Do you have a fear of intimacy?


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writergal is offline writergal Post #1  December 17,2009, 9:05pm
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After my last major relationship, I came to realize that my fear of true emotional intimacy has been a pattern in all of my relationships; short or long. I sought therapy for my trust anxiety issues and even learned cognitive therapy techniques to use when my trust anxiety gets triggered. But sometimes I still over- react or jump to conclusions, only to realize after-the-fact that my over-reaction was triggered because of a similar past issue.

I don't have a fear of committment. That is an entirely different issue. I just have a fear of letting down my emotional walls to reveal my true self to the men I date. This fear of intimacy exists with some, not all of my friendships and I wish I knew how to permanently change this pattern. Otherwise, I don't think I'll ever truly be ready for a real long-term relationship again.

Because I was emotionally betrayed by an ex-boyfriend in college (he slept with my college roommate and they both lied to me about it until someone else told me), I seem to attract emotionally unavailable men, which reinforces my own emotional unavailability, I think. It means I never have to risk showing my true self to another person. Yet, I come to dating message boards and moan about not finding a guy interested in me.

Maybe the problem is that men I meet can sense I'm not emotionally available, that I have major emotional walls up. I'm very social and outgoing and enjoy talking to people, but I clam up when I'm put in an emotionally vulnerable position on a date.

How do I overcome this issue when it takes two people to build trust? I can work on myself with a therapist, but learning to trust has to involve another person. So, if I can't find someone to give me a chance romantically, how will I change this pattern that I feel is a real detriment to my relationships?

I feel like I'm in a catch-22 situation. The ol 'rock and a hard place' cliche comes to mind. I want a long term relationship. I'm ready to committ to someone. But I have difficulty being emotionally vulnerable, afraid that I will be betrayed again if I show that I need another person.
Last edited by writergal; December 17,2009 at 9:09pm.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #2  December 17,2009, 9:18pm
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You've started several threads complaining that you're desperate to find a date, but you're sick of online dating, and you can't stand to be around married people because it reminds you of your miserable life.

And you've been given a ton of good advice. But I see no signs that you've considered any of it.

So if you are participating here sincerely (I'll assume that you are, but I'm not sure if I should...), I advise you to go back and re-read your old threads. Where the advice has one common theme: stop analyzing yourself and making up "problems", and just enjoy who you are.

In your present hyper-analytical and woe-is-me frame of mind, no decent guy is going to want to get anywhere near you. Sorry to have to say it. Again.

Again... re-read your older threads.
Last edited by melman; December 17,2009 at 9:22pm.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  December 17,2009, 9:20pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I think you have to begin right where you are. That means....at some point sharing where you're at right now (such as what you just wrote) when you're seeing someone. This needn't be on a first or second date...but as what you have just described is probably a big part of your experience at this stage of your life I think this itself would need to be shared.

I actually did something similar in the past. I was in a similar place as you in that I realized that emotional intimacy was something difficult for me due to my upbringing....and I knew that to really be happy I needed to change this.

I had started seeing a girl...and one day I sat down and told her that I felt that I hadn't really been sharing with her who I was, that I was trying to present her with a certain image of myself and that I wanted to start being open with her so that she could really know who I was...but that it was difficult for me. It was a real turning point in our relationship....as well as in my life. Best wishes to you.
 
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writergal is offline writergal Post #4  December 17,2009, 9:53pm
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Jayjay, thank you for sharing your story, and for your encouragement. How did you know when to broach the subject with your date? When is the right time to bring such a thing up?
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #5  December 17,2009, 9:59pm
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yes, that moment of hesitation is a killer. maybe just telling people that this happens to you would help.

my teenaged goddaughter puts it on the line with people all the time. it's interesting. i think, even though some friendships have gone down in flames, it's given her good practice in moving on.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  December 17,2009, 10:03pm
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writergal wrote :
How do I overcome this issue when it takes two people to build trust? I can work on myself with a therapist, but learning to trust has to involve another person.
In therapy you have to learn to trust your therapist, and be open with him/her. If trust is your issue, it will come up with your therapist. Hopefully you can then take that experience to other relationships.

Do you have a good friend you can "practice" on? Someone you already trust?

But here's a thought: do you have to trust someone to be emotionally open with them? Calling it "being vulnerable" kind of assumes you're IN DANGER if you open up. What if you open up and get real, regardless of the other person? What's the worst that will happen? What if the other person is a total jerk? and ridicules you, or whatever your biggest fear about it is? So what? At least you got to be real.
 
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writergal is offline writergal Post #7  December 17,2009, 10:22pm
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lil_lamb,

You and JayJay are so right. I just need to practice being more open, and let go of the outcome. I think it's a good skill to have. It's good that your goddaughter is weeding out people by having the self confidence to put it out there the way you describe.

And even JayJay's admission to the woman in his relationship couldn't have been easy, considering it could have backfired on him with her leaving instead of staying. But it worked and she stayed, so she was the right person.

You're both correct. I just have to practice being more vulnerable with people. And I have to let go of the outcome and be confident that the right people will remain in my life despite my mistakes.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #8  December 17,2009, 10:25pm

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Sassafras54 wrote :
Calling it "being vulnerable" kind of assumes you're IN DANGER if you open up. What if you open up and get real, regardless of the other person? What's the worst that will happen? What if the other person is a total jerk? and ridicules you, or whatever your biggest fear about it is? So what? At least you got to be real.
This is right on Sass.

Being " vulnerable" assumes being fragile to any given situation, just in case you might get hurt.

But life and living has no guarantee that gives anybody immunity to being emotionally injured. You can continue to protect yourself, but at great cost and what is accomplished by that? Continued alone time, continued frustration and nothing more. You'll still be in pain because you are alone.

Perhaps it's time to Act As If you had no fears. Simply get out in the world and face it head on-like everyone else!

I'd venture that anyone who posts here has had an episode of betrayal in their past. People are imperfect and relationships are made up of those imperfect people.

If I were to count up all the psyche injuries I've been thru I could have a good reason for hiding in the closet. But to what point? No one would suffer but myself and I'm not into flagellation either physically or emotionally-so I just get out there and keep trying.

remember Act A If
 
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writergal is offline writergal Post #9  December 17,2009, 10:33pm
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Sassafras,

Oh! Good point about the label "vulnerable." I do wear it as a protection from "in danger" moments I perceive will happen if i let my guard down. I need to reframe that and stop using that term. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.

And intellectually I agree that I should just consistently be myself despite how the other person reacts. Be true to myself. Why I can't do that on a consistent basis, I don't really know. I don't want to be everyone else's caretaker. But I tend to subvert to that role in my relationships with men and with some friends, even when I know deep down I have needs that deserve to be met as well.

In my previous threads about those two guys I posted about (one who lied to me, the other just wasn't interested in me), I had the opportunity to stick to my guns, but I didn't. I let my fear of being alone override my healthy boundaries, which is tied into my fear of being rejected emotionally.
 
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writergal is offline writergal Post #10  December 17,2009, 10:45pm
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Roxyredhead,

It's as if you were reading my mind. I am perpetuating that horrible cycle you described; continued alone time = continued frustration because of my fear of being rejected. Like a puppy chasing its tail, going around and around and getting nowhere.

To act "as if" will be uncomfortable but I really do want to change this pattern I feel stuck in. Considering my current circumstances being that of a fiscally poor graduate student, I feel I have nothing to offer because I can barely afford to support myself. And my irritation at my married friends is because I envy their stability, as I lack that in my life right now, being single, nearly broke while in grad school. How am I supposed to act like it's ok that some days I eat sandwhiches twice a day because I need to pay the electricity bill for that month. I can't share those kind of vulnerabilities with people. It's too humiliating. Do you know what I mean?
 
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