ilonka is offline ilonka Post #1  November 14,2009, 10:07am
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Am I just not ready to date?


I’m 22 and I have been in two relationships, both lasting less than 4 months each, and at least a year apart. My last ex ended up going crazy on me and called me non stop threatening me and pleading with me, and would show up at my church, and once at my work parking refusing to leave until I tried on the ring he got me because he was “supposedly” planning on proposing before I broke up with him. He really scared the hell out of me, and I only survived this emotional turmoil with Gods help and trusting God would protect me (instead of a restraining order). Anyways, I’ve been completely disinterested in dating or even thinking about guys for like two years already, until finally this summer I actually had a crush (which I didn’t allow to go anywhere because he lives halfway across the globe since I was on a missionary trip in his country). But here I am, 2+ years after my traumatizing experience, but I’m starting to think I just don’t know how to do the whole dating thing again. I’m scared. And I find reasons why I shouldn’t “lead someone on” by showing absolutely no interest in the guys that are interested in me. I feel like I am responsible for hurting guys if I lead them on in the SLIGHEST way, which includes going out with someone I’m not sure I’m into.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #2  November 14,2009, 10:17am
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You should have gone out with him. Not all guys assume that a relationship will occur...but they become at least friends.

Given your past have you thought about some counseling either with a professional or through your church?

Whether you have counseling or not ...you are going to have to let your guard down and try again.

I know someone who went through something similar and she turned off dating because of it....and now 20 yrs later shes regretting it because she missed opportunities to meet someone that doesnt happen when younger.
 
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ilonka is offline ilonka Post #3  November 14,2009, 11:08am
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I must be crazy, bwahahahahaha!

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Thanks for your reply. Yes I have talked to my pastor who helped me and then I met with another young pastor's wife for some time and she helped keep me afloat and get over it all.

I suppose you're right that not everyone expects a relationship out of dating right away. I'm just afraid breaking someone's heart. But I am trying to let my guard down a bit, otherwise I have no right to be disappointed when guys are afraid to ask me out.
 
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takeoff_a is offline takeoff_a Post #4  November 14,2009, 5:56pm
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I like your post. It reminds me of me. I asked my pastor before I started college about dating and he said that I just got to put myself out there, sometimes she's more interested than you are and you have to kindly say, "sorry, i'm not that into you"

I realized I was more afraid of having to do it than I really was of hurting anyone. I have hurt people in my past before by telling them it wasn't mutual but it really didn't bother me because I knew it was best for both of us.

I've been learning it's just important to be honest and communicate. So many things happen naturally. I'm learning to relax and enjoy it. It's my life anyhow and it's God's story to tell. So I can just enjoy it and let him tell the kind of story He's always wanted to tell.

Feel empowered to know that you get to set the parameters and leave if you need to/cut if off when you want to/and move on when you want to. So what's it gonna be? What do you want?
 
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ilonka is offline ilonka Post #5  December 5,2009, 11:28pm
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I totally know what you mean on knowing that it's better for both of you and therefore not feeling bad for breaking up with someone. But us girls, we're kind ridiculous sometimes with feeling bad for this kind of thing. I hate that I always have to be "the responsibile one" to identify that the person is not for me. Like, why can't the guys man up and realize it themselves? Instead, they want a smooth ride without acknowledging what I want but at the same time not lose me. Well you know I'm not feeling bad for anything anymore. It's life, and if they can't see where I'm coming from, then they obviously don't understand me and there's an answer right there. Lol, sorry I'm kinda venting here.

Anyways, I am actually glad I didn't go out with this other guy that asked me out 3 times. Funny how things turned out, but I was totally right about my gut feeling.

The thing is, I KNOW what I want, and I know who I am, and I know what things I absolutely will NOT compromise on. So as soon as I identify red flags, I don't stick around to see "what if". It is my life afterall, and I believe that a wife should be supportive of her husband, so there's no reason for me to date someone I can't imagine supporting later in life because they don't value the same things as me.

Anyways, it is empowering to know that you don't have to take just anything, after all we are the only ones responsible for the paths we choose in life. It would be a shame to settle and then regret.
 
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whatalife1683 is offline whatalife1683 Post #6  December 6,2009, 12:45am
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I think over time you figure out what you want. You are still young, so there is plenty of time to figure things out. I was in a 6 and half year relationship, and I thought I would never date again. It took me well over 6 months to go on a date. I have had some bad experience with some women, but I do not let it keep me down. It will bother me for a litte bit, but I just move on. If I dwell on a bad experience, then I am missing out on better opportunities out there. By the way, it is good to know what you want. Each and every person knows what they want in a person. Some people may seem different and not what you want, but you would be surprise to learn that sometimes that person is what you want.
 
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livinagin is offline livinagin Post #7  December 6,2009, 8:19am
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My 2 cents . . . sometimes the trip is the most enjoyable part. By that, I mean that you grow as a person with each person you meet. I don't go on a date expecting that this will be my one and only. I go on a date expecting to have a good conversation and meet an interesting person and, hopefully, learn something that I can apply to my own life. Sometimes dates turn out to be awful -- but there is almost always a good lesson to be learned. I call it being a sponge (and that is a good thing).

I think you should consider changing your outlook about dating. If you don't feel like this person is a good match for you, find a nice way of letting them down easily (experience/experiment is usually the best teacher).
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #8  December 6,2009, 9:13am
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Definitely do not date guys that you are not interested in. Theres a reason you aren't interested.

I really would not try to push myself to do something i am not comfortable with yet. You dont sound comfortable. You are still SO young. There is absolutely no rush whatsoever to start dating, and if you are not interested and someone calls you "mean" that is NOT your problem. I think you dodged a bullet on that one.
 
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