A prospect's interest in you. (Something new.)


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whatashameaboutme is offline whatashameaboutme Post #1  July 6,2010, 10:53am
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I admittedly have minimal dating experience...but what I learned in my brief relationship is that you can't make someone more interested than they are, and also you can't change someone.

What I mean is, she had enough interest in me to want to go on dates/fool around, return my calls...but for whatever reason, she didn't feel as strongly about me as I did her. Part of that is the fact that she's afraid to fall for someone based on her bad relationship experiences and the fact that her parents had an ugly divorce when she was very young. Part of it is also that for whatever reason, she wasn't feeling me as much as I was feeling her.

I'm sure if I had been more casual, and respectful of the fact that she just got out of a bad relationship, and took things at her pace (emotionally) maybe something more would have come out of it...but I think even then, we eventually would have butted heads and just weren't an overall match.

This is why I'm not "chasing" anymore. If I'm friends with a girl, or dating and/or sleeping with a girl, and she's showing clear interest in me and making it obvious that relationship-wise she wants to go from Point A to Point B, I'd gladly welcome that. I'm just done with the search and the chase.

I believe that the healthiest relationships, it's a 50/50 partnership, and if anything, if it's not 50/50, the woman should have more interest in the guy.

What I noticed, being in the market and looking for another girlfriend for a while after my ex cut off all contact with me, is that a lot of women are interested enough in person to check you out, give you their number or facebook, but then when you follow up, for whatever reason, their interest level is low.

So basically, one reason I'm putting love to the side is because I kind of believe in fate. I believe you have to put yourself in the position and leave the house to meet someone, but I believe that things work out on their own.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #2  July 6,2010, 11:15am
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I don't know what you want to discuss in this thread -- waning interest after meeting someone, who should be more interested in a relationship, trusting fate, overcoming agoraphobia? Can you pose a question?
 
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whatashameaboutme is offline whatashameaboutme Post #3  July 6,2010, 11:24am
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All of the above. And I'm wondering from the more experienced daters out there if they find this to be true - that is, if usually the best relationships just work on their own...they have difficulties like any other relationship, but they're minimized and the people don't have to struggle to communicate. Also, if usually the two people having equal or similar interest results in the healthiest of relationships.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #4  July 6,2010, 4:10pm
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All relationships take work - and from both parties...every day. Even friendships. But if one person is working more than the other in the beginning, the chances of success are not that great.

So, yes, I think interest has to be pretty much at the same level.

It's not much different than any other social interaction. If a neighbor invites you to dinner, it's good to be gracious and thank them in some way. Inviting them back in return or offering to bring something to dinner, like a bottle of wine. Delivering a Mercedes to their front door would probably be overkill.

If someone you're interested in seems less inclined to return that interest, it's good to dial it back a notch. Not play games, but let it progress organically, which it can't do if one person is trying to force it - or has an agenda in mind. Communication differences can be worked out but, again, it takes two people who have a good level of self-awareness and maturity to do so.

In the short term, love is a feeling. You feel attracted to someone. You want to pay attention to them and have them pay attention to you. In the long run, I think love is a choice. This is where committment comes in. You make the committment that every day you're going to act in a loving way...even on days when you aren't necessarily feeling it - and there are plenty of those.
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #5  July 6,2010, 5:34pm
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If you are saying you had a bad outcome for pushing a woman too hard, too fast ... then, yes, I agree that's a mistake you are wise to correct.

Being creepy, clinging, suspicious, are going to scare normal women away.

I also agree with your conclusion that interest must be shared (requiring this only loses the people you don't want anyway.)
 
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yeahitsme is offline yeahitsme Post #6  July 6,2010, 5:40pm
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Why is it that the woman should be more into the man?
 
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whatashameaboutme is offline whatashameaboutme Post #7  July 6,2010, 5:54pm
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Women are the selectors. They control the shots. (And that's a compliment.) If a woman isn't as interested in her man as he is in her...chances are, he's chasing, overcompensating, doing anything (usually unsuccessfully) that he thinks will win her approval.) If someone new and interesting shows interest in a woman (in a relationship where the guy has more interest than her) she will start to look around.

I know all of you hate my TV and movie references...but there was a good, realistic example of this in the movie "My best friend's girl." The Jason Biggs character completely shows his hand to Kate Hudson, tells her he loves her after dating her for like a couple weeks...she says "We haven't even kissed yet, let alone had sex"...so anyway, she starts dating Dane Cook, who doesn't show his hand, and is everything that the Jason Biggs character isn't...and not only does she sleep with him, she falls for him. She doesn't mind when Dane Cook eventually falls for her...because he proved himself first.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #8  July 6,2010, 6:07pm
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You reciprocate in kind. Not too much. Not too little. Saying that you think a woman should have more interest sounds like a way to protect yourself from rejection. You can't evade that risk. But your analogy above is close. It's not about playing games....it's about being able to read social cues and set a pace that's comfortable for both people.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  July 6,2010, 6:24pm
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Funny, I've always heard that men call the shots. They set the pace on commitment more often than women, even though women typically set the pace on intimacy.

Also, there is something called mirroring. You follow the pace of the other person. If they take two days to call you back, you take two days to call them back. If they quickly return an e-mail, you do that same. No one should be concerned with communication that is at the same pace they set themselves.

ETA: Though I have had guys get upset with me for doing the same as them. And, I'm not suggesting that if she calls you 10 times a day (and you don't like that) that you should call her 10 times a day.
Last edited by AndieIsMe; July 6,2010 at 6:26pm.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  July 6,2010, 6:38pm
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I dont get why women should be more into the man. Thats just weird. Its even more weird when someone requires it.

Quit trying to force things. I think thats usually when someone will feel "taken advantage of". When you force things, you WORRY about "50/50" (which is a fantasy, by the way) you WORRY about who pays. In a real, budding non-forced normal relationship, no one is thinking about those things or caring about them.
 
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