6 Situations When the "Real You" Emerges

I need help/advice:

My boyfriend came home after a long day, and I went to his house to takehim dinner. He is tired and has had too much to drink while at a meeting. I am going outside to the barn anyway, and he asks if I will feed his horse and dog while I am outside. I say "sure". He gets mad and tells me I am f**king stupid if I would actually feed his animals for him when he is right there. And even more stupid if I would actually think that he would want me to feed his animals for him so that he can go to bed. When he gets upset something about me is always stupid... my logic, my thoughts, my feelings, my conversation.

He has told me that if I talk to his "ex" (he wasn't ever married, had a daugther withhis "ex"when she got pregnant on their first date/time, and he HATES this woman) that our relationship will be over. She contacts me and invites me to do stuff and I tell her "no thank you". He gets so angry that I don't just ignore her totally. That seems so rude to me and that's not who I am. I don't see the harm in a polite reply to say no. His anger and hatred towards her almost broke us up this past weekend. Should I be concerened?

And he drives while drinking beer with his 12 yr old daughter in the car. He takes his showers with his bedroom and bathroom doors open while she is in the house and even when she has friends over. He walks from the bathroom to the bedroom w/o clothes on and if the daugther were to walk around the corner she would see everything. I have tried to tell him to close the doors and he tells me that it's no big deal, she's a kid, and doesn't have a perverted mind like I do. I almost think he wants her to see him.

I am so confused. I have been seperated/divorced for almost 7 years and this is the first man I have really dated and had any sort of boyfriend relationship with. He can be so kind and thoughtful, and then mean and hateful. And I am wondering if his lack of respect for the laws and modesty/privacy when his daughter is around is indicative of something deeper? I wish they had a situation about this in the article.... if he is angry and mean when he's been drinking, is that the real him?

Thanks.. any help is appreciated.

I need help/advice:

My boyfriend came home after a long day, and I went to his house to takehim dinner. He is tired and has had too much to drink while at a meeting. I am going outside to the barn anyway, and he asks if I will feed his horse and dog while I am outside. I say "sure". He gets mad and tells me I am f**king stupid if I would actually feed his animals for him when he is right there. And even more stupid if I would actually think that he would want me to feed his animals for him so that he can go to bed. When he gets upset something about me is always stupid... my logic, my thoughts, my feelings, my conversation.

He has told me that if I talk to his "ex" (he wasn't ever married, had a daugther withhis "ex"when she got pregnant on their first date/time, and he HATES this woman) that our relationship will be over. She contacts me and invites me to do stuff and I tell her "no thank you". He gets so angry that I don't just ignore her totally. That seems so rude to me and that's not who I am. I don't see the harm in a polite reply to say no. His anger and hatred towards her almost broke us up this past weekend. Should I be concerened?

And he drives while drinking beer with his 12 yr old daughter in the car. He takes his showers with his bedroom and bathroom doors open while she is in the house and even when she has friends over. He walks from the bathroom to the bedroom w/o clothes on and if the daugther were to walk around the corner she would see everything. I have tried to tell him to close the doors and he tells me that it's no big deal, she's a kid, and doesn't have a perverted mind like I do. I almost think he wants her to see him.

I am so confused. I have been seperated/divorced for almost 7 years and this is the first man I have really dated and had any sort of boyfriend relationship with. He can be so kind and thoughtful, and then mean and hateful. And I am wondering if his lack of respect for the laws and modesty/privacy when his daughter is around is indicative of something deeper? I wish they had a situation about this in the article.... if he is angry and mean when he's been drinking, is that the real him?

Thanks.. any help is appreciated.

I need help/advice:

My boyfriend came home after a long day, and I went to his house to takehim dinner. He is tired and has had too much to drink while at a meeting. I am going outside to the barn anyway, and he asks if I will feed his horse and dog while I am outside. I say "sure". He gets mad and tells me I am f**king stupid if I would actually feed his animals for him when he is right there. And even more stupid if I would actually think that he would want me to feed his animals for him so that he can go to bed. When he gets upset something about me is always stupid... my logic, my thoughts, my feelings, my conversation.

He has told me that if I talk to his "ex" (he wasn't ever married, had a daugther withhis "ex"when she got pregnant on their first date/time, and he HATES this woman) that our relationship will be over. She contacts me and invites me to do stuff and I tell her "no thank you". He gets so angry that I don't just ignore her totally. That seems so rude to me and that's not who I am. I don't see the harm in a polite reply to say no. His anger and hatred towards her almost broke us up this past weekend. Should I be concerened?

And he drives while drinking beer with his 12 yr old daughter in the car. He takes his showers with his bedroom and bathroom doors open while she is in the house and even when she has friends over. He walks from the bathroom to the bedroom w/o clothes on and if the daugther were to walk around the corner she would see everything. I have tried to tell him to close the doors and he tells me that it's no big deal, she's a kid, and doesn't have a perverted mind like I do. I almost think he wants her to see him.

I am so confused. I have been seperated/divorced for almost 7 years and this is the first man I have really dated and had any sort of boyfriend relationship with. He can be so kind and thoughtful, and then mean and hateful. And I am wondering if his lack of respect for the laws and modesty/privacy when his daughter is around is indicative of something deeper? I wish they had a situation about this in the article.... if he is angry and mean when he's been drinking, is that the real him?

Thanks.. any help is appreciated.

Marron777,

Run, not walk, away from that LOSER!! Anyone who calls you names and belittles youis a bad sign. He's not worth all the misery he may put you through if you were to marry him. Someone who treats you so bad now, may get physically abusive later. You deserve better. We all do. Remember, there are other fish in the sea, even if wedon't immediately see them. Good luck!

Hi, Marron.

Please get out of this situation.

In the first incident (feeding the animals), your boyfriend is manipulative and abusive. He tricks you into doing him a favor and then ridicules you for taking his request at face value. Creepy and cruel. Calling you stupid is an extra dose of abuse. And it's not the first time, is it? And it won't be the last.

In the second incident, he attempts to control who you can spend time with by using the trump card: ending the relationship. Anyone who uses dire threats of ending a relationship, killing themselves, or hurting you if you don't do what they say is a sadistic control freak. Period. All you have to look forward to is wondering which things he will forbid you to do in the future "or our relationship will be over."

In the third series of incidents, about the daughter, your concern is right on. He is behaving like an exhibitionist. Part of him does want her to "accidentally" see him naked. It is a fundamental boundary violation of parent to child. You are right to express your concern. And please pay attention to how he treats your concern. He does not respect that you are uncomfortable with his behavior; instead he calls you names.

And drinking with her in the car. You don't need any advice about that. You know he is playing with his daughter's life, and the lives of anyone who is driving on that road.

I am going to say some stuff right now that may not sound sympathetic. You are not confused. You know, I mean really know in your bones, that this man is serious trouble. He is destructive to you and to his daughter. You probably have known this for a while. And you probably have asked friends, and maybe posted on other online boards, for advice. I bet a number of people have told you that this man is abusive, manipulative, and possibly a little twisted in the head.

And yet I think that you "wait and see." You want more evidence, or more opinions. Maybe it's just when he's drinking, maybe he's "really" nice.

He's not really nice. You know that. If you stay, you're signing up for more.

I know that you might feel you need to "figure him out." Why does he do these things? What deep, dark secret does he have? If you only figure it out, you'll know how to get the best out of him.

That is a fantasy. And a waste of your time. Do not waste your time figuring this man out. Do not get further drawn into all the drama he creates. All those juicy stories -- like how his ex got pregnant on the first date and he hates her, etc etc. It's very exciting on some level to be involved in a soap opera. But it's not the sort of excitement you get from living a great life for yourself.

If you possibly can, cut off all contact. You don't need to "tell him what you think of him" or show him the error of his ways or tell him how much he hurt you with his cruelty. You need to get the hell away from him asap.

Also if you can, do not get drawn into commiserating with his ex about him. That's just more drama.

If you think his daughter is in danger, report him to child services and then let go.

Finally, as strongly as I believe that I'm giving sound advice, it is probable that you can't and shouldn't deal with this alone. Your very first and best step would be to reach out:

here's the website of al-anon, for friends and families of alcoholics (it does NOT matter whether this guy is or not -- your situation is exactly whet a lot of people from al-anon are dealing with, and you will get help)
http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/m...s/meeting.html

Here is the number for the national domestic hotline. You may not think you are experiencing domestic violence. You are. If you tell someone at this number your story, they will help you. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)