Peasant is offline Peasant Post #1  December 14,2009, 10:11pm
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I have been running into what I think is an abnormal number of men who have no interest in actual conversation. I will ask them a question, or send them a prefab question to get one word answers that don't even apply to the question. For instance, I asked a prospect three prefab questions recently, and these were his actual answers... 1.) Looking back at your life, describe one particular event you wish you had handled differently? his answer, "love" 2.) What is one dream for your life you look most forward to having come true? his answer, "love" 3.) If you could do something totally out of character and remain anonymous what would you do? his answer, "show love."

I don't understand this, and not just because the answers seem to be the answers of a player, but that across the board, these are the types of answers I recieve from all men. Why is this the trend? As soon as we reach open communication, I have a hope that he will be a little more specific, a little more open, only to discover that he has no desire to actually converse with me. There is nothing he wants to know about me. He tells me repeatedly I am a "pretty lady" in a series of one line emails. It seems to me that these men have paid a lot of money to not take the process seriously. I don't know how to communicate with a man like this to get something deep, something real from him. Am I the one who is skewed, do I just not have one single clue how to talk to a man?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  December 15,2009, 4:09am
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i dont know why someone would pay to do that either so i dont have an answer other than they must not be very serious. some people are really really bad at communicating online. they could be that. honestly if it were me i would close these guys out only because there would probably be no way to really find much out about them until i met them
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #3  December 15,2009, 4:26am
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Some men aren't very verbal and others just repeat what they think you want to hear.

If these are matches, all you can do is just pursue the ones you are interested in and see what happens. The more questions you ask...the more the answers reveal. In fact, one of the reasons I spent 3085 matches on eharmony was that I was looking for a guy that could communicate very well.

Just close out matches that aren't working...it's just time wasted once you know.

So guys that can talk are out there...just keep looking for a good match for you.

Good luck!
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #4  December 15,2009, 4:28am
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Peasant wrote :
1.) Looking back at your life, describe one particular event you wish you had handled differently?

2.) What is one dream for your life you look most forward to having come true?

3.) If you could do something totally out of character and remain anonymous what would you do?
Three of my least favorite questions to receive. Some guys may see these questions overly probing for someone they've never met.

Peasant wrote :
I don't understand this, and not just because the answers seem to be the answers of a player, but that across the board, these are the types of answers I recieve from all men. Why is this the trend? As soon as we reach open communication, I have a hope that he will be a little more specific, a little more open, only to discover that he has no desire to actually converse with me. There is nothing he wants to know about me. He tells me repeatedly I am a "pretty lady" in a series of one line emails. It seems to me that these men have paid a lot of money to not take the process seriously. I don't know how to communicate with a man like this to get something deep, something real from him. Am I the one who is skewed, do I just not have one single clue how to talk to a man?
Short answers are not the sole domain of men. I've had plenty of monosyllabic women. For some people, opening up comes with time.

Odds are you aren't going to get someone to open up that hasn't already, so feel free to close those matches.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #5  December 15,2009, 4:30am
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Hi peasant, welcome to the boards.

It's not just you this happens to. (I no longer belong to eH, but,) I also have this happen to me on occasion. Not alot, but often enough to notice it.

I'll send out a first email communication to a guy and get a very brief "Hi! Thanks for the email, loved your profile!" as the response. Ok, that's nice and fine and good. But.. it leaves me not quite sure what to DO with that, how to respond? Considering in my first email to him I pointed out one or two things from his profile that stood out to me, or ask asked a question or two about something in his profile. Generally, I'll end my emails w/ something along the lines of "If you'd like to communicate further...." well their response seems to indicate that they DO, and yet, at the same time, it kind of leaves me with the feeling that I've got to do all the work conversationally. Difficult when you don't know anything about a person and you've already made one attempt and gotten nothing more to go on.

It's also happened where I've received a first communication from a guy and his email to me consisted of nothing more than "Hi :-)"

Hi ?? Ok! Hi Back at'cha!! LoL Those are the ones I reallyyy don't know what to do with.

I do try and give people the benefit of the doubt that not everyone is comfortable with written communication. While also keeping in mind, that to some extent, writing comes with the territory with online dating. I try to find a happy medium with it really.

Too short answers that seem like there is no thought in them, or one word answers... more often than not, don't cut it for me. The guy might be a great guy, but, I can't really help (or control) what gets and keeps my interest.

It's not just you. (You still might be skewed lol, but this isn't just you!)
 
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DancingFool is online now DancingFool Post #6  December 15,2009, 5:02am
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It's not just you. Personally I avoid asking those kinds of questions because I do find them difficult and way too probing coming from a total stranger. I find that if I ask more lighthearted questions, I'll actually get nice answers that still give me a glimpse into the person.

Also, those monosyllabic answers are definitely not a good indication of who they are as a person. A lot of energetic, outgoing men hate sitting at a computer and writing. So don't try to develop an e-mail relationship or get into too much depth with a stranger you've never met before and have no clue that you will even like in person. Rather give them the benefit of the doubt and meet in person as soon as possible. Remember that depth in any relationship actually comes slowly with time, as you spend time with each other, do things together and slowly learn about each other. Keep relationships real and don't fall into pen pals trap.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  December 15,2009, 8:15am
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Some people are terrible at written/online communication. Doesn't mean they will be, in person. I think it's a mistake to try to figure out who someone is as a person, while your communication is still just online. A better use of GC/OC is to explore factual dealbreakers instead ... things like "yes kids/no kids", "yes marriage/no marriage" ... stuff that really can't be negotiated in a relationship.

And move on to in-person meetings.
 
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qt_py is offline qt_py Post #8  December 15,2009, 10:36am

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Your questions sound like something one would face in a job interview...
 
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melman is offline melman Post #9  December 15,2009, 4:25pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
A better use of GC/OC is to explore factual dealbreakers instead ... things like "yes kids/no kids", "yes marriage/no marriage"
Oh, my... no.

The goal of the eH process is to get your match to want to meet you. Your goal should be to keep the interaction low-pressure and casual Most of the canned 2nd Questions are terrible in that regard. As are the topics proposed above. Those are totally inappropriate things to be discussing with a total stranger.
 
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SiriusBraveFan is offline SiriusBraveFan Post #10  December 15,2009, 5:42pm
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The first question in your list ("Looking back at your life, describe one particular event you wish you had handled differently?") can be a bit of a tough question. But I don't think the other two are that bad. They may not be the easiest of all the questions, but most normal people would come up with something more than the one word answers you revealed. I'm not a very good communicator, but I would surely put something other than that.
 
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