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eharmonyadvice eharmonyadvice is offline
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You are stuck between a rock and a hard place because one of your friends may be cheating on another one of your friends. Do you tell or keep your mouth shut?
- May 26th, 2008, 01:56 am
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dreamergal dreamergal is offline
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May be cheating? Or you know they are?

There lies the difference.

If I knew it as fact I would give the cheater one week to end the relationship and tell their spouse or I would tell them for him/her.

If I only suspected I would keep quiet.
- May 26th, 2008, 08:40 am
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steve54b steve54b is offline
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This article gives some good advice - but I have a VERY strong disagreement with the suggestion given in the case of the friend who was flirting with the drummer. The words that the author suggests one should use to confront the flirting friend come more from a place of anger and judgment than they do from caring and support, regardless of your motive for saying them. If, because she was drunk, or for whatever reason, Liz's judgment was impaired to the point of flirting with the drummer in that way, I'd expect that her reaction to the words suggested by the author is likely to be very defensive, because it would be difficult for her to hear those words as anything other than an attack - even though you are saying them because you are genuinely concerned about her and her relationship with Mike. It might work better to first try to coax her away from the drummer, suggesting that it's time to go home, because it's late, or you're tired, or whatever you need to say to persuade her to walk away from the situation - then take her aside and express your concerns in a way that makes it clear you're saying what you are saying because you care about her as a friend. For example, "Liz, it was really upsetting for me to see you flirting with the drummer like that. I don't know exactly why you were doing it, maybe because you were a little tipsy, or something's going on between you and Mike, or whatever. But I know that you love Mike, and your relationship with him is important to you, and I'm sure that the last thing you want to do would be to put your relationship in jeopardy. What made you want to flirt with like that? Is there something bothering you that you'd like to talk about? You know that I'm your friend and I'm here for you anytime you want to talk." That approach is much more likely to have her feel that you are coming from genuine concern for her, and gives her the space to think about what you've told her and about what she did, instead of feeling like you're just judging and criticizing her.
- May 26th, 2008, 02:23 pm
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Grumblebear Grumblebear is offline
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interesting article, harmless flirtations aren't something to worry about, but if a friend was actually cheating, I wouldn't cover for them, I wouldn't lie for them, and I probably would confront them and make them do the right thing
- May 26th, 2008, 05:21 pm
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angeniece angeniece is offline
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I lived this scenerio,a friend was cheating on his wife who was also a friend. I told him to tell her or I would- he refused. One night she called me in tears needing to know if he cheated. I told her he had, he was extremely angry with me. He stopped speaking to me and eventually so did she. My mother always told me never to be the one to break up a home, no good could ever come of it; wish I would have listened.
- May 26th, 2008, 06:21 pm
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Debra55414 Debra55414 is offline
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angeniece wrote :
I lived this scenerio,a friend was cheating on his wife who was also a friend. I told him to tell her or I would- he refused. One night she called me in tears needing to know if he cheated. I told her he had, he was extremely angry with me. He stopped speaking to me and eventually so did she. My mother always told me never to be the one to break up a home, no good could ever come of it; wish I would have listened.
Stop the horses! You did not break up a home! I mean, I know what you Mom means, but you were the only one with courage in that situation. If the situation had continued without her knowing, would you really want to be his friend? And how awful would it be for you to see his wife and 'know'?

I have also been in that situation, and tried to counsel my girlfriend to seek therapy and do what she can to repair what's wrong with her. But she was he!!bent on a path of destruction. I don't talk to her today, although I love her and want to talk to her. I really can't stand that someone I've known for 25 years could be so deceitful, malicious, and untruthful to everyone she loved most. I say what I mean and mean what I say and even if we spoke again I just dont' think I'd believe a word that comes out of her mouth.
- May 26th, 2008, 09:36 pm
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matched in '06 matched in '06 is offline
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When my good friend of several years and current roommate, who was going out of town, asked me to watch the mailbox and intercept any mail from his girlfriend-on-the-side and keep them out of the sight of his regular girlfriend, I simply exited the friendship. I chose that path for two reasons.

He was in his late 30's or early 40's and I didn't figure it was my job to teach him right from wrong; and if in the several years that we'd been good friends he hadn't learned that what he asked me to do was against my principles, then I was seriously mistaken as to the quality of our friendship and that in fact very little foundation existed for a continued friendship.

My only uncertainty was whether it was right to not say anything to either of the ladies involved. In the end I decided that we were all adults in our late 20's or older and it wasn't my job to teach either of the ladies to not be so naive. After all, until the catalytic event, I had been just as naive as anyone.
- May 28th, 2008, 07:39 am
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jay6248 jay6248 is offline
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Usually NO. However it depends on the circumstances.
- May 28th, 2008, 08:33 am
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David632 David632 is offline
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Yes! Always Yes! Are you their friend? Did you attend their wedding?

You are responcible for HELPING them keep their commitment to each other.

I does no good when someone cheats. Stop the cheating by telling.

How many times do you stand by and do nothing while they cheat? once? Twice? a Dozen times?
- May 28th, 2008, 09:56 am
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JMWTurnerFan JMWTurnerFan is offline
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Debra55414 wrote :
angeniece wrote :
I lived this scenerio, a friend was cheating on his wife who was also a friend. I told him to tell her or I would- he refused. One night she called me in tears needing to know if he cheated. I told her he had, he was extremely angry with me. He stopped speaking to me and eventually so did she. My mother always told me never to be the one to break up a home, no good could ever come of it; wish I would have listened.
Stop the horses! You did not break up a home! I mean, I know what you Mom means, but you were the only one with courage in that situation. If the situation had continued without her knowing, would you really want to be his friend? And how awful would it be for you to see his wife and 'know'?
That's right. It's not your fault. I couldn't talk to the person being cheated on in good conscience knowing what was going on; it makes you complicit (which is part of why cheating/betrayal is so vile). And if someone informed me that a significant other were cheating on me, I would appreciate it even that even though it meant death to the relationship--it's not the friend's fault that my partner is worthless. And, thankfully, I know that most of my friends would tell me without hesitation. If someone cheats and lets a third party know, they're automatically involving that party--it's their problem. It's just like the story above where the guy asked the poster here to pick up mail from the "other girlfriend." Simply knowing about the "other girlfriend" makes you involved. Bleh. Not a fun topic. And if you really hate disclosing, do so anonymously (but either include proof or details, so it'll be taken seriously).
- May 28th, 2008, 02:40 pm
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