Mr_B is offline Mr_B Post #1  April 1,2010, 6:08pm
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Hello everyone,

(I hope I am posting this in the right forum!)

I am recently separated and have come to these boards for advice and hopefully a little encouragement.

While I have not been separated that long (about 3 months) I am feeling very lonely; lacking adult conversation. While I do have friends, some very good friends in fact, I find that being "the single one" I am sort of a third wheel.

I am still recovering from my ex leaving me after 15 years together, but I often wonder about the future and it kind of scares me right now. I hope this doesn't make me sound like any less of a man, but I sometimes wonder if I even have it in me to eventually find someone else.

I have absolutely no clue as to where to start. I have not dated in that amount of time and wonder if I even have a chance to find someone else.

My question is have any of you gone through similar situations? While I realize that each person will experience their own unique version of what I am going through, what can you tell me that might help me out a little?

I ask because I want to hope for the future. It's hard right now and while I am encouraged by some of the things I have read on these boards, I feel much doubt about myself since this whole thing started.

Does this get easier? How long does it take? What can I do to make this process easier?

I am normally confident and smiles. But three months later, I am still not me.

I'm really sorry if I am bringing everyone down here. If that's the case, I can move on.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #2  April 1,2010, 6:23pm
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Toodles, sayonara, and happy trails! Wishing everyone luck and love...

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Welcome to the boards, Mr B!

I think you'll find that there are quite a few people here who have been in your shoes and can offer you some (hopefully) helpful advice and encouragement.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  April 2,2010, 6:41am
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I wonder if NearDC has any advice to give?
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #4  April 2,2010, 1:18pm

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Welcome to the madness of eHA-
as for your questions..I suspect most of us have wondered the same kind of thing.

Will I ever date again? Can I find someone to be with for the rest of my life? How can I not make the same mistake again? Does it get easier?

Things change. Easier? Sometimes but it takes time to get over the miseries of divorce and to develop trust in the opposite sex again.

I encourage you to not look quickly at finding a new mate, but instead to develop friends and have social interaction in groups for a while. You might be pretty tender now and dating itself is tough on the ego.

You might consider some brief therapy to bring yourself around, if you find depression to be creeping into your life. I found it helpful and practical and I learned tools to cope with the dating cycles.

Hang around here, read what others are doing, join a group of like minded people if you want to. There are groups on everything from religion to politics to creative writing. There are mens point of view groups too where you can ask guy questions...women post there too and we try to be open and gentle when we do.

Takes time...but everything does, so what else are ya going to do?

Oh-ignore the frog.
 
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newbie40something is offline newbie40something Post #5  April 2,2010, 1:47pm
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Hi MrB.....I really wanted to post in your thread.......I definitely understand the pain you are going through right now.

It will get better..........with time!

My husband asked for a divorce after 20 years. Yes, there were things in our marriage that I knew was slowly destroying it. But, it doesn't lessen the pain. He was very cold about it and didn't really seem to care about how it made me feel. He continued to go out and have fun with his friends, buy a new truck, hide his inheritance, throw parties, etc....

I moved out December 10th of 2008 and when my daughter went over to his house (our house) he had 2 other friends there celebrating with him. Both had initiated divorces at the same time. It was like the Divorcing Husbands Club.

Anyway, all the while I was going through excruciating pain and feeling like I was just thrown away.

I don't really want to bring any of this up, except to tell you that I had to go through that pain, get it out, talk about it to my friends, let them take me out, etc.

It took me until September (when my divorce became final) to feel like I actually even wanted to date someone. At that point, I became more confident with myself and really became more focused on what I wanted. I was able to put him behind me and actually, sincerely, became glad that I was no longer in that marriage. It didn't mean I wasn't still sad that it had to end, but I was open to making myself happy again.

I am still working on finding someone, but, someone recently told me that it will happen. Most likely when I least expect it.

So.....you are in the beginning stages. Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to vent. Please, find some friends that will say "Hey, let's get out and do something." Or......tell yourself "I'm going to get out and do something fun today."

I wish you well and hope you can find some peace.

You can always PM me if you need to talk.

Smile!
 
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Mr_B is offline Mr_B Post #6  April 2,2010, 5:51pm
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Thank you all very much for your replies. Newbie hit the nail on the head - I feel as though I was thrown away while feeling excruciating pain, as if the last 15 years meant absolutely nothing.

I was recently told by a very close friend who had experienced this 20 years ago that she (my ex) is now in "denial phase" in that, she will attempt to live as though the last 15 years hadn't happened. This, for me is salt in the wound. Even if I was the one who was not happy and had initiated the separation, I, as a person could not treat someone that way. Like garbage.

I suppose however, that as far as these situations go, it has remained civil enough, albeit, cold. She's all of a sudden a totally different person. The only reason we need to talk (or in our case, text) is because of the kids.

In any case, I very much appreciate the replies. I haven't really told anyone how I have been feeling, not even family or friends except to basically acknowledge that this is happening. I've kept it bottled up inside of me and it's good to be able to vent a little.

As it is right now, I don't feel like dating either. Like I mentioned, I am feeling much doubt and confusion; like I am simply not meant to be in a long term relationship.

I always thought I was doing the right things: provide for my family, be faithful to - and love my wife. Respect her. I didn't smother her, but always attempted to show care and compassion. I always recommended she go out with her friends and sisters to get out of the house - a night away from the kids whenever she felt like it. I felt as though I did my fair share of household duties and taking care of the kids. I just don't get it.

The only thing I can think of is that people must change. Especially over such a long period of time. There was likely nothing I could ever have done about it. No matter what I did or did not do, this was going to happen. And if that's true, then what's the point of ever being in a LTR? So confused.

I realize that I have touched on and in some cases come off as disregarding what I've been told in this thread. Allow me to assure you that this is not the case.

This is just what I am feeling. Thoughts I continue to think even though I am trying to suppress them and move on.

I know I sound angry and I am rambling. It's just a good feeling to get it out lol - sorry.

Thank you for the warm welcome and support. I think I will stick around and get to know you all a little better.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #7  April 2,2010, 6:11pm
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Mr_B wrote :
As it is right now, I don't feel like dating either. Like I mentioned, I am feeling much doubt and confusion; like I am simply not meant to be in a long term relationship.

This is just what I am feeling. Thoughts I continue to think even though I am trying to suppress them and move on.

I know I sound angry and I am rambling. It's just a good feeling to get it out lol - sorry.

Thank you for the warm welcome and support. I think I will stick around and get to know you all a little better.
Welcome Mr_B! It's okay to feel that you don't want to date or that you're not ready to date. I've never been in a marriage or a LTR of more than two years, I remember how disheartening it was after my last LTR ended. I can't imagine what it must be like after a marriage separation/divorce or the loss of one's partner scenarios.

One thing that may be worthwhile considering (only when you are ready!) is whether or not you wish to wait until you are divorced (if there is no reconciliation in your future) prior to actively dating. If you have a look at some threads under the Dating and Relationship forums, you'll see that people hold very mixed opinions as to whether or not they would date a man/woman whose status is separated.

I think it is healthier for you speak out your feelings rather than hold them in. There is a group here called What Makes Us Tick - some of the threads may be interesting reading for you.
 
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a_good_man is offline a_good_man Post #8  April 2,2010, 10:32pm
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ditto
 
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newbie40something is offline newbie40something Post #9  April 3,2010, 11:55am
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MrB.....I'm glad you were able to vent a little here. It does a soul good.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

It will take time, but it will get better.

Remember, get yourself out and have fun sometimes.

Laughter and humor has gotten me through a lot.!

Take Care!!!!
 
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DrTonya is offline DrTonya Post #10  April 3,2010, 1:13pm
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I just wanted to say welcome Mr B!

I have never been married but have experienced (as we all have) my share of heart ache. Comes with the territory of experiencing being in love, no?

I would encourage you to keep posting - this is a good place to vent about your feelings/experiences. I would just caution you to date/seek out a new relationship only when *you* feel ready and not when someone else tells you that you *should* be ready.

The posters above me are wise women who have given you some great advice. I encourage you to keep reading and posting. This is a great community here - welcome!
 
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