She does not want to be with me because I'm "too nice".


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Michael1974 is offline Michael1974 Post #41  November 20,2009, 10:44pm
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melman wrote :
Nobody has said to lie. You're not seeing the subtlety and the importance of not simply being an "open book" all the time.
I'm not being an open book. The woman asked me what I want and I told her. She asked me a simple question and I gave her a simple answer.
 
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dnnmllr is offline dnnmllr Post #42  November 21,2009, 9:18am
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Michael1974 wrote :
Hello all. I met a girl online and after talking for a few weeks, she asked what I want and I answered, "all I want is a single girl who's looking for a guy for a relationship" and I also said I do not want to get with a ton of women. She said that is too nice. Insane. How is that "too nice"? I'd think it is normal and practical.
Instead of "imagining" what she may have meant when she said *snip*"that is too nice"*snip*..... I suggest you follow up with (something like) ," Please help me know what you are saying as I do not understand". A "good" girl will happily respond with an answer.

I wish you well.
Last edited by dnnmllr; November 21,2009 at 9:53am. Reason: more effective writing
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #43  November 21,2009, 9:34am
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Michael1974 wrote :
Hopefully from now on, people will be honest with each other and not say the too nice jazz. As a matter of fact, back in 2007 I did press someone to tell me the truth as to why she didn't want to be with me and she did the same routine as everyone else. These are the people who need to be honest. You're right - she is out of my life and it is for the better. I never discussed any of that stuff on a first date ... she just asked me a question based on my personal ad. My first dates are always very chilled out, relaxed and only fun topics are discussed. Nothing intense at all. As for qualities, it would be redundant to say ... I am looking for what each and every one of us is looking for. People may take issue with my statement, but when it is all said and done, it is true. All of us are looking for a partner to spend our lives with. I know there are some people who say they only want a partner who is into Metal or Country or Punk or Hip Hop, but I'm going to place such a requirement on someone.
yes but ... you should have some idea what qualities you want in a long-term mate, and what are your deal-breakers. This makes it sound to me like you haven't thought much about that and are just relying on chemistry or the feelings of the moment to guide you.

When you are caught up in chemistry it's real easy to minimize the flaws and deal-breakers, so I think if you haven't already done so, it would be wise to spend a few minutes mapping out what qualities your ideal mate would have beyond the right chemistry.

Maybe I am misreading this and if so I apologize, but that's my advice after making lots of my own mistakes.

I wish you good luck and success.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #44  November 21,2009, 9:43am
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Michael1974 wrote :
I'm not being an open book. The woman asked me what I want and I told her. She asked me a simple question and I gave her a simple answer.
This is a bit silly. You just said you weren't an open book, followed by something that says you were in fact an open book.

There's nothing wrong with being an open book. She read you, she got you, she decided you weren't the one.

You know I was once on a date with a fella who mid-date looked me square in the eye and said, "You seem like a straight arrow."

I agreed.

He nodded.

I never heard from him again after that date, which left me in some confusion for a time. Was there something wrong with being a straight arrow? What did that mean?

Later, I learned why. He had decided I was too nice to be played.

You should be thankful this woman decided you were too nice to toy with. Some folks are not nearly so nice.
 
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peaches10083 is offline peaches10083 Post #45  November 21,2009, 10:00am
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If you have to lower your standards to be with someone, they're not the one for you. After 25yrs of marriage my ex said i was to nice,and left.
 
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Michael1974 is offline Michael1974 Post #46  November 21,2009, 11:05am
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dnnmllr wrote :
Instead of "imagining" what she may have meant when she said *snip*"that is too nice"*snip*..... I suggest you follow up with (something like) ," Please help me know what you are saying as I do not understand". A "good" girl will happily respond with an answer.

I wish you well.
That actually was what I asked and that was her answer ... too nice. She was not being honest. It looks like that is the final verdict here.
 
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Michael1974 is offline Michael1974 Post #47  November 21,2009, 11:12am
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nightling wrote :
yes but ... you should have some idea what qualities you want in a long-term mate, and what are your deal-breakers. This makes it sound to me like you haven't thought much about that and are just relying on chemistry or the feelings of the moment to guide you.

When you are caught up in chemistry it's real easy to minimize the flaws and deal-breakers, so I think if you haven't already done so, it would be wise to spend a few minutes mapping out what qualities your ideal mate would have beyond the right chemistry.

Maybe I am misreading this and if so I apologize, but that's my advice after making lots of my own mistakes.

I wish you good luck and success.
The qualities are that I want a potential mate to share my interests. The problem is that I do not want her to think that if she doesn't share my interests in history or music, I will reject her. It's a double-edge sword. I want someone who is honest and will not cheat ... but that is what everyone wants and I figure that is a given. It's like saying I want someone who is breathing.
 
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Michael1974 is offline Michael1974 Post #48  November 21,2009, 11:15am
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nightling wrote :
This is a bit silly. You just said you weren't an open book, followed by something that says you were in fact an open book.
There's nothing wrong with being an open book. She read you, she got you, she decided you weren't the one.
You know I was once on a date with a fella who mid-date looked me square in the eye and said, "You seem like a straight arrow."
I agreed.
He nodded.
I never heard from him again after that date, which left me in some confusion for a time. Was there something wrong with being a straight arrow? What did that mean?
Later, I learned why. He had decided I was too nice to be played.
You should be thankful this woman decided you were too nice to toy with. Some folks are not nearly so nice.
The guy was not being open and honest about his thoughts with and for you. That is exactly what happened to me. Everyone is telling me was not being honest and she let me go the way that she did. It's best I e-mailed her as soon as I did and got it over with. It's done now and I am looking toward the future. Too nice is just an excuse. How does anyone know I am too nice or even slightly nice if she never met me?
Last edited by Michael1974; November 21,2009 at 11:15am. Reason: one typo
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #49  November 21,2009, 11:31am
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Michael1974 wrote :
The guy was not being open and honest about his thoughts with and for you. That is exactly what happened to me. Everyone is telling me was not being honest and she let me go the way that she did. It's best I e-mailed her as soon as I did and got it over with. It's done now and I am looking toward the future. Too nice is just an excuse. How does anyone know I am too nice or even slightly nice if she never met me?
The point is you got off easy. Be happy she's not wasting your time.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #50  November 21,2009, 2:22pm
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nightling wrote :
yes but ... you should have some idea what qualities you want in a long-term mate, and what are your deal-breakers. This makes it sound to me like you haven't thought much about that and are just relying on chemistry or the feelings of the moment to guide you.

When you are caught up in chemistry it's real easy to minimize the flaws and deal-breakers, so I think if you haven't already done so, it would be wise to spend a few minutes mapping out what qualities your ideal mate would have beyond the right chemistry.

Maybe I am misreading this and if so I apologize, but that's my advice after making lots of my own mistakes.

I wish you good luck and success.
You may be right that someone might infer that his response may be generic & not well thought out...but it's not & WOW that is a major reach.

How do you verbalise goodness really & why would you even have to?

It is also very hard to specifically identify flaws that would bother me & the ones that I would think are funny. That is so individually based that it really cannot be verbalised.

What combination of flaws & limitations would I be fine with?? I don't really know. There are too many variables to consider.

Someone could be OCD & it actually depends entirely in what ways & how it manifests itself as to whether or not I would love it or hate it. Got to live with it to find out.

That is unfortunate that his response could be interpreted that way.

If she was basing her "too nice" judgement on just the response then that doesn't make sense to me.

I do think that the OP is nice so she is right about that but I was assuming that there were other signs that showed that. She was not right about the "too nice" part though.

It is amazing that people can assume that because someone treats them well that perhaps they would allow someone to take advantage of them. That is really not true. When I meet someone I assume that they will NOT try to take advantage of me... so I don't do anything to prove that I would not let her do so.

Unfortunately messages do not get sent accurately. What I take to be unnecessary to say may actually need to be said.

I have made the mistake of assuming that a date knew how I was & didn't need explicit details. I was so comfortable & she seemed to be so much like me & my friends that I felt that she already knew certain things.

It is hard to portray who I am when I do assume that certain things are just expected as normal. When I meet someone I expect normal & healthy.... some people expect the opposite & need to be proven otherwise. It is an entirely different viewpoint. One being positive & the other negative.
 
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