trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #1  July 1,2010, 2:10pm

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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I came across a kid's picture book today about a lonely boy and his grandma who adopt a dog. This line jumped off the page to me ......

"He went home on Friday at 3.30, it was that time of the week when lonely people realise how lonely they are."

Why don't we ever talk about loneliness? Why is it (almost) taboo? Why is it sometimes ridiculed? Why is it synomimous with 'loser' and 'failure'? Why is it an emotion we struggle to own and feel awkward mentioning?

Without someone special to love and be loved by and with my family far away in another city I feel prone to 'lonely' sometimes and I'm lucky enough to have a lot of friends, be an 'adopted' member of a few families around me, and I go out a lot.

Why am I now anxious about how that's perceived?

Why is lonely a difficult topic?

 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #2  July 1,2010, 2:28pm
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That's interesting - I never assume someone who is single is also lonely. I've been happily, consistently single for a couple years and I've had a great (not lonely) time. There are moments when I've wanted physical closeness, but I had that in relationships, too.

I have a friend who has been in back to back relationships for the last 7 years - she's totally embraced being single and has a much wider social life b/c the guys she dated were 'wrap up in me' types. She's also happier than I've seen her in ages and I think she'll be ready to re-invest sometime not too long off b/c she's seen how not lonely life 'alone' can be. It removes a fear of 'never finding the one' and 'always being alone' to realize that you make your own happiness and that there are lots and lots of wonderful people out there to love you and take care of you (platonically).
Last edited by lunabeach; July 1,2010 at 2:29pm. Reason: second thought
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  July 1,2010, 2:49pm
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I think, perhaps, that it is seen as within a person's control to change.

Thus, it takes a unique amount of "unlikability" to be lonely.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #4  July 1,2010, 2:53pm

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trixie1868 wrote :

Why is lonely a difficult topic?

People don't want to admit that they're lonely because there's a stigma attached to it.....lonely because they got nobody, etc...and might be considered undesirable, something wrong with them, etc.

The key is sometimes..you don't necessarily have to be alone to be lonely.

How many TRUE friends do you have VS acquaintances? How many close friends do you have vs drinking buddies vs people you meet on weekly/monthly basis (for social) but not outside the specified time? etc..etc...if you were to fall in your house tomorrow and bedridden for a month, can you count on any of your friends to help you? Bring you food? etc..
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #5  July 1,2010, 2:56pm

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Although I am alone quite a bit, I'm seldom lonely.

I view loneliness as being a choice made by someone who perhaps is shy or doesn't have friend making skills or decides to spend their time alone.

I like my alone time..I NEED it as a creative person..have always needed a space where I can just spend a day or 3 just contemplating, writing, reading or whatever I decide to do.

While I don't see unlikability as part of lonely people I do know women, especially women my age who just don't have it in them to talk to another person, to make a friend in the grocery line or whatever....

It's a sad idea, Trix. I'm glad you have friends to give you a boost!
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #6  July 1,2010, 2:59pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I think, perhaps, that it is seen as within a person's control to change.

Thus, it takes a unique amount of "unlikability" to be lonely.
Whether one is lonely or not has nothing to do with whether they are likeable. You can be alone (even unliked) and content, or loved and surrounded by others (even a spouse) and feel lonely.

It's a feeling, not a state or status.
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #7  July 1,2010, 3:12pm

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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D_Lion wrote :
I think, perhaps, that it is seen as within a person's control to change.

Thus, it takes a unique amount of "unlikability" to be lonely.
Yes, exactly! Why though? Why this hard hearted response to something we all experience from time to time. And if you've had to move to a new city with work, or have been left by a lover, or have had friends move away because of work, it might be entirely legit to feel lonely but it's still seen as wallowing in self pity that could be 'cured' by a big shake up and a few night classes!

PY_2 wrote :
People don't want to admit that they're lonely because there's a stigma attached to it.....lonely because they got nobody, etc...and might be considered undesirable, something wrong with them, etc.

The key is sometimes..you don't necessarily have to be alone to be lonely.

How many TRUE friends do you have VS acquaintances? How many close friends do you have vs drinking buddies vs people you meet on weekly/monthly basis (for social) but not outside the specified time? etc..etc...if you were to fall in your house tomorrow and bedridden for a month, can you count on any of your friends to help you? Bring you food? etc..
Absolutely, your life can be crawling with people and still you can feel lonely.

RoxyRedhead wrote :
I view loneliness as being a choice made by someone who perhaps is shy or doesn't have friend making skills or decides to spend their time alone.

I like my alone time..I NEED it as a creative person..have always needed a space where I can just spend a day or 3 just contemplating, writing, reading or whatever I decide to do.

While I don't see unlikability as part of lonely people I do know women, especially women my age who just don't have it in them to talk to another person, to make a friend in the grocery line or whatever....

It's a sad idea, Trix. I'm glad you have friends to give you a boost!
Well that's an insight Roxy, especially the bold bit which is logical enough but doesn't necessarily apply to me.

I also love being alone. Couldn't bear a lodger, I need my own space and silences and feel a bit cranky if I'm denied a bit of solitude.

It might just be part of my psychological make up. I would complain of being lonely when I was in relationships too and in my home town with a multitude of people around me. Maybe I have a maudlin streak that needs restraining.
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #8  July 1,2010, 3:15pm

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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neardc wrote :
Whether one is lonely or not has nothing to do with whether they are likeable. You can be alone (even unliked) and content, or loved and surrounded by others (even a spouse) and feel lonely.

It's a feeling, not a state or status.
Well put.
 
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landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #9  July 1,2010, 3:35pm
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I think loneliness has different degrees. We don't like talking about it because in a world of such technological availability we should be able to reach out and call someone or get in touch and that is not always possible. In a world where there are millions upon millions of people we can still be isolated from others and that should be unfathomable.

The deal with loneliness can be solved though. When you realize that you can't be the only lonely person out there, then you will reach out to another who may also be lonely thus making a connection. Is it easy? Not always, but the first step is in admitting it.
Last edited by landstar59; July 1,2010 at 3:37pm. Reason: correct spelling mistakes
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #10  July 1,2010, 3:42pm
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Sure, I am lonely sometimes. No shame in my game.

I have a ton of friends, see my family almost weekly, am joined at the hip with my delightful 4 year old except when she is at school, and belong to several delightful message boards where I can exchange witty banter with likeminded strangers, but still. I am lonely for male companionship, romantic love and I long for the feeling of certainty that comes from a long term commitment.

I wouldn't be doing the online dating thing otherwise.
 
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