califloridan is offline califloridan Post #11  February 11,2010, 7:19pm
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It's very interesting to read the responses to my original post.

I have had guys tell me straight out that I'm too big of a package because I'm a widow. Family members have even told me to get used to being alone because no one wants a young widow with young children. One guy in particular told me he didn't want to be the one not to live up to my husband and dissapoint my kids and would rather let another guy fail then it be him. I was devistated. We are still very good friends but I will never forget that statement.I think women are more accepting personally of men being widows.More because of our need to take care of people, etc. But I have been known to wrong from time to time. lol

In the end I have decided to put in my profile that I'm a widow. I think it shows I know how deal with difficult issues and make the best of a situation. But I will say there is major sterotyping when you say your a widow.
 
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Idril is offline Idril Post #12  February 12,2010, 12:11am
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califloridan wrote :
One guy in particular told me he didn't want to be the one not to live up to my husband and dissapoint my kids and would rather let another guy fail then it be him. I was devistated. ............. there is major sterotyping when you say your a widow.
Oh my, this is awful. I too am a widow (youngish at 45, but I feel 21) and I have 2 children: 12 and 3. I guess that puts me in the dog house for life then .

I can't believe we're being penalised and punished because our husbands have died (mine in a motorbike accident - yeah like I asked for this).

I put widow in my profile - that explains the lack of activity.
 
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EstherLaw is offline EstherLaw Post #13  February 12,2010, 8:00am
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If someone's going to run away because you're a widow, better to have them do so early and save you the time and trouble.

Remember, the whole point of a profile is NOT to attract EVERY man out there. You only need to attract ONE.

Honestly, would you WANT to be with a man who had to be CONVINCED to date a widow?
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #14  February 12,2010, 2:34pm
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califloridan wrote :
One guy in particular told me he didn't want to be the one not to live up to my husband and dissapoint my kids and would rather let another guy fail then it be him. I was devistated. We are still very good friends but I will never forget that statement.
That comment of his makes no sense to me.

Just because someone is a widow doesn't mean she views her late husband as a saint... and someone can be divorced and still think their ex is the greatest, so this "having to live up" thing could still apply in the other situation. Not to mention former boyfriends someone could be compared to.

It seems especially dumb when the person is deceased and obviously cannot come back and be a threat.

I think it's a big sign of insecurity, since there are always other guys you could choose to be with.

I still believe there are a lot of us who think being widowed is less of an issue to us as potential mates than being divorced.

Do these guys show any empathy for your loss?
 
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califloridan is offline califloridan Post #15  February 13,2010, 7:25pm
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mrflyer...Yes they do show empathy to a certain extent. Most people don't really know what to say beyond the standard "I'm sorry to hear that or I'm sorry for your loss". I might not help matters either because I talk about 'James' like he is still here. That is just my way of dealing with it in a healthy, positive way and not all doom and gloom.

Idril...I choose not to buy into "the dog house for life" 90% of the time. I do still have little pity parties from time to time. I do think there is hope for us. It will take a very special person though, especially because of the children and their emotional needs. James has been gone for almost 3 1/2 years now. Somewhere I read that widowers remarry within a year and widows 10 years. I sure hope that statistic isn't true for both our sakes.
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #16  February 14,2010, 8:42am
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I'm a widow and I do indicate that without harping on it. I have a young child who was 10 mo when I was widowed (at age 36) and is now going on 5. Being widowed is part of who I am. I can see why some guys might feel that is some kind of baggage. But I console myself with the thought that if my status is a turn off for someone then that is not the right match for me. I'd be upfront about it.

However, I do not bring my late husband up at all initially and only if it's appropriate/comfortable later on. I am no longer actively grieving in the shadow of the loss.....even though I still feel grief and will always feel loss, if that makes sense.

Califloridan: I belong to www.ywbb.org You might find it a helpful place to discuss dating and issues.
 
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Idril is offline Idril Post #17  February 14,2010, 11:54am
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califloridan wrote :
I sure hope that statistic isn't true for both our sakes.


That's a scary stat! As you say, fingers crossed that's not for us.

Lisa
 
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