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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  June 15,2010, 6:11am
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A few years back I was an internet chat junkie. I would chat with almost anyone and everyone. I can't even remember how I met some of the people I met online, but most were decent conversations. One that I was reminded of was a guy who said something to me that stung a bit, then. Now, I see it from a different POV and can only laugh at the guy's lack of social skills.

I remember coming to the conclusion (before he said this to me) that he wasn't someone I was interested in. Somehow our conversation came to me being a single mom. He sent me a long IM about how I should be ready for a life alone because no man would ever want to date a single mom. Having children was the death of dating for me, etc, etc. (Please remember I'm pulling this from memory, from 7+ years ago)

First, he didn't need to say what he said to me. Second, why would he think that "every man" would also think the same?

So, my question is. When you "decide" something, whether it be about dating single moms, previously incarcerated people, someone shorter than yourself, etc., does it come from the "this is right for me" aspect, or the "everyone thinks like this" aspect? Has anyone (besides people here on the boards) ever expressed a value or POV that they claim is held by every other person?



BTW, I told him right then and there that he was rude, wrong and based on this as well as our previous conversations, that he wasn't someone I wanted to date. He didn't quite get that I had already made up my mind.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  June 15,2010, 6:51pm
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No response? All day and no response?

That's what I get for posting on 2 hours of sleep!
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #3  June 15,2010, 7:10pm
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The guy was a jerk.
But you knew that already.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  June 15,2010, 7:21pm
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Well, yeah. But... never mind.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #5  June 15,2010, 7:36pm
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But, but, but, I think its a mixture of how people decide.
Hows that?
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #6  June 15,2010, 7:43pm
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When I decide something I decide for me. But, some things I decide - I won't tolerate other people doing. I don't think that's deciding for them - it's deciding not to be associated with whatever it is they're doing.

I have certainly run into people who would like to make me think that their opinion is fact. I have had some attempt to argue it with me strenuously. They say there's a difference between boundaries and walls. I'm thinking walls are what you need with these kinds of people.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #7  June 15,2010, 8:41pm
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AndieIsMe wrote :
A few years back I was an internet chat junkie. I would chat with almost anyone and everyone. I can't even remember how I met some of the people I met online, but most were decent conversations. One that I was reminded of was a guy who said something to me that stung a bit, then. Now, I see it from a different POV and can only laugh at the guy's lack of social skills.

I remember coming to the conclusion (before he said this to me) that he wasn't someone I was interested in. Somehow our conversation came to me being a single mom. He sent me a long IM about how I should be ready for a life alone because no man would ever want to date a single mom. Having children was the death of dating for me, etc, etc. (Please remember I'm pulling this from memory, from 7+ years ago)

First, he didn't need to say what he said to me. Second, why would he think that "every man" would also think the same?

So, my question is. When you "decide" something, whether it be about dating single moms, previously incarcerated people, someone shorter than yourself, etc., does it come from the "this is right for me" aspect, or the "everyone thinks like this" aspect? Has anyone (besides people here on the boards) ever expressed a value or POV that they claim is held by every other person?



BTW, I told him right then and there that he was rude, wrong and based on this as well as our previous conversations, that he wasn't someone I wanted to date. He didn't quite get that I had already made up my mind.
I feel that his strategy there was to prove how lucky you were that he was deigning to consider you.

It's a strategy of someone with very low self-esteem and a very controlling dynamic. To me what he was doing is kinda like saying you're just lucky I paid any attention to you because no one else would want you ...

Good for you for sending him packing.

Personally, when I decide not to date someone it's not because I think they are flawed and no one would date them, but because I felt the fit was not quite right for me. They either had one of my dealbreakers, or there was an absence of important dealmakers ... something like that.

I figure I am unique in some of my quirks, so not everyone's gonna fit me ya know?
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #8  June 15,2010, 9:20pm
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Well, can we come up with a list of "undateables" that really! everybody agrees! I think maybe we can. So those things would be both "it's right for me" and "everybody says so".

For instance.
No one wants to date Charles Manson.

H'mm. I'm having trouble coming up with a 2nd example....
 
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Irishlass68 is offline Irishlass68 Post #9  June 15,2010, 9:26pm
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If what that guy said was true, no one with any of those issues would ever find anyone. We all know thats not true. There are always going to be idiots who think its ok to make sweeping statements and even some who will get up in your face about it.
 
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greg75 is offline greg75 Post #10  June 16,2010, 4:16am
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The guy was probably some 12 year old pretending to be older. You said you "met" him in a chatroom, correct? It's obvious that what he said was untrue.

But, I can tell you, when I make up my mind about certain things I am turned on/off about, I do it for myself. If I decided that I would never date a woman with kids, I would make the decision based on my life and have good reasons for it.

I hope this makes sense, I haven't had my first cup of coffee yet.
 
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