cardguy is offline cardguy Post #1  February 11,2010, 5:09pm
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At justme's request I've spun off our discussion on the nature of friendship to this thread. In our last episode...

justme27 wrote :
Ok, now you are being civil--thank you, I think we all appreciate it. Look it we don't share a lot of the same views, not when it comes to friendship at least. I like my friends as they are. I like the time we spend together. I like the fact that we don't commiserate. On a Friday or Saturday night, I would just rather joke around and laugh then anything else. Consider it shallow, call it what you will. However, that is how I like it.
The thing I'm getting from this response is a false choice between joking around and laughing with one's friends and talking about what's going on in your lives, for better or worse. Likely some of the fault in that is mine, as I've emphasized what's *different* about close friends from your conception of friendship. Sharing with each other is not an activity that *replaces* having a good time, but one which complements it. I love to relax and have a good time on the weekends as well: this weekend I'm hanging out with friends on Friday and Monday, and I don't expect anything more serious than Super Bowl commercials to be discussed...just a lot of good banter, good food, and good games.

I could best sum it up as saying the friendship is about the freedom not to wear masks. It doesn't mean you have to get into a big long conversation every time something heavy is going on in your life, sometimes the perfect thing in a crisis can just be a few hours with friends getting it off your mind.

What friendship does mean is that you don't have to pretend like you've got all your s%%# together when things are falling apart. It means that you don't have to respond to the question "How's it going?" with "not bad" or "pretty good" regardless of what's going on. It means that you don't have to become a recluse when there's a crisis in your life that you can't hide. It means having the honor of celebrating the joys and carrying the burdens of your friends...for you cannot truly know one without the other.

That's what I'm talking about: not an obligation to be somber, but a freedom to just be.
Last edited by cardguy; February 11,2010 at 5:34pm. Reason: yay for typos!
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #2  February 11,2010, 5:27pm
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cardguy wrote :
What friendship does mean is that you don't have to pretend like you've got all your s%%# together when things are falling apart. It means that you don't have to respond to the question "How's it going?" with "not bad" or "pretty good" regardless of what's going on. It means that you don't have to become a recluse when there's a crisis in your life that you can't hide. It means having the honor of celebrating the joys and carrying the burdens of your friends...for you cannot truly know one without the other.
I really wish more people understood this part.
 
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Girl31 is offline Girl31 Post #3  February 11,2010, 6:20pm
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I´m absolutly agree with you. i´ll want to meet more people with those thougths.
 
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justme27 is offline justme27 Post #4  February 11,2010, 6:20pm
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There I put up a darn avatar is everyone happy! T.S. Eliot very pretentious

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cardguy wrote :
What friendship does mean is that you don't have to pretend like you've got all your s%%# together when things are falling apart. It means that you don't have to respond to the question "How's it going?" with "not bad" or "pretty good" regardless of what's going on. It means that you don't have to become a recluse when there's a crisis in your life that you can't hide. It means having the honor of celebrating the joys and carrying the burdens of your friends...for you cannot truly know one without the other.

That's what I'm talking about: not an obligation to be somber, but a freedom to just be.
Thanks Cardguy, you're a good man in my humble opinion--although we have our differences. I bolded the part that I'm guilty of. Yes, whenever a friend asks how's it going I always say, "It's going well," even when it's not. You are a lucky man to have friends who share their hardships with you and with whom you feel comfortable sharing your hardships.

My friends are friends though. Our relationship maybe a little bit on the shallower end of things, but I do know for certain that they are always there for me. I'm almost positive that when I call one of them or one of them calls me and asks to hangout, that one of us had a bad day; we just don't want to talk about it.

I like the wisdom of j8a who always reminds me while we may not agree "you get to be you and I get to be me."
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #5  February 11,2010, 6:29pm
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cardguy wrote :
At justme's request I've spun off our discussion on the nature of friendship to this thread. In our last episode...



The thing I'm getting from this response is a false choice between joking around and laughing with one's friends and talking about what's going on in your lives, for better or worse. Likely some of the fault in that is mine, as I've emphasized what's *different* about close friends from your conception of friendship. Sharing with each other is not an activity that *replaces* having a good time, but one which complements it. I love to relax and have a good time on the weekends as well: this weekend I'm hanging out with friends on Friday and Monday, and I don't expect anything more serious than Super Bowl commercials to be discussed...just a lot of good banter, good food, and good games.

I could best sum it up as saying the friendship is about the freedom not to wear masks. It doesn't mean you have to get into a big long conversation every time something heavy is going on in your life, sometimes the perfect thing in a crisis can just be a few hours with friends getting it off your mind.

What friendship does mean is that you don't have to pretend like you've got all your s%%# together when things are falling apart. It means that you don't have to respond to the question "How's it going?" with "not bad" or "pretty good" regardless of what's going on. It means that you don't have to become a recluse when there's a crisis in your life that you can't hide. It means having the honor of celebrating the joys and carrying the burdens of your friends...for you cannot truly know one without the other.

That's what I'm talking about: not an obligation to be somber, but a freedom to just be.


Excellent post, Cardguy! I like the last line the best - I think that is a test for a true friend. You can be yourself ALL THE TIME!
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #6  February 12,2010, 5:43am
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cardguy - excellent, loved your post! thank you!
 
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Spider is offline Spider Post #7  February 12,2010, 6:54am
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This is probably where I fail.
I do not want to talk about my problems. I don't even want to hear about my friends' problems (of course, I'd listen about serious illnesses, job losses, deaths, but not the minutiae, and certainly not about marriage/relationship woes). My ears just shut down when someone starts complaining about their life in gory detail.
Perhaps I'm just not a close friend to anyone, but I really don't care to tell my family and friends about such personal stuff. Discussions like that make me intensely uncomfortable. I never know what to say/do, or what's expected of me (other than sharing their discomfort). Maybe that's the situation with Justme?
 
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