Am I too old to start a family?


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Ghost9650 is offline Ghost9650 Post #1  June 17,2010, 1:47pm
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Sorry, this is a long post but I wanted to put all the facts out there to get some meaningful advice.
I am 44 and decided last year that I want to start a family. Based on the many other posts here, yes, I realize I am considered very old for what I want. But in all honesty I did not feel ready for family or desired one of my own until recently – guess getting laid off from one’s job gives one a whole lot of time to ponder on such things. Up until now I was very much committed to my career and devoted all my time and energy to it at the expense (sadly) of my relationships. But I have in the past few years realized that my career does not give me the fulfillment or satisfaction that having a family of my own will. Once again, yes, I am late to the party but c’est la vie.
I would like to find a partner who wants to have a family with me. I’m flexible as to whether he already has children or not so long as we can financially pull it off. Is it unrealistic to expect this with a man who does not have children yet? I am trying to cast as wide a net as possible and have very few deal breakers – non-smoker, graduate education just as I have, not be a criminal, I’d prefer no drugs but am OK with occasional use so long as its not around the family. Everything else is negotiable.
Because of my age, I feel that having a child with my own eggs is not realistic and creates a higher risk of birth defects. But I also want to experience having a child with my man if possible. For that reason, I have decided to use a donor egg. I don’t have a need to have my own genetic child but do respect a man’s desire to have a child that is genetically connected to him. I would want to have one child in this manner and then adopt two additional kids (maybe older) to complete my family. Considering my age, I feel this is a practical approach to achieving what I want. Please feel free to weigh in on this. Fortunately, I am able to pull this off financially as I make a pretty good living.
I like to think that I bring a lot to the table (minus the ability to have a child with my own eggs) but is it enough to overcome this shortcoming? Am I crazy with what I am hoping to achieve? Will any man want to do this with me? Please be honest. I want to do everything possible to make this happen and if that means I take steps to turn myself into an extraordinary human being then I am willing to do so. I just need to figure out what those additional things might be. I figure if I can do well professionally, I should be able to take the same skill set and apply is to my personal life. Am I wrong on this front? Can I meet men in the online dating world who would be open to this? How to best discuss this topic especially in an online setting where one does not know each other? And if you think I’m being unrealistic, do let me know that as well. I will give this a thousand percent but also want to have a sense of whether this is possible as clearly time is not on my side.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #2  June 17,2010, 2:07pm

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The men exist but probably hard to find. If I were you I would put it in your profile and brace for a lot of closed messages.

I could be wrong but I thought once harvested the eggs can be tested for genetic defects. In other words I think you could be your own egg donor. I think it is the same process for those that want to pick boy v girl.

Good luck.
 
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nancymargritangelita is offline nancymargritangelita Post #3  June 17,2010, 2:21pm
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Actually 44 isn't as old as it sounds. Many women in their 40's start families. It gets harder for women over 40 to become pregnant, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're too old. If you're able to give your children the love and support they need while growing up and you find the right man to start a family with you, then go for it.

Good luck.
 
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Ghost9650 is offline Ghost9650 Post #4  June 17,2010, 2:26pm
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@Can_I_just_be_Jo : I went to a fertility clinic to explore the very option you suggest and learned that the success rate is less than 1% at best.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  June 17,2010, 2:29pm
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At 44, I think very few men who wish natural children will consider you (and they'd be right, given the slim chance of you having even one child, based on the probability at your current age, and further reduced probability at the age you will be at the end of a successful initial relationship duration.)

Being open to partners with children ought to mean many more men would be able to consider you (though many of these will have an ex-wife in his life, which you might not want to contend with.)

A further complicating factor with a large family is the issue of potentially being over 70 years old and dealing with "can I borrow the car?"

***

It seems that you have rather a lot of doubt for this choice - and to be making it due to a layoff strikes me as the wrong solution to that problem.
 
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howardtheduck is offline howardtheduck Post #6  June 17,2010, 3:13pm
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Short answer... Yes. It may not be fair to the kid(s) to be 60 when they are 15. Assuming, of course no birth defects. Also, the risks associated with first birth mothers above the age of 40 rise exponentially with each additional year - both to mother and child. So, yes.

Unfortunately, eggs, uteri, everything bodes better for the fertile 18-25 years.

Waiting for life to be in order to finish school, to then have the career, to then want the child, to then find the man who wants to have the child, to then try and conceive, to then have the child. Nobody ever said life is fair and nobody ever said the laws of the land and that justice is fair or equal even. But, well, yes. Your age is unfortunately, in my opinion, too old to start thinking selfless... or selfish... that should have been a decade ago...
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  June 17,2010, 3:26pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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You want to go through this process just so you can have the 'experience' of going through the pregnancy and birth process with a man? I suppose....but this sounds a bit odd to me. My recommendation would be to simply find a man who already has young children.
 
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margaret18 is offline margaret18 Post #8  June 17,2010, 4:00pm
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the procedure referred to earlier is preimplantation genetic diagnosis.

success rate depends on age of woman/age of eggs.

my advice: if you want a child do it on your own. at 44 you have
no time to wait to find the right man to do it with you. exponential rise in risks every year you wait.
 
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heisenberg is offline heisenberg Post #9  June 17,2010, 4:14pm
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The probability is low that, at 44, you will find a man open to in-vitro fertilization. While many men would be willing to consider this option from a mate they knew for many years and tried unsuccessfully the old fashioned way, its just kind of late in the game to start thinking of this at this stage, especially with no specific male candidates in mind.

While the suggestion to "do it on your own" (and in your case the sooner the better) may be a viable option, at this stage such a decision may make it more difficult to find a marriage partner.

There may be males in your age group, although far and few between, who are willing to consider adoption at this stage in their lives.

Ghost9650 wrote :
...I am trying to cast as wide a net as possible and have very few deal breakers – non-smoker, graduate education just as I have, not be a criminal, I’d prefer no drugs but am OK with occasional use so long as its not around the family...
This would be a deal breaker against you for many graduate degree kind of guys, if they know you are open to mates who engage in recreational drug use.

Beyond this, if a family is what you wish, there may be single fathers in their mid-40's with primary custody of young children who may be open to a woman such as yourself who would like to raise a family. A downside to a ready made family is that the childs other parent is often in the picture, which on some levels may be an upleasant reality a step-parent has to learn to contend with.

The best you can do at this point is to cast your net wide, as you say, and hope that someone comes along that may be able to meet your desire for a family... in whatever form that takes.
 
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NYCpigeon is offline NYCpigeon Post #10  June 17,2010, 4:23pm
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No, OP, you're not too old. People do it every day, albeit usually with help from professionals. A woman's uterus is good for life. Many older women have done what you are contemplating, that is use a donor egg. Among them are Nancy Grace, Sarah Jessica Parker, and now I hear the Travolta's are pregnant too.

You might not want to wait until you meet someone, however, as this will only add more time to the equation. You might also want to consider foreign born men, as they sometimes need help with their papers. And sometimes this kind of thing works out well in the end.

I think the most important thing of all is that the child(ren) are wanted. And that you have the emotional and financial strength/persistence to see this through. You will need it.

Good luck.
 
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