The way you perceive (or dare I say... judge..) couples


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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #1  June 8,2010, 11:12pm
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I thought about this question when answering another thread regarding height.

One thing that I realize is that a big reason for the women not dating a vertically challenged man, or a man not dating a horizontally plethorant woman, is due to the fear of public perception. They are worried that they will be judged negatively, or looked down upon, or lose some sort of societal status, due to the person they are dating.

And the only reason I can think that someone would think this is this: Because the person afraid of the judgement, is themselves, one who holds those kinds of perceptions and judgements. They themselves think a woman is weird if she likes a short(er) guy, or that the man is gross for falling for a large(er) woman.

So I ask this, and since many of you in here hide your photos, you can be honest: What are your thoughts/perceptions/judgements of someone who would date/is out on a date, with a person who you would see as outside the physical norm of what you would expect?
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  June 8,2010, 11:48pm
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I don't usually care what other people think about "us" as a couple. Unless the guy hasn't showered and is stinking up the place or being rude and vulgar, who I'm with is no ones business.

I have found myself questioning couples. In the back of my mind I might think "what the heck?" but it is none of my business. they obviously see something in each other that is attractive and alluring.

Why spend my time worrying about others when I should be worrying about myself and my life.
 
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Spider is offline Spider Post #3  June 9,2010, 2:45am
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I do get that "why are they together?" idea sometimes, but it's not because of appearance unless one of them is dressed outrageously differently than the other (a prep with a Goth, or a hootchie-mama with a jeans-t-shirt guy, say). Usually what pings on my radar is behavior, if one is treating the other very disrespectfully or has terrible social skills/manners. Displaying a disregard or disdain for the person you're with will attract my attention and have me wondering what in the world your date or spouse was thinking.
 
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NYCpigeon is offline NYCpigeon Post #4  June 9,2010, 3:03am
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Personally it makes no difference to me. But the only height combination that will have me turn my head several times is when the guy is a foot or more taller than his SO. To me they just look so bizarre. And I find myself tempted to think they are father/daughter.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  June 9,2010, 4:28am
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Maybe I just don't hang out in circles where SO's are judged like prized cattle, but I really don't believe that for most people this kind of a judgment is a big factor in choosing a mate.

I can't speak for men, but as a woman, to me it's important to feel physically feminine next to the guy. This is kind of hard to explain, but basically if I feel like I'm bigger and stronger than him or I'm towering over him like a giant cow, it's not happening dating wise. This is probably where height is such an issue for many women - you want to wear pretty heels and feel cute and petite and feminine rather than large and overbearing and clumsy.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #6  June 9,2010, 4:49am

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I've never been one to care what people think.

I do sometimes like to make up stories in my head about why obviously mis-matched couples are together though-not in a judgemental way, just for my own entertainment.

i don't understand why this topic has anything to do with why people hide their photos on here, though.
 
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animator_guy is offline animator_guy Post #7  June 9,2010, 8:58am
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Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :

One thing that I realize is that a big reason for the women not dating a vertically challenged man, or a man not dating a horizontally plethorant woman, is due to the fear of public perception. They are worried that they will be judged negatively, or looked down upon, or lose some sort of societal status, due to the person they are dating.
Many years ago I met a beautiful woman who was about 6'3" and we started talking about how we both had challenges when it came to dating (I'm about a foot shorter at 5'4"). As we were talking and sharing height based dating horror stories - I half jokingly said - We should go out. I honestly thought that she'd never go for a guy as short as me.

But she did.

We dated for awhile and actually got along great - she loved that she could go out with me in heels - I said "you already have a foot on me, what's another couple of inches?" But the downside was, any time we went out- we became a spectacle. Our height difference drew a lot of attention- some good, some bad... actually mostly bad. She was very sensitive about her height - and the public attention became too much for her. Its too bad it had to end like that, we got along so great in private. Height was never an issue with us at home, but as soon as we went out - that's all anyone saw.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #8  June 9,2010, 10:27am
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I had a serious bf who was shorter than me. He got teased by his coworkers about it. It really bothered him. That hurt my feelings. It probably was one factor in the relationship eventually ending, but by itself was not killer.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #9  June 9,2010, 3:14pm
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scarlet13 wrote :
I've never been one to care what people think.

I do sometimes like to make up stories in my head about why obviously mis-matched couples are together though-not in a judgemental way, just for my own entertainment.

i don't understand why this topic has anything to do with why people hide their photos on here, though.
I do this whether people are coupled or not. I'm also a notorious eavesdropper in public places.

Who hides their photo? I'm certain that's Scarlet under that red hood!

Oh, as to the OP...I really don't care what people think of me and the people I date or hang out with. I care about what I think of me and the people I date or hang out with.

And really, anyone past the age of about 20 who makes any major life decisions with the idea of "what people will think" as their guideline is missing a few developmental steps on the maturity ladder.

ETA: And lest you think I'm saying I don't judge - I do. But I judge based on what people do - whether they consistently make bad choices, whether they treat their SO badly or allow themselves to be treated badly to keep an SO.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; June 9,2010 at 3:18pm.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  June 9,2010, 4:20pm
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Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :
One thing that I realize is that a big reason for the women not dating a vertically challenged man, or a man not dating a horizontally plethorant woman, is due to the fear of public perception. They are worried that they will be judged negatively, or looked down upon, or lose some sort of societal status, due to the person they are dating.

I do not agree.

I think it is mostly a matter of individual attraction (or lack thereof.)

(If your premise were correct, people would not seek age-inapropriate mates, or those with behavior choices outside the norm of peer group preference.)


Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :
And the only reason I can think that someone would think this is this: Because the person afraid of the judgement, is themselves, one who holds those kinds of perceptions and judgements. They themselves think a woman is weird if she likes a short(er) guy, or that the man is gross for falling for a large(er) woman.

I disagree again,

Community norms are legitimate screening mechanisms. I would not undertake a serious relationship with a partner who would be seen in a negative light by my workplace superiors, or those superiors I am likely to have in the type of future jobs I may reasonably expect to be in.

Being seen as a person of sound judgment and stability is important enough to make this choice.


Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :
So I ask this, and since many of you in here hide your photos, you can be honest: What are your thoughts/perceptions/judgements of someone who would date/is out on a date, with a person who you would see as outside the physical norm of what you would expect?

To the extent that I even care about other people:

- In the case of weight in long term couples, I believe the weight was added after the relationship had formed (which has usually been the case, once I saw the wedding photo.)

- In the case of non-commital couples, I assume the man is poor (as his appearance, beharior, values, and speech confirm.)

- In the case of height difference, I assume she does not prioritize height to such a degree as to overlook whatever else she likes in him (in any case, height is not seen as a choice, so it is treated much differently, by the people I know in the real world.)
 
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