AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  February 15,2010, 10:20am
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I know the discussion of people not wanting to date others who have children has been discussed extensively here on the boards. But what about wanting a partner only if they have children? Whether they be young or old.

I recently asked a friend if I could introduce her to someone. We chatted about his attributes and she seemed interested, until I told her he didn't have any children.

Flat out NO!

She claimed that she was done dating men who never had a child because they couldn't understand her as a parent. They were too much trouble to deal with, because their expectations of her time were too great. Granted, she dated a man for almost four years who was a jerk about her kids. But, I was still surprised at her adamant refusal to even consider meeting this man.

For us parents on the boards I'm posing the question. Is NOT having children a deal breaker? I'm not talking about the 40 somethings who never got married, etc. I'm talking about someone who has many favorable qualities as a mate, but they have never had a child.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #2  February 15,2010, 10:29am
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AndieIsMe wrote :
I recently asked a friend if I could introduce her to someone. We chatted about his attributes and she seemed interested, until I told her he didn't have any children.

Flat out NO!

She claimed that she was done dating men who never had a child because they couldn't understand her as a parent. They were too much trouble to deal with, because their expectations of her time were too great. Granted, she dated a man for almost four years who was a jerk about her kids. But, I was still surprised at her adamant refusal to even consider meeting this man.
I think that's sad, but she has the right to make that choice.

Just because someone doesn't have kids yet doesn't mean they don't like kids or would be a lousy parent or can't accept someone else's kids.

I don't have any kids because I haven't been married. It sounds like your friend would see me as more desirable if I'd had a couple of kids out of wedlock. How messed up is that?

Someone without kids may actually be a better match for her, since he may be more likely to defer to her parenting expertise, rather than already have his own parenting style that clashes with hers.

Then there's the fact that no kids means no ex to argue with about the kids.
 
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SweetKatieA is offline SweetKatieA Post #3  February 15,2010, 10:37am
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Anyone who has preconcieved ideas about another person before they meet them that make them say a flat out No... makes the dating pool for them that much smaller. They're possibly missing out on their "one and only" that way. I've had a few myself that I've seen from the outside because of these boards that I've gotten rid of. You have to go into dating with an open mind. Otherwise... you just waste your time. I wish your friend the best of luck though.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  February 15,2010, 10:40am
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well-reasoned post from mrflyer.

Another thing, is that attributes like "demands on her time" should be checked directly, since they can be checked directly, and not assumed.

I don't have children, yet I do not put demands on my partners.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #5  February 15,2010, 11:43am

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Just because some does or does not have kids, does not mean that they will do or know what is best for a child.

My ex has a son. When we first dated, plans got suddenly canceled because he would unexpectedly have his son. I understood when that happened. And as we dated more, it was no big deal when that happened since I saw him with or without his son at that point.

Just because someone does not have kids does not mean they won't be a good match. And just because someone does have kids does not mean they will be good match.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #6  February 15,2010, 12:10pm
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For some reason, I've ended up dating a lot of men who never had kids of their own, but took on their ex's kids as a stepdad. In many cases, they tried so hard to prove themselves that the kids ended up turning to them in a crisis instead of their natural parents.

I just don't see assuming someone couldn't be a good (step)parent just because they've never had kids of their own, but I guess it's her decision and her loss.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #7  February 15,2010, 12:49pm
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I understand there may be concers with a guy that doesnt have children. But at least give him a chance to prove himself.

I dont have kids but I am great with kids.

I have 2 nephews who are almost 12 and 6 who I adore and try to see as much as possible. I am really close to them. I travel to my brothers just to see them because I want to be close to them.

I also have many friends who have children who range from their early 20s to toddlers and when I see the kids I am great with them.

I dont know what experience she had in the past but it is not a good sample. I wonder if there is a common piece with these men she has experience with to explain this behavior.

I understand some men are not familiar with the responsibility with children...They tend to be more younger, they dont have close friends who have children.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  February 15,2010, 1:46pm
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Ok, so her experience with her last BF was a bit extreme. He didn't have any children yet was always telling her "how" she should do things. How she should discipline, how she should talk to them, how to do this, how to do that. The first time I met him I got an earful. Did not like the man.

So, I think she may be scared a man will behave in the same way if he hasn't had the experiences a parent has had.

The man I wanted to introduce her to is intelligent, down to earth and (IMO) would be a good match for her.

I've met more men who don't want to date a woman with children than I have the reverse. I just found it interesting, because there are some men who cannot even have children.
 
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richey is online now richey Post #9  February 15,2010, 1:57pm
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Sounds to me like.... (and maybe you can verify this).. .she's having a hard time being a mother and maybe may feel she's not doing well ~ and thus soembody coming through with suggestions is threatening to her.

So her "want somebodythat understands kids" is really saying, "i want somebody who has had kids and understands how hard it is and can understand why I'm an imperfect mother?"

That's just my guess.

Richey
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  February 15,2010, 2:16pm
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richey wrote :
Sounds to me like.... (and maybe you can verify this).. .she's having a hard time being a mother and maybe may feel she's not doing well ~ and thus soembody coming through with suggestions is threatening to her.

So her "want somebodythat understands kids" is really saying, "i want somebody who has had kids and understands how hard it is and can understand why I'm an imperfect mother?"

That's just my guess.

Richey
Oh no! Not at all! She is an amazing parent! I envy her ability to do all she does, frankly.

Believe me when I say, the man she was dating had some pretty screwed up ideas on how to be a parent. It was also more than that, he treated her son's like 2nd class citizens. What they had to say didn't matter (at times). What they wanted should be put on the back burner for what the two of them wanted. He is a very selfish person.
 
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