dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #1  June 28,2010, 8:08am
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I'm not sure if this is the right place, but it seemed to make sense to post this here.

I am a pretty affectionate and loving person. I adore my friends and would do just about anything I could for them. I have a great mix of female and male friends and I try to be there for them when they need support, no matter their gender.

My concern is this: When I have a male friend that's going through something, some issue, some concern, and I offer support or just send hugs or let them know I am thinking of them or something of the sort, why is it assumed that I am trying to get romantic or flirting or coming on to them when I am just trying to be a friend? Or if I am just trying to have a conversation in general, the same thing happens?

I am just a genuinely nice person, but I am not targeting every male I know for romance. I've had a couple issues come up with a couple guy friends who were going through divorces and when I tried to be supportive, they thought I was trying to catch them on the rebound. Even though both of them knew I was dating someone at the time.

So do I just not be a friend to my male friends while they are going through a rough time? Just forget I know them for the time being? I don't know what to do...
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #2  June 28,2010, 8:45am

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how exactly do they respond that makes you assume they want something romantic?
 
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dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #3  June 28,2010, 9:03am
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I had one actually send me a message back telling me sorry... they did not want anything romantic with me and that he just wanted us to stay good friends. The other had another friend tell me.

I am beginning to think I am just too nice and everyone is taking it the wrong way. I am beginning to feel very self-conscious when I am talking to guys, and male friends.

One of my very closest friends is a married man and he's always been very up front with me and he told me I am doing nothing wrong, that he has never seen me give off the impression nor has HE ever gotten the impression that I am hinting at more. He says I am just a very warm, genuine person and people who aren't expecting it or aren't used to it may take it the wrong way. Or in some cases, the guy may just be thinking too highly of himself.
Last edited by dazedconfuzed; June 28,2010 at 9:04am. Reason: typo
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #4  June 28,2010, 9:10am

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well....

taking your other thread into account, maybe it is something that you are doing and don't realize it.

or, these two are isolated incidents- is this RL or online? vulnerable people in emotional turmoil may react oddly to things.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  June 28,2010, 9:15am
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Shrug....some men will assume that you want them just because you are talking to them at all. They are the type of men who don't believe there is ever such a thing as a platonic friendship between a man and a woman. Also, these guys don't really sound like they are that great of friends if they don't know you enough to know what you are like as a person. If I were you, I'd set them straight about being so presumptuous and get on with my life as normal. Keep the friends who are worth keeping and don't worry about the rest.
 
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dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #6  June 28,2010, 9:31am
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scarlet13 wrote :
well....

taking your other thread into account, maybe it is something that you are doing and don't realize it.

or, these two are isolated incidents- is this RL or online? vulnerable people in emotional turmoil may react oddly to things.

Real life. Friends from back in my high school/college days. Known at least 20 years.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  June 28,2010, 2:04pm
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I have had male friends talk to me about love sorrows they're going through, with no confusion on either side about our relationship.

I wonder if these friends were never clear that you were platonic with them?

Or could there be something in exactly what you said or did that made them see you as coming on to them?
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #8  June 28,2010, 3:50pm
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Also, how close is your friendship with each of these two men?

With some of the men in my life, our platonic friendship is close enough--that is, they know me very well and vice versa--that I can make those kinds of warm, open, supportive gestures without risk of misinterpretation. With many others, however, I keep the support lower-key.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  June 28,2010, 5:21pm
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DancingFool wrote :
Shrug....some men will assume that you want them just because you are talking to them at all.

I'd tend to agree with this.

I think this is somewhat age related, and as you get older it should be less of a problem.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #10  June 28,2010, 7:34pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I'd tend to agree with this.

I think this is somewhat age related, and as you get older it should be less of a problem.
One would think but not true.

OP, it says less about you then it does about them.
 
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