littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #1  July 25,2010, 6:30pm
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There are a lot of claims to open-mindedness. What I generally observe is that this means people are open-minded to those whose outlooks and opinions agree with theirs.

But how open-minded are you if you find that your circle of friends are all the same, with the same ideas and lifestyles that you simply validate in one another?

I’ve been thinking about this lately in particular because a Hindu friend of mine is approaching her arranged marriage. I attended a get-together of some of her female friends (bridal showers are not traditional, from what I understand). As the only non-Indian woman in the mix, I feel like I have an interesting window into a culture that is vastly different from mine. Some of the things I hear force me to consider my words carefully. I won’t go into details, but suffice to say that Indian women, both married and single, who are even remotely traditional, seem to be under a great deal more scrutiny in their behavior than Western women.

It’s easy to fall into thinking that their ways are wrong, antiquated, or unfair. And my personal belief is that some of them are. But I also strongly believe that it isn’t my place to deride or criticize what I haven’t had to live or to encourage actions the consequences of which I don’t have to suffer.

So I sit quietly most of the time and listen – or ask questions when there’s something I don’t understand.

I have friends and family who are deeply religious. I am not. At all. We still manage to love one another for the most part, though sometimes with some practiced silence on both sides. Same with politics. Most of my family are outspoken conservatives. I am liberal, leaning toward moderate. Again, this doesn’t seem to hinder our caring about one another as long as either mutual respect or healthy boundaries are practiced.

This led me to thinking about dating and how most people seem to want someone who is a mirror image of themselves. All the dealbreakers and dealmakers we talk about. Is it really necessary that all beliefs be shared? Is it simply that it seems life will be easier with someone who agrees with us on most things?

Could you live with someone whose religious or spiritual beliefs were different from your own as long as basic values were shared? Would you be comfortable with someone who disagreed with you on politics or social issues? Can you listen to a difference in belief or philosophy that might, in your mind, trigger the thought, “That’s stupid.” and still treat the speaker with respect? Is there not some value in inviting people into your life who might not agree with you all the time even on major issues?

Do you value open-mindedness and are you open-minded enough to treat with value those who don’t or do you only respect those whose thinking aligns with your own?

Just thinking out loud here…feel free to join in.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; July 25,2010 at 6:33pm.
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #2  July 25,2010, 7:18pm
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
This led me to thinking about dating and how most people seem to want someone who is a mirror image of themselves. All the dealbreakers and dealmakers we talk about. Is it really necessary that all beliefs be shared? Is it simply that it seems life will be easier with someone who agrees with us on most things?

Could you live with someone whose religious or spiritual beliefs were different from your own as long as basic values were shared? Would you be comfortable with someone who disagreed with you on politics or social issues? Can you listen to a difference in belief or philosophy that might, in your mind, trigger the thought, “That’s stupid.” and still treat the speaker with respect? Is there not some value in inviting people into your life who might not agree with you all the time even on major issues?

Do you value open-mindedness and are you open-minded enough to treat with value those who don’t or do you only respect those whose thinking aligns with your own?

Just thinking out loud here…feel free to join in.
Personally, I feel like there is a difference between having friends/acquaintances with very different philosophies and having a mate with these different philosophies. I have friends across the spectrum (in terms of politics, religion, class, and culture), and I appreciate their different viewpoints and truly enjoy conversing with them. However, it does make life easier if your mate is like you in certain regards. (And they find that it therefore makes divorce less likely, as well.)

My politics and stances on social issues reflect my personal philosophy and values. Some politics can be set aside (especially if your mate is equally open-minded and respectful about differences in opinion), but some, to me, cannot.

And finally--in my first real relationship, I discovered that it was important to me to be able to speak my mind about something I'm passionate about and have the person closest to me back me up. When I feel outraged about something I see as a colossal injustice, it's frustrating to have my partner dismiss the incident as nothing. Arguing about the particulars of something is one thing; arguing about the heart of the matter is another.

I guess, to me, open-mindedness is important, but you can't be open-minded about everything. I'm not "open" to the idea of genocide, for instance, and I don't think that I should be. But I do, generally, still consider myself to be very open-minded.
Last edited by chimerical; July 25,2010 at 8:02pm. Reason: typo
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #3  July 25,2010, 7:27pm
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What a wonderful post, LBMM-and what a wonderful and enlightening experience for you to share with us.

I just moved from a neighborhood where I lived for 35 years. About 5 years ago, a subdivision was built around me...I was the last hold out, with an acre of land in the middle of McMansion Heaven.

Almost all of my new neighbors were from other than the western typical suburban cultures. I had a sikh couple, 2 Hindu couples, a large family from Nepal, several different Asian countries, one hispanic family a family from Israel and one from Saudi Arabia and so on as neighbors.

Their first 4th of July in the neighborhood, just a few months after my husbands death, I decided to organize a block party-everyone brought food native to their culture and we set up on my huge lawn, a slip and slide for the kids, a boom box with CD's from Bollywood to John Philip Sousa to Ranchero party music. We had hummus and tacos, pad thai and chicken tikka, and hot dogs and potato salad too.

We all decided to have a moving dinner party every month and for most of the past 5 years, have done so, they have shared holidays with me and I have shared holidays with them .

Now I live with my daughter, just 5 miles away, and we are demoing a lot that old house in prep for a new addition and remod. But I got a call from my neighbors reminding me that next friday is the dinner and asking me to bring my daughter and family-daughters family is going to be living in that old house if it ever gets done.

I have learned so much from this large group of neighbors, have babysat children who don't speak much english, have spent time sitting with a dieing Hindu woman while her family made arrangements for her, sat shiva with an Israeli couple, been to several baby showers and a plethora of birthday parties, and had an easter egg roll on my lawn in which everyone participated-it was a celebration of spring, not of a religious nature.

I love being part of other cultures and have, on occasion, even gone to dinner with Uncle Saul when he came to visit.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #4  July 25,2010, 7:46pm
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Thanks, Chimerical for your post. I agree that there are some things it is best not to be open-minded about.

Roxy, your story really made my day. This is what I love - the coming together of different ideas and backgrounds and perspectives in a way that honors everyone. I bet your old neighbors really miss you.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; July 25,2010 at 7:47pm. Reason: And you made us all bold again...as if we weren't bold enough! LOL.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #5  July 25,2010, 8:00pm
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In 2002 I moved to Houston TX from a town of 27,000 in North Alabama. My daughter was 12 yrs. old, shy, had attended the same school and the same dance studio with the same girls since she was 5, fairly sheltered. We moved to a city with 4 million people that we didn't know, and in my eagerness to place her in a school with a great dance program, I didn't do a lot of other research. At the parent orientation I discovered that I was the only white parent in attendance. When we got home that evening I asked KT if she was comfortable being the only causasian child in her grade. She said she wanted to give it a shot.
In a school that was 60% African-American and 40% Hispanic, my shy, painfully white daughter became a cheerleader, president of the National Junior Honor Society and 3rd runner-up on the homecoming court. As a college student now, her friends are a beautifully mixed bag of races and nationalities and orientations - parties at our place look like the Jolie-Pitt clan!

We went home to AL for Thanksgiving, and she saw some old school chums. They mentioned that they didn't watch 'Glee' because it had 'that gay boy' on it. KT's mouth dropped.
On the plane she thanked me for bringing her up to be open-minded and accepting, and to have avoided so many of the narrow-minded ideas that were prevalent back home.

I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone who didn't share the same tolerance, and the eagerness to learn and discover that is such a part of my life.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #6  July 25,2010, 8:01pm
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Great, positive thread, LBMM.
 
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DashMN is offline DashMN Post #7  July 25,2010, 8:59pm
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Open-mindedness is more than just acceptance of others who are different than ourselves. I think it also means not jumping to conclusions about people.
 
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singinggirl is online now singinggirl Post #8  July 25,2010, 9:09pm
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What a great topic, LBMM!

I moved from a small town of about 2000 people about 3 yrs ago to a metropolitan area. Since that time, I have come to realize how close-minded I was about many things. That realization has allowed me to open myself to new experiences and become more open-minded. It has also made me painfully aware of just how close-minded many members of my family are.

In my previous home, most of the people I knew (which was almost everyone) were just like me. Similar background, ethnicity, religious beliefs, political beliefs, even similar incomes. In my new home, I have made friends from other countries, friends who have very different religious beliefs, different lifestyles. I dated a man who had political beliefs that were almost exactly the opposite of mine. These new experiences have enriched my life in ways that I could never have imagined. I am so glad for the new experiences I've had. There are still things that I know I'm not open to, but isn't that true for all of us?

I think it is good and healthy to have friendships and relationships with people who are different and to be open-minded. It's amazing the things you can learn when you allow yourself to be open to possibilities. However, I think in a romantic relationship, there needs to be more 'likes' than 'differences'. As I said, I had a relatively serious relationship with a man who had extremely different political views than me. He is one of my best friends now, but we could never have managed a long-term romantic relationship.

I love that my boyfriend and I think similarly about many things, but I love, too, that we can disagree about some things without it breaking us. Still, at the end of the day, I want to know that the person that I could potentially spend the rest of my life with has similar views and beliefs as mine.
 
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Wootz is offline Wootz Post #9  July 25,2010, 9:40pm
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Good question, and several great replies. Y'all are good people, and I'm glad to read these stories you've shared. *grin*

Me, I’m probably a bit more open-minded than I used to be. I once had a mind like a steel trap. Nothing got out, nothing got in, either. I knew it all, and the rest of the world could just go soak its head. *grin* I’m not the fairest mind you’ll find- I’ve got my faults! But I think I can say I’ve growed up a smidge from the know-it-all I used to be.

Nowadays, for those of you who know, I’m quite a bit more relaxed. I’ve got to be! *grin* Two of the hottest topics around, the most commonly polarizing issues (religion and politics) I am in a very small minority on. Perhaps a minority of one. *grin* Thus I don’t bring these things up.

As for issues of basic culture, moral code, and behavior- I have to say, I have my limits. There are definite and certain points past which I will not willingly go. But within that range, ahh, there is much room for variation! I try to see a person’s reasons for their actions, when I can, to better understand them.

Let me be clear, while actions do not exist in a moral vacuum and reasons do matter, they are not allowed to be used as excuses in my book. Reasons inform my understanding of a person. Reasons separate (in an extreme case) a justified defense from hedonistic violence. For both religious and political things, I try to look for what really drives a person. There exist many people who react based on the way they were raised and their close circle of friends rather than thoughtful reflection on both the immediate and far consequences of their actions.

I try to sift the worthy elements from the layers of rhetoric and glossed motives. There are people behind these labels we use: Republican, Democrat, Baptist, Methodist, atheist… Sometimes in talking to someone I might at first think “there’s nothing I could have in common with this person,” I discover how very wrong I was. This can be both a good and a bad thing.

It is good to recognize the basic humanity of each and every person around us. This makes hating harder. It should. The bad sometimes tempts me to gloss over an action which should not stand unopposed: I might begin making excuses for another person (a bad idea), because of perceived good intentions… Actually, I’ve done this before.

We are going to argue sometimes. That is human nature. Emotion tends to creep in when we least expect it- but it is well that it does. The thing I find best in this, is part of my perception of being open minded. How a person reacts to the difficulties life throws at us… That is a strong indication of character. I see some good people on this board. This pleases me. I’m kind of easy that way. *grin*
 
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Faira is offline Faira Post #10  July 25,2010, 9:56pm
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DashMN wrote :
Open-mindedness is more than just acceptance of others who are different than ourselves. I think it also means not jumping to conclusions about people.
Good point!
 
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