How Open-minded Are You?

Open-mindedness is more than just acceptance of others who are different than ourselves. I think it also means not jumping to conclusions about people.

What a great topic, LBMM!

I moved from a small town of about 2000 people about 3 yrs ago to a metropolitan area. Since that time, I have come to realize how close-minded I was about many things. That realization has allowed me to open myself to new experiences and become more open-minded. It has also made me painfully aware of just how close-minded many members of my family are.

In my previous home, most of the people I knew (which was almost everyone) were just like me. Similar background, ethnicity, religious beliefs, political beliefs, even similar incomes. In my new home, I have made friends from other countries, friends who have very different religious beliefs, different lifestyles. I dated a man who had political beliefs that were almost exactly the opposite of mine. These new experiences have enriched my life in ways that I could never have imagined. I am so glad for the new experiences I've had. There are still things that I know I'm not open to, but isn't that true for all of us?

I think it is good and healthy to have friendships and relationships with people who are different and to be open-minded. It's amazing the things you can learn when you allow yourself to be open to possibilities. However, I think in a romantic relationship, there needs to be more 'likes' than 'differences'. As I said, I had a relatively serious relationship with a man who had extremely different political views than me. He is one of my best friends now, but we could never have managed a long-term romantic relationship.

I love that my boyfriend and I think similarly about many things, but I love, too, that we can disagree about some things without it breaking us. Still, at the end of the day, I want to know that the person that I could potentially spend the rest of my life with has similar views and beliefs as mine.

This led me to thinking about dating and how most people seem to want someone who is a mirror image of themselves...

Could you live with someone whose religious or spiritual beliefs were different from your own as long as basic values were shared? Would you be comfortable with someone who disagreed with you on politics or social issues? Can you listen to a difference in belief or philosophy that might, in your mind, trigger the thought, “That’s stupid.” and still treat the speaker with respect? Is there not some value in inviting people into your life who might not agree with you all the time even on major issues?

Do you value open-mindedness and are you open-minded enough to treat with value those who don’t or do you only respect those whose thinking aligns with your own?

Good question, and several great replies. Y'all are good people, and I'm glad to read these stories you've shared. *grin*

Me, I’m probably a bit more open-minded than I used to be. I once had a mind like a steel trap. Nothing got out, nothing got in, either. I knew it all, and the rest of the world could just go soak its head. *grin* I’m not the fairest mind you’ll find- I’ve got my faults! But I think I can say I’ve growed up a smidge from the know-it-all I used to be.

Nowadays, for those of you who know, I’m quite a bit more relaxed. I’ve got to be! *grin* Two of the hottest topics around, the most commonly polarizing issues (religion and politics) I am in a very small minority on. Perhaps a minority of one. *grin* Thus I don’t bring these things up.

As for issues of basic culture, moral code, and behavior- I have to say, I have my limits. There are definite and certain points past which I will not willingly go. But within that range, ahh, there is much room for variation! I try to see a person’s reasons for their actions, when I can, to better understand them.

Let me be clear, while actions do not exist in a moral vacuum and reasons do matter, they are not allowed to be used as excuses in my book. Reasons inform my understanding of a person. Reasons separate (in an extreme case) a justified defense from hedonistic violence. For both religious and political things, I try to look for what really drives a person. There exist many people who react based on the way they were raised and their close circle of friends rather than thoughtful reflection on both the immediate and far consequences of their actions.

I try to sift the worthy elements from the layers of rhetoric and glossed motives. There are people behind these labels we use: Republican, Democrat, Baptist, Methodist, atheist… Sometimes in talking to someone I might at first think “there’s nothing I could have in common with this person,” I discover how very wrong I was. This can be both a good and a bad thing.

It is good to recognize the basic humanity of each and every person around us. This makes hating harder. It should. The bad sometimes tempts me to gloss over an action which should not stand unopposed: I might begin making excuses for another person (a bad idea), because of perceived good intentions… Actually, I’ve done this before.

We are going to argue sometimes. That is human nature. Emotion tends to creep in when we least expect it- but it is well that it does. The thing I find best in this, is part of my perception of being open minded. How a person reacts to the difficulties life throws at us… That is a strong indication of character. I see some good people on this board. This pleases me. I’m kind of easy that way. *grin*

Okay, I like this thread, and it's a great thought, but I've got to admit it kind of makes me feel defensive. Like you're saying someone can't call herself open-minded if she wants a partner who "mirrors" her on important issues, as if that indicates close-mindedness or narcissism.

I think sharing your life with a variety of people of all backgrounds is a great thing--so is tolerance and respect, and the ability to discuss a variety of issues without dismissing opposing viewpoints. However, when it comes down to my "soul mate" (and I don't even believe in that term!) I want someone with a similar heart and mind. And, since my political beliefs are strongly tied to my sense of justice and compassion, and my values of freedom and tolerance, my partner will need to share them, at least somewhat.

I don't know--I could share some stories about how open-minded I am, and about how diverse my friends are, etc., but this (dating preference) seems to be the core issue in your post. You're not really asking if we're open-minded towards our neighbors and co-workers; you're asking if we're "open-minded" towards our dates. (And I guess my defensiveness comes from blurring of the two issues: open-mindedness / respect towards people in general and open-mindedness / acceptance of anyone of any beliefs as your mate.)

Okay, end rant. Sorry! Just trying to clarify your thoughts. (And no offense meant towards anyone here--I don't mean to be negative... I know I'm feeling kind of defensive about this, so I hope it doesn't come off that way.)

Nah - it's all good. I'm not saying that everyone should accept anyone as a mate. I'm asking more how much of that might carry over. The open-mindedness isn't about tolerating anything in your life, either with friends or with lovers. It's more about how do you deal with differences. And it isn't my intent to say wanting someone who mirrors your beliefs is bad or narcissistic. Like I said, I'm just thinking out loud. I was more interested in hearing about open-mindedness in general and how people define it for themselves. Because even if you find someone who is exactly what you want, chances are he has a brother or a sister who's going to believe something that ticks you off.

And I've been known to meander in my thoughts. I'm inviting everyone else to do the same.

Personally, I feel like there is a difference between having friends/acquaintances with very different philosophies and having a mate with these different philosophies. I have friends across the spectrum (in terms of politics, religion, class, and culture), and I appreciate their different viewpoints and truly enjoy conversing with them. However, it does make life easier if your mate is like you in certain regards. (And they find that it therefore makes divorce less likely, as well.)

My politics and stances on social issues reflect my personal philosophy and values. Some politics can be set aside (especially if your mate is equally open-minded and respectful about differences in opinion), but some, to me, cannot.

And finally--in my first real relationship, I discovered that it was important to me to be able to speak my mind about something I'm passionate about and have the person closest to me back me up. When I feel outraged about something I see as a colossal injustice, it's frustrating to have my partner dismiss the incident as nothing. Arguing about the particulars of something is one thing; arguing about the heart of the matter is another.

I guess, to me, open-mindedness is important, but you can't be open-minded about everything. I'm not "open" to the idea of genocide, for instance, and I don't think that I should be. But I do, generally, still consider myself to be very open-minded.

...our own awareness can expand and make us close-minded to those who might not have had the same experiences...

I definitely think that "good" open-mindedness is about being respectful and curious,

Yes. Assuming good intent is part of it. It's easy to dismiss or malign someone's POV simply because we assume we know the intent of their words or actions. We see that even in our community here - the quickness to dismiss someone as a nuisance because we assume that they are posting for one particular reason when we don't really know. Or the assumption that someone who disagrees with our POV or our presentation of it is attacking us personally.

It's a bit of a trial being human and allowing subjectivity to direct us at times when a bit of emotional distance might give us clearer vision. Thanks for your post.

And what a slippery slope that can be. We really can't consider another judgmental, without also presuming to judge them ourselves. Nor can we criticize someone for looking down their nose at others, without also looking down our nose at them.