Being Okay with Being Single


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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #21  February 16,2010, 1:06pm
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StuckOnYou wrote :
And when I have been single, I've never thought of it as out there being "The One", but rather as out there were any number of women with whom I could have a happy and satisfying life. Not really sure why I thought like this because I'm not really otherwise what you'd call an optimist.

Perhaps this mindset made me just flexible enough in considering other partners to lead to successful LTRs.
I agree- the idea that there's exactly one person out there who we're meant to find is a bit out there for me. What are the odds you'd ever meet the person? And what if they weren't available when you met them?
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #22  February 16,2010, 5:12pm
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StuckOnYou wrote :
I have never liked being single, but I never really assumed it was going to be permanent. And when I have been single, I've never thought of it as out there being "The One", but rather as out there were any number of women with whom I could have a happy and satisfying life. Not really sure why I thought like this because I'm not really otherwise what you'd call an optimist.

Perhaps this mindset made me just flexible enough in considering other partners to lead to successful LTRs.
maybe my driveby post wasn't too well thought out, but I wasn't meaning "The One" as in some mystical one and only out of millions that yer destined to be with. I don't really believe in that. I totally agree that there are probably any number of men who would fit me out there somewhere. But, eventually, I'm going to pick only one of them for a long-term relationship and it's too confusing to think of them in multiple lol.
 
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Estarriol1138 is offline Estarriol1138 Post #23  February 16,2010, 6:33pm
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TheWriteStuff wrote :
I'll admit, I have a HUGE problem with this. I'm 25 and have had two serious boyfriends so far. One lasted for about 7 months, the other lasted for a little over a year. I've had interests in other people, but those are the only guys I've had a "real" relationship with. I am also picky, but I am trying to be more open....not lowering my standards but more open about who I let in.

However, I am NOT okay with being single. In fact, I hate it. I hate it so much that I really miss my second ex right now, and I know for sure there are better guys out there for me than him, but the whole process just seems impossible and torturous. Living in NYC, it doesn't make it easier and my mother keeps nagging me to "move somewhere with more men", as though that's going to magically change everything.

But I want to be okay with being single...however it's been 18 months and I'm starting to be bitter about it...which I don't like. Sometimes I am totally okay with it, and sometimes I just get so down in the dumps about it and think I'm going to be alone forever. I'm someone I would want to date....I'd consider myself attractive, I'm very educated, independent and all of my boyfriends have always said I'm the least drama-inducing/clingy girlfriend they've ever had. It just seems so hard to meet people and get that click...but it's also hard to just be okay with being single. Therein lies the problem as there is no in between unless you want to settle for someone you don't click with just so you won't be alone, but that's no fun.

Any advice?
Wow, I feel like I could have written the exact same post myself! I know exactly how you feel and I definitely ask myself this question quite a bit. I’m 28 and honestly I’ve never really had a “real” relationship before. I tried to convince myself that I was in a relationship with the only guy I’ve ever been with (which lasted a little over a year and ended almost two years ago) but when I began to reflect on everything I realized we were just friends with benefits…no holidays spent together, never got to know each other’s family or friends, only spent one day a week together…you get the idea. The thing is those were all of my standards (spending time with each other's friends and family, spending the holidays together, experiencing life together, mutual trust and respect, knowing he would always be there for things that were important to me) but I let all of those go because I wanted to FINALLY be able to say I had someone in my life...it didn't turn out at all the way I had hoped. I guess I tried to fool myself into thinking that this guy really cared about me and that if I just stuck it out and was patient (i.e., didn’t try to force him into anything and gave him space) that he would just realize he wanted to be with me on his own. I guess at the time (I was 26) I was just so tired of being alone that I was willing to put up with anything to finally have someone in my life after seeing all of my friends in relationships over the years. I absolutely HATED being the only single person in my circle. So when it ended and I realized that the only thing he wanted from me was sex I was completely crushed and very depressed for a long time. I just couldn’t understand why no one seemed to want to be with me…not just right then but for as long as I could remember. I even told myself the exact same things you did: “I'm someone I would want to date. I'd consider myself pretty attractive (please let me know if I'm over-rating myself, lol), educated, independent, and my only “boyfriend” said I'm the least drama-inducing/clingy girlfriend he’s ever had and our connection was unlike anything he’d experienced before.” Of course I have tried online dating for quite a while now (I started when I was probably 23 and have tried pretty much every site that is out there) and even there I don’t get many responses at all. My guy friends have looked at my profile and said I come across as very engaging, modest, funny, positive and attractive (someone they’d definitely date if they weren’t already attached of course, lol) so they can’t understand why I haven’t been able to find someone. eHarmony hasn’t really been the greatest site for me either. I was a member for 1 ½ years and received over 2000 matches…I never met a single one in person and I live in Chicago! I guess a person can only take so much rejection before they start becoming bitter and constantly thinking, “What’s wrong with me? Am I doomed to remain single for the rest of my life? Will I ever be happy?” Of course, when I started asking myself these things I missed my ex even more even though he didn’t treat me very well or with much respect. I knew that this approach wasn’t healthy and that I would never be happy unless I did some MAJOR soul searching.

Well, I guess the lessons I’ve learned over the years is that nothing is a guarantee in life and the most important thing is to NEVER rely solely on someone else for happiness. The strange thing is that the more you want something the more it slips away sometimes. What I mean is that at times when you are just being yourself, going with the flow of life, and not worrying constantly about whether or not you’ll find someone, those are the times when you actually WILL find someone. The only time in the past 5 years I wasn’t actively looking for a boyfriend was the time my ex and I got together. I know it is hard sometimes being okay with being single (especially with constant family pressure, which I can relate to as well) but what I’ve done is look to the other aspects of my life that give me fulfillment: my friends and family, my hobbies, striving to improve myself both mentally and physically, etc. I find that focusing on these things helps me to maintain a positive outlook on life and gives me a sense of contentment so that I can attract positive things back into my life in return and maybe, one day, a good man to share it with. It is still hard sometimes to see everyone around you with a loving partner but I’ve come to accept that not everyone is meant to be in a relationship and this is okay as long as you are happy with yourself. I think you’ll find that if you start to fill your life with things that you enjoy (spending more time with friends and family, taking up a hobby, working out at the gym, reading self-improvement books, going out and REALLY experiencing the enchanting and diverse culture of NYC if you haven't already) you’ll start to attract positive things into your life and eventually people will take notice and things will get easier. Soon, finding a boyfriend will be in the back of your mind rather than the front, more like an added bonus to an already enriched and fulfilling life, and when you reach that point that’s when guys will start to take notice. The most important thing though is to NEVER, EVER lower or sacrifice your standards just so you won’t be alone. You deserve everything you want and with enough patience and confidence you will get it. We're still young so we have PLENTY of time...here's hoping! Best of luck to you!

Nicole
Last edited by Estarriol1138; February 16,2010 at 6:55pm.
 
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Amateurlover is offline Amateurlover Post #24  February 16,2010, 6:49pm
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mrflyer wrote :
I believe that, in order to be good at relationships, you have to learn how to be OK with being single. Otherwise you're just basing your future happiness on another person.

I want a partner to enhance my life, not because I think there is some deficiency.
Being single suck but mrflyer is right. Keep yourself busy with other interests, get passionate about other things besides finding someone. Nobody will be able to make you happy if you're not happy on your own.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #25  February 16,2010, 7:16pm
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Happy is a choice, whether you're single or coupled.

I get being lonely, and I get missing having a man around. I've been single again for a couple of decades, with one LTR and some random dating thrown in.

But, as someone else said, if you are only happy when you're with someone else, you're allowing your happiness to be dependent on them. That's not a good thing.

Focus on something besides being single or being in a relationship. School, volunteer work, a hobby, a new activity that lets you meet new people (socially, not romantically). The more complete you are as a person, the more likely you are to attract someone just as healthy. The downside is, it limits your candidate pool considerably, but in a good way.
 
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KATHYO is offline KATHYO Post #26  February 16,2010, 7:24pm
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i think you have to understand that there are worse things then being alone. although i agree being alone "sucks" take it from someone who jumped into a bad relationship after my husband died. while my husband was a kind and loving man who i couldn't have loved more, i was afraid of being alone. i wound up with an abusive, drug addicted creep! thank God i was able to get away alive. i'm 54 years old and had very little knowledge of drugs other than pot. after i got him out of the house, after he beat me up, it wasn't untl friends helped me clean out his things in the garage and i asked them what the little glass tubes with steel wool in them were for did i realize why he had such violent mood swings in the last few weeks, or the soda pop cans with the indentations in them and little holes. i've been alone since and just now after two years am venturing slowly into getting to know another man. i stll have three more years left on the restraining order and he has an active warrent for violating his court ordered treatment. so be careful, sometimes alone feels good. kathyo
 
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FruitaBu is offline FruitaBu Post #27  February 17,2010, 7:03am
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I think my problem is more that I am too content being single.

I sincerely want to find a partner eventually, but sometimes the motivation escapes me because I am already happy. Not sure what to do about that exactly.
 
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mrsingle is offline mrsingle Post #28  February 20,2010, 7:00pm
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[quote=Estarriol1138;889956]
 
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