dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #1  April 3,2010, 7:42am
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and I see your true colors shining through...

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I haven't been posting on the boards very long, but I have been lurking here forever. One of the things I have noticed from some of the posters is that so many of their posts, newbies and vets alike, are so filled with bitterness and anger at the opposite sex.

I am going to be 38 at the end of the month. I've never been married, been engaged once. I've been ripped apart by some of the guys I have dated. Cheaters, abusers, wimps, selfish jerks. I have also dated some really truly, great guys. Yes, I am still single, mostly by choice at this point. But one thing I have never done is let all that beat me down to the point where I take it out on everyone, especially the opposite sex, and just give up. Believe me, there were days when I got hit with moments of hopelessness, but I never let it control my life. I picked myself up and moved on.

Life is too short to be so bitter. I try to look for the best in things, try to make positive outcomes out of negative situations. The one thing I have learned is that you can't count on someone else for your own happiness. You make your own, no one can do it for you.

So... you have had bad experiences with dating, with the opposite sex. People can feel that bitterness in you. It repels. It certainly doesn't attract. Confidence is certainly more attractive than someone constantly complaining or giving off that 'whoas me" vibe.

It makes me sad and disappointed to see how some of the posters here respond to others. You are doing the OP's and other posters a disservice, and yourself a disservice, by letting that venom, depression, bitterness, etc... bleed into your posts. You aren't helping. You could be hurting, though. And you are certainly being selfish. It's one thing to let experience guide you, it's another thing to drag company into your misery. Your misery may enjoy the company, but the people you are pulling down with you certainly don't.



Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which WE think and feel and do, first for the other fellow and then for ourselves. ~ Helen Keller
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #2  April 3,2010, 8:15am
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would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

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Great post! Thank you so much for sharing this!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  April 3,2010, 8:22am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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dazedconfuzed wrote :
It makes me sad and disappointed to see how some of the posters here respond to others. You are doing the OP's and other posters a disservice, and yourself a disservice, by letting that venom, depression, bitterness, etc... bleed into your posts. You aren't helping. You could be hurting, though. And you are certainly being selfish. It's one thing to let experience guide you, it's another thing to drag company into your misery. Your misery may enjoy the company, but the people you are pulling down with you certainly don't.
I agree that this happens regularly. I think you're more of a caring person than I am though, because I really don't mind it. Other people's bitterness doesn't bother me. When I see it sometimes I will comment on it....but seldom do these people really see it. They just consider they are 'being honest' or some other justification. It's kind of sad because, as you say, it almost certainly does affect their lives (including their dating lives) in a negative way. It's no skin off my nose though.
 
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Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #4  April 3,2010, 8:36am
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Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. ~ Dalai Lama

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Thanks for a great post, dazedconfused. Though I've talked to some great guys in my time online, I've also noticed there are many in my age range who are very bitter and jaded toward women in general because of their past marriage/s and relationship/s, and I don't get it. (And, yes, I realize there are women who fit this description, as well.)

It's the past - time to leave it there, take whatever lessons can be learned from those experiences, and carry them forward to create better/healthier relationships now and in the future.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #5  April 3,2010, 9:05am
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I have a book on Native Amerian spirituality that was gifted to me by a friend many years ago. It's called Seven Arrows. There's no point to that other than to lead in to her inscription in the book. She said "There is only one lesson to learn in this life. We are all involved in this life no matter what level each is on." I try to remember those words when I encounter the bitter and disenfranchised (with varying degrees of success). While I try to limit negative and bitter people in my own life, I recognize that this is the path they are walking now. I know that this is a choice. I fervently hope that at some point they come to see that this is a choice and choose differently. That, and trying to live by example, is all that I can do.

We are, each of us, responsible for our own choices, whether we acknowledge that responsibility or not, including the choice to let another's negativity and bitterness affect us. I see some of the pain that is caused here - but I see it as a combination of someone being bitter and someone else allowing it to negatively impact them. It is a dance that some choose...whether they do so with awareness or not.

I have also seen this community rally and show great compassion and wisdom in many cases. This is what I choose to focus on - that we are capable and caring and that, overall, the impact of that is greater to the vast majority than the impact of a few who cannot find their way out of their self-imposed prison. Given enough time and exposure, others can see their bars as well, and understand that the place they are coming from is not a healthy one. There is light and there is dark, and there is value in both. But it requires someone with their own source of light to travel safely in the dark.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; April 3,2010 at 9:09am.
 
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dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #6  April 3,2010, 9:43am
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JayJay, yes, I am a very caring person. Empathetic and sympathetic, but not to a point where I let it affect me negatively. Why some of the posts make me sad is that I see people come here for advice, people who are down and may not have anyone to talk to and they come here, seeking others who may be in the same place they are, or may have been. They are seeking assurance and advice and support. Then I see the attacks. The anger. The bitterness. Why is it necessary? If people want to be negative about their own lives, more power to them, but they should certainly leave others alone. I try very hard to subscribe to the notion, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". There is a difference between constructive criticism, and downright nastiness. If someone can't contribute something useful, why say anything at all? *shrugs*

Monkey, your posts are very thoughtful and compassionate. I understand your point about choosing to let someone else affect you, it's just that when there is an open or tender wound, sometimes it's hard to deflect the hurt. Not everyone has a thick skin. Your entire last paragraph is wonderfully stated. And I agree, people CAN come together in compassion. It's an amazing thing to see happen.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  April 3,2010, 10:12am
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Thank you for this post, DazedConfused ... when I meet up with this bitterness on these boards, I just turn away from it, don't want to engage.

I don't do that IRL (except with people who physically scare me!) -- so why do I do it here? It's kind of callous.

I think I will see if I can take the bitterness in a different light and perhaps respond differently.

Thanks!
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #8  April 3,2010, 11:12am

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Hi Dazed..I really do hear you...this place has become a real bummer to read sometimes. All the generalizations and negative posts make me wonder why some of these guys want to even date? And who would want to date tthem, either? I see the same thing from some women-warnings about predatory men everywhere, fearmongering it's called. It doesn't apply to every man or woman-really!

As has been said, it's best to try and ignore those posters. You can put people who continually post negative comments on ignore if you want-though it means some threads are choppy to read, sometimes it's better than hearing the same old complaints from the same people.

Like everyone else, I've had my ups and downs-more than a few of them. It would be easy for me to blame all men for the actions of a few but I know - I believe in my heart -that most men aren't predatory sex addict motived by anger and alcohol...just a few rotten apples doesn't spoil my barrel!

Keep up your positive viewpoint and don't let 'em get you down.
 
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saturated is offline saturated Post #9  April 3,2010, 11:59am
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Life is a gift and it is given to us for a short time, don't loose energy or time on those thoughts if they get you down, people are the way they are cause they choose to be that way, eventually they'll come around and make them a better person.

The way I see it is that for every person that I see feels angry and miserable I count my blessings and feel compassion for them because they don't see any further than their nose and I don't.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #10  April 3,2010, 12:20pm
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dazedconfuzed wrote :
[snipped]
Monkey, your posts are very thoughtful and compassionate. I understand your point about choosing to let someone else affect you, it's just that when there is an open or tender wound, sometimes it's hard to deflect the hurt. Not everyone has a thick skin. Your entire last paragraph is wonderfully stated. And I agree, people CAN come together in compassion. It's an amazing thing to see happen.
I understand your point about seeing someone who is clearly tender or a bit raw being savaged, or just spoken to thoughtlessly. Still, the only thing I can control is what I say and do. You'll see me sometimes go into a bit of defender mode when I see someone who is determined to blame a victim or to post from their (in my view, twisted) perspective that might do harm. Or even when I see someone who seems so entrenched in their own denial and perspective that I think they are doing themselves harm. But I cannot change them - either make them happier or make them quiet. Well, most of the time at least. And it's good to remember that even that jaded bitterness comes from a place of pain...that the need to do harm to others is occasionally caused simply by the selfish and sometimes sociopathic urges, but more often it is just ingrained fear that has turned into anger as a means of protection.

Some people are just mean. Often enough that I wonder why they're here and why they bother to try and date. But that's their path - where they are in their life experience and while I don't have to tolerate their abuse (or stand by while they abuse someone else) I also struggle to honor that this is where they are and how they choose to exist.

Then there are the days when I just seriously want to say "You're an idiot" after every third post, but that would make me no better than some of them and quite possibly cut me off from the wonders of this community, so I refrain. It is not goodness or compassion on my part sometime that causes me to behave. It is fear of loss.
 
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