunting" - kind of like the TAPS show you see on TV. I decided to hang out with them and see what they're all about. And ya know what? I found out that I had a lot more in common with them than I would have thought. They introduced me to their friends, and their friends had more friends...

And for the most part they're all married.
 
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