How much do looks matter to women?


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fanofsteel is offline fanofsteel Post #1  April 10,2010, 4:34am
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I'm a 35 year old guy. Several of my female friends say, "Looks aren't all that important to women; personality matters more to us." As a guy I've always wondered if that's really true, or just something women are kidding themselves about because they don't want to sound superficial. As guys, we want to believe it, but we don't really trust it to be true.

I would consider myself to be of average looks; I've dated my share of beautiful women who were attracted to me and I've also been rejected by women of average looks.

I'm not saying personality doesn't matter to women -- it matters to men too. But c'mon, really, looks don't matter? Ladies, enlighten me here.
 
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Mr79percent is offline Mr79percent Post #2  April 10,2010, 4:49am
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On an online dating site when women only have a few data points to make a decision...they are important.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #3  April 10,2010, 4:54am
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It comes down to individual preference.

Sure, I'll notice a good looking man, but that's all he is to me at that point: one good looking man.

Looks fade. We age, we get droopy and wrinkly and hair falls out and I don't know what else! lol He needs something other than looks to keep my attention.

So, while it may be his looks which attract me to him in the first instance, he needs to back it up. I tend to look for intelligence, humour and kindness pretty quickly.
 
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Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #4  April 10,2010, 4:59am
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fanofsteel wrote :
I'm a 35 year old guy. Several of my female friends say, "Looks aren't all that important to women; personality matters more to us." As a guy I've always wondered if that's really true, or just something women are kidding themselves about because they don't want to sound superficial. As guys, we want to believe it, but we don't really trust it to be true.

I would consider myself to be of average looks; I've dated my share of beautiful women who were attracted to me and I've also been rejected by women of average looks.

I'm not saying personality doesn't matter to women -- it matters to men too. But c'mon, really, looks don't matter? Ladies, enlighten me here.
Hi fanofsteel, and welcome to the boards!

You've actually kind of answered your own question up above there.

Like any other question, there isn't really one answer for all men or all women, but based on your own experience and happy couples I'm sure we've all seen in which one partner is more attractive than the other, it is NOT true that looks are the only or most important factor.

I wouldn't say looks don't matter at all- I wouldn't date someone I find physically repulsive and/or am just completely turned off by - but thinking back on the men I've been most attracted to in my life, I would have to say most would probably be categorized as average in looks. Likewise, I have seen many both online and off who would probably be rated as gorgeous by most women who just didn't do a thing for me.

Even the research that shows people tend to be attracted to mates of similar level of attractiveness also indicates that there are other important criteria.

And bottom line, research, as well as my own experience and that of many other women, shows that it is men who place greater importance on looks, and that they are more likely to expect to have a mate who is better looking and more fit than they are.

Good luck to you!
 
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phoenix888 is offline phoenix888 Post #5  April 10,2010, 5:01am
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I honestly have to say I have very rarely thought of a man as really unattractive. Usually, this centers around something in their personality. Then there are those who's looks have grown on me as I have gotten to know them.

Seriously, though... do guys ever experience this? If a beautiful woman says or does something horrible, do her looks get realigned in your mind?
 
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fanofsteel is offline fanofsteel Post #6  April 10,2010, 5:13am
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Work_in_Progress wrote :
And bottom line, research, as well as my own experience and that of many other women, shows that it is men who place greater importance on looks, and that they are more likely to expect to have a mate who is better looking and more fit than they are.
Oh, I'm not questioning that at all -- men are definitely more concerned with looks. I have no problem at all admitting that men are more superficial if we're talking about first impressions. At the level of "second impression" I think personality means more to a lot of guys than women appreciate, but yeah, it's mostly about looks at first. Not saying I'm proud of that; just sayin'.
 
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useakiss is offline useakiss Post #7  April 10,2010, 5:21am
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Personally, I find I have a "type" that instantly gets my attention. That type isn't necessarily what society considered the most handsome--in fact, it's rather "normal." It's not the pretty boys, it's the more plain look. To use celebrities as an example, I'd go for Harrison Ford (younger) over Brad Pitt any day--he's just my type. Now, I've dated outside what I considered my type. But it's the brown hair/brown eyes/standard physique that immediately catches my attention--if more comes out of it, that's totally up to how he acts, etc. It's not a guarantee of anything, of course.

And yes, there are some types that just do nothing for me on a visceral level. Redheads, for instance, just don't. I can't explain it, it's nothing personal, and maybe if I get to know the guy more and like his personality, I'm sure I'd get over that. I'm just talking at a base, primal level, it doesn't attract me.

Finally, how a guy grooms himself DOES make a difference, too. If he's sloppy in his looks, forget about it. I'm not looking to be his mother and tiddy him up. I also find thick moustaches/beards a bit of a turn-off, not sure why. I just prefer clean-shaven. I also prefer short hair--just long enough to run your fingers through. I wouldn't rule out bald (I know some very handsome men who are bald I wouldn't hesitate to date) but I can't stand the Homer-hanging-by-a-thread-or-two-of-hair look; that's an instant turn-off. Just OWN it and cut it off.

I realize this probably doesn't help. I'm just saying that while looks can matter (that instant attraction sort of thing), it's not an end-all situation and personally can make up the difference. How many men can say the same?
 
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fanofsteel is offline fanofsteel Post #8  April 10,2010, 5:24am
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phoenix888 wrote :
If a beautiful woman says or does something horrible, do her looks get realigned in your mind?
Ehh, looks are looks, and that perception doesn't usually change for me. However, her overall attractiveness certainly can be affected by her behavior. When I think of women who do "something horrible," I think of women I know who are bitchy or conceited. Or dishonest: I think of a girl I was dating about 5 years ago. She cheated on me, then lied about it, then admitted it, then apologized, then later did it again. I now consider her the very definition of evil, but still very hot.

More likely to affect a woman's overall attractiveness is if she has childish mannerisms (e.g., I once dated a 25 year old girl who would constantly twirl her hair like a third-grader -- not just every now and then, but almost all the time) or flaky behavior (can't make up their mind about anything).
 
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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #9  April 10,2010, 5:47am
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phoenix888 wrote :
Seriously, though... do guys ever experience this? If a beautiful woman says or does something horrible, do her looks get realigned in your mind?
Inverse, the more beautiful she is the less horrible her actions seem.
 
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Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #10  April 10,2010, 5:48am
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fanofsteel wrote :
Oh, I'm not questioning that at all -- men are definitely more concerned with looks. I have no problem at all admitting that men are more superficial if we're talking about first impressions. At the level of "second impression" I think personality means more to a lot of guys than women appreciate, but yeah, it's mostly about looks at first. Not saying I'm proud of that; just sayin'.

Yep, I get you, and I appreciate your honesty.

I actually do understand and appreciate (didn't when I was younger) that personality and other factors are important to men once they get past the looks. The same is true of women, but I think women are more likely to find an average looking guy attractive in the first place and give him a chance.

Speaking for myself, attractiveness is based on a "total package" impression, and includes things like sense of humor, character, confidence (not to be confused with arrogance), hygiene, communication skills, interests, and general demeanor.

Obviously all of this can't be detected in an online profile, but I do look at an entire profile to get as much a sense as I can of the person behind it before I am able to determine whether I'm interested, which is why bare profiles turn me off even when they are attached to great photos.
 
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