She does not want to be with me because I'm "too nice".


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Kinjia is offline Kinjia Post #31  November 20,2009, 3:48pm
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Michael1974 wrote :
Yes. In my own mind, when I stated my intention, I knew it would have to be with someone I click with and have feelings for. I have been hearing complaints (reasonable complaints) from women for years now ... they say they are sick of meeting guys who just want to hook up and do not want serious committed relationships. Now that a guy shows up to say that he genuinely wants a relationship, people claim he is just settling for anyone. It's as if women dream of finding guys who have a desire to be faithful to one partner, but then when a guy like that shows up, it's a different story.
Maddening. What I've seen of you in 2 days looks like what most women seem to be pining for... Mad, mad world.
 
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Michael1974 is offline Michael1974 Post #32  November 20,2009, 4:00pm
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BikerBeagle wrote :
I'm agreeing with what others are saying ...
"all I want is a single girl who's looking for a guy for a relationship" = too passive/nice.

Chances are, she probably was just letting you down 'easy' ..."your a nice guy, but ...", etc. You have the long hair, so maybe they are looking for 'bad boys' - who knows? I stopped trying to figure women out in the 2nd grade. By asking the question at all, she was probably looking for a way to remove herself from your radar by finding something you 'want' that she doesn't have.

Next time, you should have a better answer, though ...here's a thought ...

Her: "What do you want in a woman?"
You: "Oh, I'll know it when I see it"
You: *look directly in her eyes and smile*

Be coy, be flirty, don't let her get the upper hand with these kinds of questions ...she needs to know that she has to work for you, just as much as you have to work for her.
That's true. It's a darn shame we have to play games in order to get with someone but I guess I'll start doing it. If I met a girl who is just the opposite and is straight up interested in me I will not put her through any of that.

She was crazy about the long hair ... she initially couldn't stop talking about how gorgeous my hair was and how I looked in some pictures and then she immediately stopped talking to me and it made me think, "huh?".

If everyone is agreeing I'd say everyone also agrees that the girl should have been honest. It's a poor showing of character on her part.

Again, no one has defined too nice yet. I have been speaking English for years and I still have no idea what it means. If we decide to live in a world where people should not be nice, we are in big trouble.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #33  November 20,2009, 6:59pm
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"The only problem though is that if I say I am into lifting weights or honoring our Veterans by going to historic reenactments or going to concerts, if a girl is not into any of that, she will not even bother to respond to my ad, but all of the above has nothing to do with a potential partner."

If you expounded on your interests whether the woman was into it or not, you'd pique someone's interest. Weight lifting says you're in good shape, Historical reenactments tells me you're smart, and going to concerts says you're not a couch potato and can get loose. Women would be especially intrigued by the historical renactments. It makes you stand out from the crowd and you would want someone that would find your interests appealing even if they didn't share them. The complaint I hear most often is everyone sounds alike. When I read a profile that's different I'm pumped, even if the pic is only so-so. Give it a try why settle for safe?
Last edited by Alli824; November 20,2009 at 7:01pm.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #34  November 20,2009, 7:02pm
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It is probably better to not say that you are committment minded.

Some women don't know how to take that because it is not what they are used to or it doesn't fit the image of the guy in their mind.

As annoying as it might be, maybe you (we) should give the impression that committment is a four letter word.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #35  November 20,2009, 7:28pm
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I think although women may in fact want a "nice" man (i.e. reliable, kind, etc.), they want to discover it for themselves. They don't want to read about your niceness in your profile. They don't want you to lecture them about how nice you are. They don't even want you to show it right away by being over-the-top nice. Don't put yourself on a pedestal as an ideal "nice guy" that she may not think she's worthy of.

What they want is to peel back your outer shell and discover that at your core, you are in fact the nice guy that they are seeking.

It's a delicate balance. Instead of being "nice", simply avoid being "not nice". Keep a bit of an air of mystery about yourself... don't write long answers to the eH questions and avoid answering a question every now and then. Not in the interest of being un-nice, but to make her work a little to discover who you really are.
 
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Michael1974 is offline Michael1974 Post #36  November 20,2009, 7:41pm
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bigfincat wrote :
It is probably better to not say that you are committment minded.

Some women don't know how to take that because it is not what they are used to or it doesn't fit the image of the guy in their mind.

As annoying as it might be, maybe you (we) should give the impression that committment is a four letter word.
This leaves me with three options: 1.) If I say I am not commitment-minded, she will say I am like all the rest and a guy who is not serious about a relationship or 2.) If I just tell her I refuse to answer the question, she will say that I am not serious about her or 3.) I could just say, let's just date and see where it goes. I really do not want to do that because it implies that it is just casual and more in line with hooking up.

I have seen a lot of feedback on this message board that gives a green light to lie, whether it is about my intentions or a phony act of confidence. I see the argument, but I am not the kind of person who wants to lie. I just don't want to do it.

It should not be a tough call. Men should be commitment-minded and women should be receptive to that and vice versa. When it's all said and done, all of us want commitment. I agree that it would shock some women who hear that and that unfortunately tells of the deplorable condition our world is in. I'd like to change that; I don't want the world to be deplorable.
 
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Kinjia is offline Kinjia Post #37  November 20,2009, 8:21pm
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Please don't change then. Stay true to yourself.

I hope you find this woman soon, Michael. The world needs to be shaken up some - 2 strands are better than 1.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #38  November 20,2009, 8:23pm
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Michael1974 wrote :
This leaves me with three options: 1.) If I say I am not commitment-minded, she will say I am like all the rest and a guy who is not serious about a relationship or 2.) If I just tell her I refuse to answer the question, she will say that I am not serious about her or 3.) I could just say, let's just date and see where it goes. I really do not want to do that because it implies that it is just casual and more in line with hooking up.

I have seen a lot of feedback on this message board that gives a green light to lie, whether it is about my intentions or a phony act of confidence. I see the argument, but I am not the kind of person who wants to lie. I just don't want to do it.

It should not be a tough call. Men should be commitment-minded and women should be receptive to that and vice versa. When it's all said and done, all of us want commitment. I agree that it would shock some women who hear that and that unfortunately tells of the deplorable condition our world is in. I'd like to change that; I don't want the world to be deplorable.
I agree in theory.

I would not recommend lying. But, as Melman said, somehow not answering or not answering clearly a question related to committment if it comes up in the first couple of months.

Not being transparent is holding back but not really lying & it leaves a little mystery.

I know that it is difficult. My 2 greatest criteria are high levels of sweet & nice so it is hard to relate to the concept of too nice.

I do get it in the excessive gift giving, can I get you anything constantly type stuff but that does not translate to being nice...that only translates into exactly what it is.

Maybe we need a good line/joke to deflect those kinds of questions so as to not lie outright.
 
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Michael1974 is offline Michael1974 Post #39  November 20,2009, 8:29pm
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Kinjia wrote :
Please don't change then. Stay true to yourself.

I hope you find this woman soon, Michael. The world needs to be shaken up some - 2 strands are better than 1.
Yes. I have to be true to myself; I would not have it any other way.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #40  November 20,2009, 8:41pm
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Michael1974 wrote :
I have seen a lot of feedback on this message board that gives a green light to lie, whether it is about my intentions or a phony act of confidence. I see the argument, but I am not the kind of person who wants to lie. I just don't want to do it.
Nobody has said to lie. You're not seeing the subtlety and the importance of not simply being an "open book" all the time.

wrote :
It should not be a tough call. Men should be commitment-minded and women should be receptive to that and vice versa. When it's all said and done, all of us want commitment.
Maybe you need to realize that no two people have the same goals. Heck, even one person's goals change from day to day and from date to date. Don't lock yourself into what you think everyone "should" do. That's a sure recipe for failure.
 
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