Oh, another question. About self-confidence


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spinal97 is offline spinal97 Post #1  December 16,2009, 10:45am
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I know self-confidence is extremely important when it comes to dating. But my question is, How do you keep your self confidence up if your not successful with women, especially when it's been your whole life? I know that's not the only way to gain self confidence. But how can you gain any if all your life you got nothing but criticism that you always do the wrong thing and when you always try to do the right thing, more often than not it backfires?

How do you get self-confidence when your life is like this?
 
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BirdsCompanion is offline BirdsCompanion Post #2  December 16,2009, 11:03am
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The key here is to focus on what your goals in life are outside of finding a significant other. What are you good at? When it comes to doing the "right" thing, clearly your definition and theirs have differed. It takes a lot of listening, listening and more listening to figure out what "right" is. More often that not, it's a miscommunication error. If something goes awry from what you had anticipated, you need to make it loud and clear what your motives were.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  December 16,2009, 11:06am
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You're still alive, so you've been doing some things right.

I challenge you, right here, right now: State something you've done right in the last 24 hours. It could be as basic as "I ate some food so I will continue to exist."

If you stop focusing on mistakes or failures to the exclusion of successes, your self-confidence will improve.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #4  December 16,2009, 11:11am
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spinal97 wrote :
I know self-confidence is extremely important when it comes to dating. But my question is, How do you keep your self confidence up if your not successful with women, especially when it's been your whole life? I know that's not the only way to gain self confidence. But how can you gain any if all your life you got nothing but criticism that you always do the wrong thing and when you always try to do the right thing, more often than not it backfires?

How do you get self-confidence when your life is like this?
This will sound simplistic but I found when I was busy doing other things doors opened.
Take up a hobby that you enjoy. Conquer something you never thought you could do. This builds self esteem and takes the anxiety away from the other because you are no longer so focused on what you dont have or think you need. You will come across as a more relaxed person because. Well your more satisfied with yourself.
This actually goes along with the belief that you get more of what you focus on. If you focus on debt, thats all you see and seems like it brings more. Take the focus off the lack and you will be surprised at how you feel.
Works for me. I didnt say it is easy though. You have to retrain your mind to stop telling you there isnt. There is!
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #5  December 16,2009, 11:25am

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spinal97 wrote :
I know self-confidence is extremely important when it comes to dating. But my question is, How do you keep your self confidence up if your not successful with women, especially when it's been your whole life? I know that's not the only way to gain self confidence. But how can you gain any if all your life you got nothing but criticism that you always do the wrong thing and when you always try to do the right thing, more often than not it backfires?

How do you get self-confidence when your life is like this?
Sometimes rejection is not necessarily about you, it's about them.

It took a long time for me to realize this myself.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #6  December 16,2009, 11:26am
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spinal97 wrote :
I know self-confidence is extremely important when it comes to dating. But my question is, How do you keep your self confidence up if your not successful with women, especially when it's been your whole life? I know that's not the only way to gain self confidence. But how can you gain any if all your life you got nothing but criticism that you always do the wrong thing and when you always try to do the right thing, more often than not it backfires?
Honestly? You simply have to stop caring. You have to stop viewing women and dates as being so important, and you have to stop imagining that every unsuccessful attempt to set up a date or ask a woman out is a "failure" on your part. Because it isn't.

I doubt that anyone is giving you "criticism that you always do the wrong thing". If anyone is giving you such criticism, it is you. So stop it.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #7  December 16,2009, 11:36am
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[quote=melman;825703

I doubt that anyone is giving you "criticism that you always do the wrong thing". If anyone is giving you such criticism, it is you. So stop it.[/quote]

What Mel said. Bluntly stated but true.
We are usually our own worst critics.
Last edited by livenlearn; December 16,2009 at 11:37am. Reason: I cant fix it
 
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Photog is offline Photog Post #8  December 16,2009, 11:37am
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It's not easy to do, and I know from experience. But the key is to DO. No amount of sitting around psyching yourself out is going to help. No book you can read, no self-realization you can make. You have to do something. And you have to be honest with yourself, and not make excuses.

Are you overweight? Do what I did; swallow your pride and get on a real weight loss program, and not just some fad or pill that promises you quick results with little or no work. Weight watchers is a real option. Schedule yourself to go to the gym 5 days a week. Dropping that extra weight will give you a big shot of confidence in your appearance.

Find something that you love to do, and get GOOD at it. I learne photography, went to a professional school on my off time, joined the PPA, and believe me, knowing that I'm a genuine pro at something helps my self confidence.

Do something worthwhile. Find a place that you can volunteer, and do it on a regular basis. Work for a local charity, or for houses for humanity, or something like that. Know that you're a worthwhile person that gives back to his community.

Put your heart into your job and work harder than you have to. Excel.

And while you're doing those things, remember that self confidence is not the same as arrogance. Share your sense of accomplishment with your family or your closest friends, but other than that, don't tell other people about it unless it comes up in the natural course of conversation.

But whatever you do, don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself all the time. I wasted a couple of years doing that, and made my problems that much bigger (literally, in some cases) by not acting. I still have rough days when I have to face the mistakes I made and the years I wasted, but I have far more up days than down now.

Don't expect it to be easy. If it were, it wouldn't be much of an accomplishment, would it?
 
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qt_py is offline qt_py Post #9  December 16,2009, 12:08pm

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When you have self-confidence... you don't care if life throws you a lemon.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #10  December 16,2009, 6:29pm
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Stop focusing on yourself and what you look like to others. Start focusing on how you make others feel. Try to do more listening than talking so you understand where people are coming from and what they might want.
 
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