Attractiveness: IS there a double standard?


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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  April 5,2010, 4:00pm
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OK, folks, I'm going to preface this by saying that YES, this could be a hot topic. But that does NOT mean we can't discuss it respectfully. Thanks in advance for keeping this in mind.

I've seen this discussed in passing in other threads but don't recall a thread about this specific topic.

In reading one of my favorite websites (PostSecret.com) this week, I saw the below postcard that was sent in and it made me wonder, is this just a preference thing or is there more to it than that?



I've seen this specific sentiment expressed before, along with shorter women who will only date guys of a certain (much taller than them) height or taller.

So...is this really just a matter or preference, or are there unfair double standards at play here?

If it's the latter -- what, if anything, can we do about it?

Looking forward to a respectful, interesting and productive discussion.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #2  April 5,2010, 4:16pm
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I think attractiveness is a preference.

I think that some people (of both genders) are unable to see when their preference is blatantly a double standard. And then wonder why others find their preference offensive.
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #3  April 5,2010, 4:23pm

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eHA_Admin_Lori wrote :
OK, folks, I'm going to preface this by saying that YES, this could be a hot topic. But that does NOT mean we can't discuss it respectfully. Thanks in advance for keeping this in mind.

I've seen this discussed in passing in other threads but don't recall a thread about this specific topic.

In reading one of my favorite websites (PostSecret.com) this week, I saw the below postcard that was sent in and it made me wonder, is this just a preference thing or is there more to it than that?



I've seen this specific sentiment expressed before, along with shorter women who will only date guys of a certain (much taller than them) height or taller.

So...is this really just a matter or preference, or are there unfair double standards at play here?

If it's the latter -- what, if anything, can we do about it?

Looking forward to a respectful, interesting and productive discussion.
I have no idea about other people, but my aversion to overweight women isn't a double standard. I'm 5'11" and 170lbs and I work out 10-12 hours a week. I don't ask that a woman be supermodel thin, I just don't have much tolerance for someone who refuses to at least take care of their body. Except for a few extremely rare cases pretty much anyone can keep their physical fitness within reason. (a 5'2" woman shouldn't weigh as much as I do, or even within 40 lbs of it)

So much like anything else, there are those with double standards for everything, but you can't paint everyone over with the same brush stroke.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #4  April 5,2010, 4:43pm
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hankscorpio wrote :
I have no idea about other people, but my aversion to overweight women isn't a double standard. I'm 5'11" and 170lbs and I work out 10-12 hours a week. I don't ask that a woman be supermodel thin, I just don't have much tolerance for someone who refuses to at least take care of their body. Except for a few extremely rare cases pretty much anyone can keep their physical fitness within reason. (a 5'2" woman shouldn't weigh as much as I do, or even within 40 lbs of it)

So much like anything else, there are those with double standards for everything, but you can't paint everyone over with the same brush stroke.
The postcard scenario - now that I would say is a double standard. Unless the guy is all muscle (and that's A LOT of muscle!), then telling his girlfriend she is fat when she is less than half his weight ... kinda hard to see how he is not invoking a double standard.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #5  April 5,2010, 4:47pm
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eHA_Admin_Lori wrote :

So...is this really just a matter or preference, or are there unfair double standards at play here?

If it's the latter -- what, if anything, can we do about it?
Perhaps defining what a double standard is to each of us would be a starting point. For me, I believe I am using a double standard when the measure I am using to gauge attractiveness, does not bear inspection against myself.

Example: I have never attended Uni. I believe it would be a double standard for me to refuse to date men who also never attended Uni.

Double standards: I think they are often portrayed as something physical, when they can be anything the individual can dream up.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  April 5,2010, 4:48pm
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There are also plenty of guys out there that want women that look like models that are not at all attractive. Or marginally so.

I've lost count of the times when I hear some of the most unattractive men bash women for just being average.
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #7  April 5,2010, 4:50pm

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meri75 wrote :
The postcard scenario - now that I would say is a double standard. Unless the guy is all muscle (and that's A LOT of muscle!), then telling his girlfriend she is fat when she is less than half his weight ... kinda hard to see how he is not invoking a double standard.
Agreed. I think it's up to each to find their own happiness and establish their own standards.

Honestly if a 300 lb guy can find a cute healthy girl who likes 300 lb guys and that guy only wants to date cute healthy girls then I can understand him letting her know if she's letting herself go. Yeah, it seems chauvinistic, but the girl accepted the guy as 300 lbs, and he accepted her as healthy.

Of course it's always within her power to DTMFA and move on to a guy who isn't obese.
 
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TXButtercup is offline TXButtercup Post #8  April 5,2010, 5:40pm
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Lori - you are a brave woman!
------------------------------------------------
I have heard a significant number of comments such as expressed by Nanette. I can understand the frustration for women because it sometimes confuses me. As a matter of fact, I have been thinking about starting a thread for a while wondering if women who don't meet the basic "must be really hot" standard should just expend their energies on something else besides dating.

Why? Because the difference is that in the majority of cases, women seem to be (from statements on these boards) willing to give men that don't appeal to them physically a chance. They are willing to at least go on the first date, have the communication - to see if there is more to the person. I know I have. I haven't closed one person for appearance (not so far).

For men, it seems that there will be no chance unless the hotness barometer is met.

Now some people can exercise and work at things that help them have a better physique (though they may not ever have the basics to be hot by the measure of models), but what if they don't have the whole package in terms of beauty?

Am I being too picky if I want an active guy because I work out and stay active no matter how I look? Is that me playing into the phrase I have heard over and over "women are unwilling to settle for the 80% that could make them happy"?

If a woman were to get surgery, lose weight...whatever....to meet the hotness criteria, should she then be able to demand a similarly hot mate?

I haven't seen the criticism of men on the boards for not being willing to settle on the looks issue the way I have seen of women - with assumptions about issues like height. Now to be fair I haven't been here that long, and since I am female, perhaps that stands out to me more. So on this settling thing, and in particular with regards to appearance, it does seem there could be a double standard in more than a few cases.

This is a topic that intrigues me and has been on my brain a lot. I don't know the answers so I hope nothing I said came across as assumptions. It is more me wondering out loud about this topic and wishing to know the answers.
Last edited by TXButtercup; April 5,2010 at 5:45pm. Reason: fixing....still not sure I have this right.....I want to have a real conversation about this without the war....
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  April 5,2010, 6:16pm
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The whole looks thing is why, when I see men (on here and elsewhere) criticizing women for looks, I ask to see a picture of them. I want to be able to assess for myself if they should (in my opinion, of course) be able to demand what they seem to be demanding.

I see a lot of relatively "fit" men at the gym or wherever that are not attractive, but demand someone extremely attractive. Conversely, so many truly hot men are not highly critical of appearance (although they still may have high standards for what they find appealing). This is really what miffs me.

I would accept a guy that is less active than I am if he is heavier in things that are more enduring that are really important to me. I'd say the same thing about looks, too. Like I said in another thread I would take a 4 in looks that was a 10 in funniness and personality. Even if he didnt have big bucks.

Women are pretty continually told that men want smart women, and I believe this, but you have to be super woman. You have to be gorgeous and have a decent job because he doesnt want to support you. It's why I asked precisely why do I need a man in another thread? I have to provide for myself and be self-sufficient then I can do without, right? I have to hold a certain standard of appearance or I would get dumped. Yeah thats "love" for ya!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  April 5,2010, 6:34pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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The thing is.....people find certain things attractive in members of the opposite sex, whether they have these qualities or not. When men or women become overweight or obese who they find attractive in the opposite sex probably doesn't change with their own overweightness.

That being the case, to say there shouldn't be a 'double standard' is to say that these people shouldn't try to get a partner that they find attractive. They may or may not actually be able to find a non-overweight partner.....but that is another issue.
 
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