How Elusive is Chemistry?


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Avalon1k is offline Avalon1k Post #11  August 8,2010, 1:26am
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I live for little moments when she steals my heart again...

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I think chemistry is a combination of physical attraction and connecting with the other person. I totally agree with Daf that you have to approach dating (or meeting others) in an open way or it won't happen. Daf you are right on....look at each date as an adventure and have fun!
 
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CalalumniMD is offline CalalumniMD Post #12  August 8,2010, 6:51am
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I had no chemistry with my deceased husband. We were platonic friends for 9 months. One day, I looked at him differently. Later, I proposed and we were married for over 25 years!

I had chemistry recently on a first date. He later asked me how I felt about open marriage! I kid you not (I prefer not to have an open marriage). In retrospect, he was handsome, fashionably dressed and truly charismatic. Our value systems were polar opposites.

Chemistry cannot be defined by just one trait; it is truly so many things on a conscious and subconscious levels. I prefer to call it a connection. If on a first date, I absolutely do not feel a connection, I do not want to know this man more, I simply do not go out again with him

This actually happen to me with a man I dated once. He was handsome, very nice, however neither one of us felt a connection and did not contact one another for a date again. Now we are connected on LinkedIn .

What can I say? You can't predict it. As my married colleague has widely advised me, in dating do not have expectations. Anything can happen.Be in the moment, listen to and follow your gut, and hopefully have some fun.
 
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winn is offline winn Post #13  August 8,2010, 12:42pm

Please tell me where I can find a normal man???

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Chemistry is very much when someone "gets' you as one of the other posters said. It's definitely not just a physical attraction because there are many people i may be physically attracted to but know that i will never have chemistry with because we're not intune emotionally and intellectually. And, yes, for me a great sense of humour makes a huge difference as well as keeping yourself open to possibilities.
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #14  August 9,2010, 12:24pm
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chimerical wrote :
I've currently got a very small handful of friends who I "click" with (and only one within a few hundred miles!), and I've only felt this way once with a guy.
Oops! I mean to say, only once with a guy who I was romantically involved with. My friend Andy would be appalled to read that. (Of course, being gay, maybe he's used to it... most of his friends--gay themselves--use the playful appellation "girls" to describe themselves far more than they do "guys"!)
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #15  August 9,2010, 12:27pm
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But yes, chemistry is very important to me... whether it happens on a first date, or years after I've met someone. And I do think it can happen later, when you learn more about someone, get some insight, and share more deeply. But either way, I think it's pretty vital for a strong relationship--feeling like he "gets" me...
 
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DancingFool is online now DancingFool Post #16  August 9,2010, 12:50pm
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To me chemistry is crucial to a relationship, however it is extraordinarily elusive. There are very very few people out there that I've felt that kind of chemistry with.
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #17  August 9,2010, 12:58pm
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Ack. I am right here now grappling with chemistry. It is not about looks. My exes looked very different. It is about attraction. I have only felt truly attracted to one or two people since starting the online dating thing in January. At this point, I've had about 10 first meets, and no second dates. Sigh.

I do think that attraction can grow over time if you let it. But there has to be an ember there in the start. On dates, I want to know that this person challenges my mind, as well as feel the ember of a desire to explore them physically.

It feels like such an elusive combination. I had chemistry with my late husband immediately. Our first conversation was an argument about politics. Our second date was a dance club. A few weeks later we were engaged. My ex bf, was totally different. Although we met on EH, we dated platonically for about 2 months. We were both kinda cautious but once we were together, we dated for 2 years.
Last edited by 2clueless; August 9,2010 at 1:13pm.
 
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linusakachris is offline linusakachris Post #18  August 13,2010, 8:12am
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Define chemistry.

Clicking is not the only way to talk about chemistry. I usually see chemistry as also involving conflict resolution and communication. Even long-term/life goals. The whole package. (Other friends talk about 'getting sense of humor.') I've gone on lots of single to multiple dates with various different types of people from seminarians/seminary grads to physicians to therapists to nurses to teachers to various other vocations, and I hear especially from married couples that there's a progression from (while dating) "we're so alike" to (somewhere engagement to marriage) "we're somewhat different" to "What happened?! We're soooo different!" (there's a world of difference between men and women)
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #19  August 13,2010, 2:19pm

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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linusakachris wrote :
Define chemistry.
Ok.

It's the feeling that your life would be better with this person in it. You want to be near them and you want them to be permanently accessible to you.

So it's pretty rare and not always instantly obvious.

Lovely when it happens though.

[sighs nostalgically]
 
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