what about platonic friends???


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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #1  December 22,2009, 6:29am
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now this is not a lame “can men and women have platonic friends.” of course they can. just not with everyone. rather I want open a discussion on folk's experiences.

Now around this time last year a long time relationship was fast fading ... no dramatic reason ... I had thought we’d grow old together. I was sadden as i relaise that wasn’t to be. but in trying work through the situation ... it wasn’t as if i didn’t like her ... i had to contend with “we can be friends.”

[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Tahoma]i initially was dismissive as i was still quite upset ... but quickly decided i wouldn’t mind ... however some re-definitions were required. Ie, “we could catch a movie occasionally” didn’t appeal to me. i’d like seeing anything really as it had been doing something together ... but if I wanted to see a movie i’d just go ... ... didn’t require a movie buddy, rather I had lots of such friends ... ... i also wasn’t sure i wanted to be in one-on-one situations too quickly
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #2  December 22,2009, 7:47am
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I have never had a male platonic friend that I did things with, one on one, like I do with my women friends.

When I was working, I had male friends that I worked with. Some of them I felt close to, in our conversations. But it was only at work; I never took it outside. I mostly kept my work friends separate from my outside friends. The few times I did see friends from work on the outside.....they were women.

I've been married most of my adult life. Most of our friends were other married couples. The male friends were the husbands. There were a few single male friends, but they were brought into the picture through my husbands.

I had a "friendly" divorce. We helped each other the best we could through a tough time, and I'm thankful we were able to part that way. We remained "friendly" right up until the time I told him I was going to remarry. Still, our "friendship" was not predicated upon doing things together, nor, obviously, discussing our respective dating lives. It was more of a practical nature than anything else, in that he would help me when I needed it.

So I'm probably the wrong person to answer your question here, because I've never really had a male friend that I just hung out with.

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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #3  December 22,2009, 8:04am
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I have been fortunate enough to have a few friendships like this in my life, and they are wonderful to have.

It is great to get a guy's perspective on things from a neutral stance, and for him to get the woman's.

We have at times, really helped each other over the hurdles of life, in ways different than same sex friends would.

So for me, on the whole, these few platonic friendships have been really positive things. But not everyone is capable of having them.

JMHO

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justjune is offline justjune Post #4  December 22,2009, 8:16am
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The only really close male friends I have made are gay men. There are several single men who were part of our "group", but I never did anything one on one with a straight male friend.

I have never had that much in common with a straight man. Men do things, women talk. If you want men friends, do things.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  December 22,2009, 9:30am
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I've had 3 platonic male friends, who've been among my life's best friends. That little extra "viewpoint from the other side" was fun to have, but mostly they have been just friends, like any other.

When he's in a stable longterm happy committed relationship though, it's a little easier: there's no question of the friendship becoming non-platonic, which is freeing.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #6  December 22,2009, 4:01pm
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For me , my best friend, and closest friend is a female. We have been friends for about 17 years.

There NEVER was a relationship between us other than friends...and their nevet was a thing of me being friends with her just to be there when she became available.

I can freely talk about anything with her, just like she can with me.


trying to be platonic friendswith someone you had a relationship with before can be very difficult...if at all possible.

Usually the biggest factors in this ability are (1) you were friends befor the relationship happened, and (2) you broke up for "civil" reasons. by "civil" I mean drifting appart, realizing you have two many fundamental difference for a marriage to work, there was no cheating or abuse that ended the relationship are some examples. Even for a friendship you still need "tiome off" from seeing each other. You cant just flip a switch---it will be too confusing.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #7  December 22,2009, 8:41pm

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I really value my male friends. I have several close friends who I met originally at work and after working together for 30 years we have continued meeting and doing things together.

Two of them are married and I'm also friendly with their wives ( who have set me up with new men now that I'm 'available' again) and one is a confirmed bachelor who likes the opera- we occasionally go together-but in no way is this a date.

I also have an ex boyfriend for a freind-when I had a plumbing problem last week, he was the only person who came over, un-asked, to give me a hand.

I also meet every month for lunch with a large group of former co-workers who are all men-we talk about how the company has gone downhill since we left etc....

In another similar thread, I said I think that for a woman to have a true friendship with a man she has to carefully NOT flirt. Any flirting, innocent or intended, can change and ruin that friendship. I value these friends too much to mess it up by flirting.
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #8  December 22,2009, 9:39pm
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Some of my closest friends have been men. I enjoy my platonic friendships with men - I enjoy that male energy. I also really like having the male perspective on relationships. I find that men are more inclined to tell you the truth instead of sugar-coating to protect your feelings. Actually my best friend is male and we have been friends since childhood.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  December 23,2009, 3:04am
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Other than maybe a couple of people the friends that I think of most often that have been most influential in my life are my men friends. I actually get along with them much better than women overall.

If I were to ever get married again, though, I would never have close male friends. There is usually an undercurrent of attraction from my male friends, and it just seems sometimes like it would open the door for indiscretion. I wouldn't even want to take the chance.
 
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August2 is offline August2 Post #10  December 23,2009, 3:53am
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If you like someone, love them, are attacted - do you also respect them? Would you ALLOW the platonic? most say no.

A lot of people couldn't imagine human investment without a servicable return. A whole lot of other people feed the fire of possibility or ideas that they'll eventually be satisfied, which isn't platonic at all (that's a preditor's waiting game).

I've worked with men my whole life, a lot of them, large numbers, in sometimes rather close circumstance, instructing them in risky activity, later in corporate & project mgmt, and a half decade of knowing their "stuff" (emp relations). Very few consider females as friends, but a great many understood facilitation, teamwork, their own vunerability, collaboration and even mutual support. Very few ever looked at me without also taking the measure of what they could imagine doing with me. That includes the ones who instantaneously didn't like or want me (I always liked the guys who had the professional wherewithall to postpone that assessment to later, instead of the first nod). And, worked very hard for the guys who made the conscious choice to respect or otherwise choose platonic with me (and I with them), for whatever reason.

Over time, there have been individuals with whom I was careful not to dally, or groups I didn't stay around when they 'relaxed'. But I've also have men I love whom I do not touch.
I know men who give allegience, candor, loyalty, even bits of tenderness, and do not touch. Suppose you expect that there's some 'attraction' gene missing in these often long-term equations. I don't agree, I just think somethine else was chosen; in certain situations, it was the better part.
 
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