Rollingalong is offline Rollingalong Post #1  February 11,2010, 7:05pm
Rollingalong's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2009

Posts: 8

See profile

Lately I've realized that i have a very closed person. My demeanor, actions, a lot of things in general, all signal that. It's something that I can personally feel and something that has apparently developed slowly.

What i wanted to ask was what do people do in general to try to be more open in their lives in general? I don't enjoy being closed, it's a very lonely lifestyle and one I don't feel suited for.
 
  Reply With Quote
littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  February 11,2010, 8:08pm
littlebluemon…'s Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Jul 2008

Posts: 13,649

See profile

Are you this way with close friends or just with social acquaintences? Is your concern that you're not open enough to make friends easily or that you don't feel you're communicating openly enough with people who are already friends?

Some people are just more reserved than others in certain circumstances. I have a difficult time not being open. One friend swears she can tell what kind of day I've had just from my tone of voice on the phone.

So, I might not be the best person to advise on this, but I can say that, barring inappropriate oversharing in work relationships, I've never had a bad response to being open. (Or maybe I have and it's just not bad enough to make me feel bad for being open.) If someone asks you how you are (and they are an actual friend) do you respond with "Fine" and leave it at that? That might be a good opportunity to share something that happened in your day that was particularly good, or perhaps share a small frustration. This opens up the conversation a bit more.

Hope that helps. If not, the response will at least bump you back to the top of the list and maybe someone else will have some insight.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; February 11,2010 at 8:13pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #3  February 11,2010, 8:42pm
suzyblueeyes's Avatar

is engaged

Enthusiast

Joined: Dec 2008

USA

Posts: 855

See profile

I have had this issue over the course of my life. I won't get into why, but I decided a few years back that it needed to change. So I started with close friends who I knew I could trust to be there for me no matter what I said. I just would talk to them completely uncensored. Whatever came to my mind, I said. I cannot tell you how freeing of an experience it was for me.

I moved on to family members who I knew I could trust. This is a stickier situation because family is usually the reason you are how you are. However, that has even gone well for the most part. I have now gotten to the point where I don't feel the need to be closed with pretty much anyone except certain family members. I am even this way with complete strangers now. It's lovely, and a much more connected way to live. I have random conversations with strangers now. I connect with all sorts of people. People who meet me now would have never guessed how I used to be and are always suprised if/when I tell them about it.
 
  Reply With Quote
Rollingalong is offline Rollingalong Post #4  February 11,2010, 10:39pm
Rollingalong's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2009

Posts: 8

See profile

littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
Are you this way with close friends or just with social acquaintences? Is your concern that you're not open enough to make friends easily or that you don't feel you're communicating openly enough with people who are already friends?

Some people are just more reserved than others in certain circumstances. I have a difficult time not being open. One friend swears she can tell what kind of day I've had just from my tone of voice on the phone.

So, I might not be the best person to advise on this, but I can say that, barring inappropriate oversharing in work relationships, I've never had a bad response to being open. (Or maybe I have and it's just not bad enough to make me feel bad for being open.) If someone asks you how you are (and they are an actual friend) do you respond with "Fine" and leave it at that? That might be a good opportunity to share something that happened in your day that was particularly good, or perhaps share a small frustration. This opens up the conversation a bit more.

Hope that helps. If not, the response will at least bump you back to the top of the list and maybe someone else will have some insight.
With friends I have no problem being open. Its with everyone else really, social acquaintances. It's a bit intersting because I'm in highschool right now and really I don't even want to get to know 99% of the people in my school. I have my few select friends and such, but I know, however, that being closed off to the rest of the world isn't a healthy thing for me, especially since I'll be going to college next year.

With friends, its easy. But its difficult, i suppose, to make new friends. My whole demeanor is tight during school, I have a hard time relaxing the majority of the time and I'm sure it just sends bad vibes all around, hell I can feel them myself.

My body language is affected directly with me not being open and thus well, makes interacting with the majority of people difficult. That's a little snapshot of it. Thanks guys for responding and thanks for any more insightful information you might pass on.
 
  Reply With Quote
EstherLaw is offline EstherLaw Post #5  February 12,2010, 8:03am
EstherLaw's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Feb 2010

Posts: 9

See profile

Hmmmm...one quick question - do you have high standards of yourself and others? Do you mutter about people's faults behind their back?

The reason I ask is that we usually expect others to treat us the way we treat them...and it sounds like you're afraid that others may not like you if they knew more about you...and I wonder if that's because you are a little hyper-critical of others' faults.

Remember, I'm going on very LIMITED info here. Just posting the idea as a possibility. (With enough of us posting possibilities, hopefully ONE of us will stumble across the thought that fits best for your specific situation)
 
  Reply With Quote
Rollingalong is offline Rollingalong Post #6  February 12,2010, 7:34pm
Rollingalong's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2009

Posts: 8

See profile

EstherLaw wrote :
Hmmmm...one quick question - do you have high standards of yourself and others? Do you mutter about people's faults behind their back?

The reason I ask is that we usually expect others to treat us the way we treat them...and it sounds like you're afraid that others may not like you if they knew more about you...and I wonder if that's because you are a little hyper-critical of others' faults.

Remember, I'm going on very LIMITED info here. Just posting the idea as a possibility. (With enough of us posting possibilities, hopefully ONE of us will stumble across the thought that fits best for your specific situation)
I do have high standards for myself and others. I try not to be overly critical of others and strive to keep an open mind. I'm successful most of the time, but as well all do sometimes, i do fail. I just have this complete lack of desire to get to know anyone at my school and in turn have them know anything about me. Its like....I don't want to be associated with them and well, I know that's not a healthy outlook and it doesn't represent who i am (at least that's how i feel about it).

Seems like i need to be able to accept the people around me for who they are and not hold them to my own expectations *shrug* easier said then done unfortunately .
 
  Reply With Quote
Chris_Angel is offline Chris_Angel Post #7  February 18,2010, 9:47am
Chris_Angel's Avatar

Finally starting to feel comfortable with myself and being open about it.

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2008

Toronto

Posts: 48

See profile

Have you done any self-exploration? This could be in the form of reading self-help books, personal councelling, soul-searching. A lot of people are afraid to do this, because they are scared of what they might find. Of course, the opposite is true as well. You may just find the root cause of why you are acting and feeling the way you do.

For the record, your personality and the way you are acting are not bad. You are somehow convincing/scaring yourself into believing what you are doing is 'wrong.' And by doing that, you are causing yourself a lot of extra stress and worry. I know from personal experience that this can be difficult to stop or even be aware of.

I am reading a book called Why Good People Do Bad Things, by author Debbie Ford. I am also going through a difficult time (a break-up) and this has caused me a lot of stress, loss of sleep and has left a hole inside me. By reading this book, I am coming to realize that my behaviours are a result of wearing various 'masks' and not being my true self. And not being my true self has caused me to make bad decisions and unwise choices.

It is also teaching me to not be in denial. Denial is a self-defense mechanism which serves to make you feel better about yourself. But by being in denial, you also miss the chance to learn what you may have done wrong or what others have done wrong to you, to be the way you are.

Btw - I am also doing personal councelling to try and drive out why I am feeling and behaving in the ways I do. At some point in life, I just cant keep pretending that everything's ok, when it doesnt feel right.

Good luck to you!
 
  Reply With Quote
Jodyne is offline Jodyne Post #8  February 18,2010, 5:25pm
Jodyne's Avatar

Love has it's own time..

Newbie

Joined: Feb 2010

Posts: 2

See profile

The guy I was dating online I met 7 months after our first em-mail/online introduction. Things were slow between us verbally but I passed that off to the fact that we hadn't met. After we met one weekend, we started text messaging and the frequency slowly grew over the next few months. I like him a LOT. But I never felt any accountability from him in the area of non-physical intimacy. It really made me feel frustrated.

It's not that I demand to know everything about him or even that he contact me 'RIGHT NOW' when I text him, but I would sometimes wait hours and then sometimes he would reply regarding what I had text about but usually he wouldn't even say ANYTHING on the subject I had brought up. I begin to feel he was deliberately evading the subject or issue; and the subjects or issues were not even negative ones - I likened them to questions that would tell me his character, temperament or personality (just getting to know you questions). I felt like he was hiding things from me in case I didn't agree so as to try to prevent me from disliking him or that I would break off the friendship.

But what I wanted from him and from our relationship was to KNOW HIM, who he was, what he likes, how he feels. And for him to want to know things about and from me too.

The day before my birthday he starts dropping hints that he is sick or hurt but wouldn't say what. He said he went to the DOCTOR, but he told me he was all-right not to worry [about it]; I took him literally and changed the subject. Later he told me he was back in the hospital and he was being watched for a possible stoke. So I asked him if he wanted my interest and support (because he was being so elusive about it all). He said he did, so I did my best to 'be there' for him.

The next day was my birthday but I didn't bother reminding him it was my birthday although he already knew since I had told him about a month or two before. So there was no mention of my birthday by either one of us. For the next two weeks there was even less communication from him so I decided to tell him I didn't want to get emotionally involved with a guy unless we were serious/engaged or getting married.

I said this because I felt like I was 'there' for him, but he was not 'there' for me. What kind of a relationship is this? I knew he was going to be gone over Valentine's weekend so I text messaged him two days before with a Valentine's Day wish. The next day he said "Good Morning" and nothing else, and he was gone (out of cell range).

That was that.
But I have a feeling he was too shy or just didn't know how to relate. I know he had good intentions toward me, but possibly some dysfunctional way(s) of relating played a part in our lack to connect.
 
  Reply With Quote
AreaWoman is offline AreaWoman Post #9  February 18,2010, 7:35pm
AreaWoman's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2010

Toronto

Posts: 17

See profile

Rollingalong wrote :
With friends I have no problem being open. Its with everyone else really, social acquaintances. It's a bit intersting because I'm in highschool right now and really I don't even want to get to know 99% of the people in my school. I have my few select friends and such, but I know, however, that being closed off to the rest of the world isn't a healthy thing for me, especially since I'll be going to college next year.

With friends, its easy. But its difficult, i suppose, to make new friends. My whole demeanor is tight during school, I have a hard time relaxing the majority of the time and I'm sure it just sends bad vibes all around, hell I can feel them myself.

My body language is affected directly with me not being open and thus well, makes interacting with the majority of people difficult. That's a little snapshot of it. Thanks guys for responding and thanks for any more insightful information you might pass on.

Honestly, I think a lot of people go through this in high school. Although it was a long time ago, my experience was very similar to yours. I felt disconnected and uninterested in most of the people I went to high school with (except for friends and people with common interests who became friends). I think this is normal for a lot of people at your age.

That being said, it completely changed when I went to university. I remember being nervous about how I'd meet people and make friends, and it was actually just one line of advice I read in an article about going away to school that completely changed my perspective about befriending people. I'll do my best to paraphrase: Everyone there is just as nervous, just as self conscious, and more worried about what others think of them to notice your nervousness. They are just as nervous as you are about making friends, and they will be happy and relieved you made an effort to get to know them... The article was a bit more concise, but that was the main idea. In my self-absorbed teen-angst ridden perspective, somehow this hadn't occurred to me. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders to learn that my peers were probably just as self-absorbed as I was. Somehow it's freeing to recognize that people are more worried about themselves to notice or judge you too much. It's always more rewarding to reach out to people than to hold back.

Since then, I've lived by the philosophy that if you want to have a friend, you need to be a friend. This includes asking people a lot of questions about themselves, being interested in their lives, being thoughtful, and helping them any way you can...

It's not necessary for you to force yourself to completely open up all at once and tell people everything, nor is it necessary to force yourself to chat with people you're not really interested in. I think there's a process involved in opening up to people, and a good place to start is by being receptive and encouraging them to open up to you.

You'll probably find after awhile that you find yourself chatting with people that years before you never would have thought of speaking with. I think opening up is a social skill that can be learned, and like any skill, gets better with practice.

It sounds like your natural inclination is to be open. So I wouldn't worry to much about it. Given the right climate, and some good people around you, I'm sure you'll have no problem.
 
  Reply With Quote
Rollingalong is offline Rollingalong Post #10  February 19,2010, 12:04pm
Rollingalong's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2009

Posts: 8

See profile

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate it. Especially thanks AreaWoman for that anecdote about university, which worried me the most. The quote especially runs true and makes me a lot less nervous.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« The last unic- errm... SHE- nerd/gamer. | About You | Love at 50? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Trusting a person that does not love animals to the same degree? bookhead Animal Lovers Singles 11 May 26,2010 10:32pm
Wht if a girl says tht u r a good person and deserve much more in life? Ron123 20ish and proud to be... 6 May 22,2010 10:00pm
Keeping Matches Open With No Response bothhands Using eHarmony 16 January 12,2010 10:10am
Trusting the person you are dating skitermon Relationships 15 September 25,2009 2:56am
The kind of person I am in a relationship. Josh_81 About You 22 July 23,2009 9:29pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Just a thought... After reading your post, here's what I picked up on: When I got home last night, I sent him a quick message saying thanks for meeting and how nice it was to meet him. I know he ... ” –  TheThinker

Join the “What now?” discussion

“Brokensmile, my heart goes out to you. I have to admit that when I read your other thread, I felt like things were moving in this direction. It's definitely a very unsatisfying place to be because ... ” –  boschimsp

Join the “The End Maybe Coming” discussion

“My condolences on the death of your mother. I can't imagine losing my mother at that young an age. It was hard enough at the age of 12, but at the very least I got to know her a bit. My memories now ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Has anyone lost their mother at a young age? How did it change your life?...or did it?” discussion

“Thank you all so much! I appreciate the time you all took to read this story. AND YOU ARE ALL RIGHT!” –  LadyVee

Join the “Confusing Man (LONG STORY)” discussion

“ You said you didn't want anything too serious yet you made out with him. He is likely thinking you are ok with a FWB situation.” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Question on casual dating?” discussion

“Not so fast my little blue friend cause I'm winning!!” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Last Post Wins!” discussion

“I agree that it sounds like you might want to do a profile review as well as share a sample email that you might send to match. (If you choose to do the latter please just be careful to strip off ... ” –  boschimsp

Join the “Email advice” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 8:50am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0