How much should someone change?


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TXButtercup is offline TXButtercup Post #11  March 13,2010, 9:20pm
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Capt_L_Mandrake wrote :
How much should someone change themselves in order to really attract someone for dating? I have been struggling with question myself for a very long time. I’m talking about, hobbies, weight, social life, friend’s ext… anything you can think of. (I kind of would like this to evolve into a discussion)
I find this interesting to think about as well, and have found myself wondering about similar ideas. Partially because it is part of my basic makeup to want to continually grow as a person, and partially because of comments I have found in articles, during conversations and on advice sites like this after I moved toward meeting people again.

I am comfortable with who I am. I have a good number of friends. I stay busy and am rarely bored. I have been successful in my career. However, it does seem that with the standards (some of which are more universal than others) expressed, one might severely limit their chance of success in even having a chance to meet a good match if efforts aren't made. And this causes some consternation for me because some "requirements" seem so much more superficial to me than others. And then that starts another whole thought process for me about my willingness to be flexible in my "requirements" (which I have been) if I have to change to even be given a chance.

I don't know the answer to these things yet, but like you, I am thinking and weighing the value of the options. As others have expressed, if there are things we want to work on as part of our goals for our own life and not just for mate acceptability, we should move forward with those. Most people find great happiness in meeting goals and achieving growth they desired, and that alone is an attractive quality I find.


Capt_L_Mandrake wrote :
As to why I’m asking this… I have a few issues within my own life that I am trying to correct in order to me a more open person. I’m very introverted – I tend to not like social gatherings at all, and keep a very close group of friends that have remained my friends for over 10 years. Problem being they are even more anti-social than I am, (And I mean to the point that I am 1 of the 3 people that they talk to that is not family) and when I do get myself to go to a party/bonfire ext. I end up being a bit anxious as I’ll only know a few people as acquaintances. My friends are great friends still (I would never question there unwavering loyalty) but I’m trying to figure out what to change about myself to get out and meet more people. I’m always told as advice to “be myself’ yet me being myself (or my most natural state/most comfortable place to be) leads to me being at my best friends house hanging out with the guys and not meeting anyone else.
This particular piece seems more difficult. I am an extrovert. And I have successfully dated a few introverts, but it has required adaptation on my part for the very reason you state. The activities that "light me up" and give me energy tend to completely sap the introvert. My partners were willing to adapt too, meaning they were willing to engage in lively conversations to a point or go to parties with me, if they could get some recharge time as well.

This can be difficult in a relationship, and I wonder if you really want to put yourself through this? What type of mate would you be happier spending time with? Given what you describe as your natural preference, would you be willing to make concessions as I have described in order to be in a long term relationship with an extrovert? What you answer will affect what types of activities you might participate in and locations you might go to meet people most compatible with you and the lifestyle you desire.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #12  March 14,2010, 8:02am
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I, too, am an introvert, although without the social anxiety.

I find it more useful to find people who suit my lifestyle than to try and change integral parts of my personality. I've dated extreme extroverts and there always comes a times when it becomes an issue.

For social anxiety, you should do the work for your own benefit, not to attract a mate. We all have that little flutter of fear about talking to a stranger with intent. The idea that we might put ourselves out there and be rejected is a difficult one.

Any relationship requires major change on the part of both people, but it should be done with the idea of growing/maintaining the relationship, and it should be a mutual effort. I will not change to suit someone else's arbitrary or selfish idea of who I should be, but if a partner proved compatible in most ways, I would make the effort to make changes to make it work.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; March 14,2010 at 12:35pm.
 
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