ammym is offline ammym Post #1  January 9,2008, 10:04am
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I have been receiving matches for about a month and have closed over more than 200 matches but only gone into open communication with a handful of them. When I see a picture of someone that I am not physically attracted to I will close it. There have been a few that the attraction was not necessarily there but more so than others so I have kept them open and made my decision later to close it. I do not want to be shallow but physical attraction is something that is important to me. I realize that there is so much more that should be important in a lasting relationship but should I contintue to talk to someone that I am not attracted to in hopes that I will become more attracted later?
 
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Boss Lady is offline Boss Lady Post #2  January 10,2008, 1:51am
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I definitly think attraction is the start of gettting to know someone unless you meet otherwise. You obviously need to like what you see "first" and hope that the mental matches "after". I don't think you're being shallow in this case.

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Leanna is offline Leanna Post #3  January 10,2008, 7:18pm
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I was accused of being shallow by a match recently. It didn't have anything to do with looks. He was actually good looking and I thought there was some attraction. I invited him on a first date to a place that I knew would have lots of friends. This is a place where I go because I’m into ballroom dancing and most of the people there are dancers, but there were enough people who just come to watch and socialize that I felt he would be comfortable. I had told him I was interested in dating a man who would like to learn to dance so we could share that interest. We talked cordially and I danced some but he seemed too eager to get into the physical side of things. He kept saying things like, “I’d love to hug on you, doll.” A slow song came and he asked me to dance. He held me too tightly and I felt very uncomfortable. I think he danced only to hug me and was hoping that was enough to appease me and that I would be willing to move on. He showed no interest in learning to dance as I wanted to. He wrote me a thank you email saying how much he loved meeting me and that there were more things in life than dancing. I wrote back a thank you and agreed and said that I did like to do other things but dance was extremely important to me and since it was very unimportant to him I felt it would be wrong for me to waste his time on pursuing this relationship. He wrote back saying I was shallow to judge a man on just his dancing ability. I was shocked. I had not done that at all. I was trying to be honest and not lead him on.
 
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jennif01 is offline jennif01 Post #4  January 11,2008, 4:11pm
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Nope, not shallow at all. You have to do what's best for you and not let anyone else make you feel bad about it.
 
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carolynsbend is offline carolynsbend Post #5  January 11,2008, 4:55pm
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I am into health and fitness. It is important to me that my partner be involved in this too. It has nothing to do with looks or shallowness. The main reason being that I don't want them to feel guilty if they don't exercise and watch their weight because that is exactly what happens. The first thing they say is how they feel bad that they are not as physically fit and that makes me feel uncomfortable. Basically I feel better when I exercise and don't eat bad foods. It is my lifestyle and in this case it is easier on everyone to be with someone that fits your lifestyle than someone who doesn't.
 
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robynintexas is offline robynintexas Post #6  January 11,2008, 8:59pm
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I don't think it's shallow either. I have gotten some matches that were ... well, not at all attractive. I'm pretty flexible and open minded. My litmus test is, "gosh this guy seems nice but could I really kiss him?" If the answer is no, then I don't see any reason to kid him or kid myself.
 
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Tis-I is offline Tis-I Post #7  January 11,2008, 10:37pm
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Who am I to say what's shallow about someone else?!

If looks are an important part; for you, of being interested and moving forward then perhaps you should be applauded for having the courage to state that fact despite the risk that others may judge it as shallow. Likewise, if dance is a huge part of your life it's understandable you'd like to share it with your future partner.

Only you know what's in your heart and how important a role each element that comprises a relationship is, in creating a successful partnership which can weather the tides of life.

That said, if there's potential in other areas that matter to you it can be wise to open the door to possibilities. That way you don't run the risk of missing someone who may have been fabulous on every other level. Why do I say that when something important is not where you need it to be? Experience has taught me that we sometimes tend to adjust our position or broaden our perspective on certain matters as life; and the people we share it with, enlightens us and our comfort level grows.

In terms of being shallow - I believe that's a self-assessment for us to undertake regularly. It's not a judgement for us to make about others as we don not know or understand all the driving forces motivating them. It is not unusual however, for someone feeling rejected to use a statement such as 'you're shallow'.

My approach to the whole 'you're shallow' accusation would be to try and take it with a grain of salt - realising that they may not understand your perspective and are probably hurting to some degree.

Rest assured in the knowledge that you're making choices in good conscience with integrity and the focus of building something real. That's a darn good thing so smile, find the lesson, and expect the best! May your heart dance with joy.
 
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naida is offline naida Post #8  January 12,2008, 1:47am
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LEANNA: Just the fact that you seem to be almost apologetic for choosing not to go out with this match after this date, tells me that you are not shallow at all. His telling you that you are shallow was just his way of attacking you because things did not go his way. He is not only shallow, but selfish. I perceive that you are feeling guilty, but don’t. You seem to be a better person than he is.
 
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BILLGOLF is offline BILLGOLF Post #9  January 12,2008, 3:31am
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LEANNA, It not often a guy gets to call a gal shallow. He just wanted to get the last word in since he felt rejected. You can do much better than this bozo, Best of luck, Bill
 
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lifeisajourney is offline lifeisajourney Post #10  January 12,2008, 5:32am
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I don't think you're being shallow just honest...but be careful you could miss out on a very compatiable person if you judge by photo alone. I met a really nice guy who had not posted his photo so in turn he could not see my photo. We talked on the phone for a week or so and finally decided to meet. I enjoyed talking to him and we had a lot in common. We hit it off and have been dating for 6 months. But if I would have made a quick judgement by his photo, I probably would not have pursued the relationship further.
 
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