That elusive "chemistry"


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YellowUmbrella is offline YellowUmbrella Post #1  October 16,2010, 6:58pm
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I've noticed on several threads the discussion of meeting with matches that were great in conversation with good profiles, and attractive pictures... but upon meeting... no "spark".

I just had one of these dates myself. I'm actually a little bummed I didn't feel something but of course, its date 1. Way too soon to tell. There are definitely guys I feel instant attraction for, and there are some where I become more attracted over time. There are also those that I never stop feeling "platonic" for. I wish it was something I could understand better because it's frustrating to have a great match in so many ways, but to feel nothing. I almost wish I could convince myself "feel attraction for this guy. go".

Thoughts? Any idea what causes attraction? Gals, do you have certain things that consistently trip off a spark with you? Or is it just darn elusive and impossible to figure out?
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #2  October 16,2010, 7:05pm
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YellowUmbrella wrote :
Or is it just darn elusive and impossible to figure out?
pretty much that is it..


imo chemisty can never be canned or reproduced, people are different, so what you feel for each person is different.
 
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my5cents is offline my5cents Post #3  October 16,2010, 7:11pm
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I agree with TrekRyder10, it is elusive that darn chemistry. I went on a few dates with a guy who had pretty much everything I look for in a man. On paper it should have been a "match" and I thought he was really cute too. It's just that I didn't feel that spark in person, nor did I feel like our conversations flowed really. They weren't bad conversations by any means, in fact some were good. It was just a bit blah where I didn't feel like he was really comfortable being himself, which then hindered me from really being myself. Trust me there were times in my head where I was saying to myself, "Why am I not feeling anything?!?" You just can't force it. It's either there or it's not. I would give it a couple of times to see if it can grow, but if within a number of dates you don't feel it then it's best to let it go.
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #4  October 18,2010, 1:47pm
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I'm actually interested in hearing from other men on this---maybe I'm just cold and analytical, but with me, it's always been basically a process of: (1) this woman is physically attractive to me + (2) we're close enough in intelligence that it probably won't be a problem + (3) no obvious problematic lifestye differences + (4) seems pretty nice so far = I want to date her.

I've never felt some kind of "magic spark" for anyone, even women I became really strongly interested in ... Anyone I didn't want to keep seeing, I always felt like there was something definitive (ex. she was kind of unhappy and rude-seeming, or she said a couple of rather weird, neurotic-seeming things, etc.) .... I never really understood the ineffableness of this "spark" everyone talks about, so I don't know if it's a personality thing or a gender thing or even a "you just haven't met the right person" thing.

EDIT: Because of that, it kind of makes me frustrated sometimes when women are like---"I like everything about you, I just don't feel that spark." I know you can't will yourself to feel something. But then I wonder---what are we all really looking for? Something that really exists? Something that is actually bad for us when it does exist?
Last edited by FaintestInkling; October 18,2010 at 1:49pm.
 
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ISearch4Love is offline ISearch4Love Post #5  October 18,2010, 2:10pm
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I think chemistry can grow over time.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #6  October 18,2010, 2:43pm

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YellowUmbrella wrote :
I've noticed on several threads the discussion of meeting with matches that were great in conversation with good profiles, and attractive pictures... but upon meeting... no "spark".

I just had one of these dates myself. I'm actually a little bummed I didn't feel something but of course, its date 1. Way too soon to tell. There are definitely guys I feel instant attraction for, and there are some where I become more attracted over time. There are also those that I never stop feeling "platonic" for. I wish it was something I could understand better because it's frustrating to have a great match in so many ways, but to feel nothing. I almost wish I could convince myself "feel attraction for this guy. go".

Thoughts? Any idea what causes attraction? Gals, do you have certain things that consistently trip off a spark with you? Or is it just darn elusive and impossible to figure out?
Chemistry is not elusive. If she's halfway decent, I'd say three beers and a couple shots of Patron would create lots of sparks!!
Last edited by PY_2; October 18,2010 at 2:44pm. Reason: If I pulled my hair everytime I think how frustrating chemistry is, my head will look like Jayjay LOL!
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #7  October 18,2010, 2:44pm
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FaintestInkling wrote :
I'm actually interested in hearing from other men on this---maybe I'm just cold and analytical, but with me, it's always been basically a process of: (1) this woman is physically attractive to me + (2) we're close enough in intelligence that it probably won't be a problem + (3) no obvious problematic lifestye differences + (4) seems pretty nice so far = I want to date her.

I've never felt some kind of "magic spark" for anyone, even women I became really strongly interested in ... Anyone I didn't want to keep seeing, I always felt like there was something definitive (ex. she was kind of unhappy and rude-seeming, or she said a couple of rather weird, neurotic-seeming things, etc.) .... I never really understood the ineffableness of this "spark" everyone talks about, so I don't know if it's a personality thing or a gender thing or even a "you just haven't met the right person" thing.

EDIT: Because of that, it kind of makes me frustrated sometimes when women are like---"I like everything about you, I just don't feel that spark." I know you can't will yourself to feel something. But then I wonder---what are we all really looking for? Something that really exists? Something that is actually bad for us when it does exist?
I agree with IS4L that chemistry can grow over time. The only reason the initial "spark" of chemistry is valued over the "slow-growing" type is because the spark feels stronger. It feels stronger because it's sudden, like stepping out of a warm house into a winter wind, instead of like someone slowly turning up the AC.

I date with the same 1+2+3+4 that you do, FaintestInkling, but I have felt the spark before, too. The spark does help. I just don't think it's essential. What's essential is that a guy & I can hold a conversation, understand where each other is coming from, get the same humor, hold the same values, etc.

However, when people say, "No chemistry/no spark," sometimes they're trying to say other things, really: I'm not physically attracted to you, I don't think we really have the same values, etc. Chemistry/sparks is just a catch-all phrase, to some people.
 
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cal_dude is offline cal_dude Post #8  October 18,2010, 3:11pm
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Immediate and/or strong sparks are relatively low on my priority list. However, many women feel the strong need to have them in the first few minutes or even seconds. Thanks, Hollywood! I can feel it in my dates now if they are after immediate sparks or a strong compatibility with a growing chemistry. The first kind is no longer my type in a long-term sense.
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #9  October 18,2010, 3:22pm
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cal_dude wrote :
Immediate and/or strong sparks are relatively low on my priority list. However, many women feel the strong need to have them in the first few minutes or even seconds. Thanks, Hollywood!
Yeah, I feel like I should be paying someone to launch fireworks upon arriving to meet a date for the first time.

I fall soundly into the chemistry can develop even if it is not there in the first nanosecond camp. I do still try to make a good first impression though.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #10  October 18,2010, 3:22pm
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If there is no spark and there is time and opportunity to let the relationship grow slowly, then the chemistry may happen over time.

If there is no spark but there are restrictions on meeting for any reason, then the chemistry doesn't have much chance to work.
 
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