Guys: Do we ladies overthink things?


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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  November 4,2009, 3:38pm
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I've seen a few ladies lately posting that they're confused by things their guys have said to them.

Speaking only for myself, I get confused sometimes too and almost invaribly, here's how it all plays out.

He says something that's kind of like a "huh???" for me.

I let it go (or, try to) and then end up thinking about it....trying to interpret, imagining everything from the very best case scenario to utter disaster.

Finally, I come out and ask him. Usually he's:

-surprised that I was confused about it (because he thought he was really clear)

or

-sad that I spent so much energy worrying about it vs. just asking for clarification right away

and

-happy to answer any questions or talk things over more so that we reach the point where we understand each other

In the end I'm always amazed at:

-how easy it was for me to get the clarification I needed

and

-how often the reality was much closer to the "best case scenario" than "utter disaster".

(It should be noted that I've still done this far too often considering these lessons I've learned about this -- but I'm really planning to be better about it once I have a guy to practice this "come right out with it" approach with! ).


Now, on to my questions for the guys:

-Has this happened to you in your dating / relationships?

-Generally have the women involved been needlessly worried about things in these scenarios?

-Are you: surprised, put off, or welcoming of very direct questions about things you and yours might have discussed which were not completely understood on her end?

Goal of this conversation is to help women be more confident in communicating with the men in their lives when they're confused about what's going on. Looking forward to the feedback!
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #2  November 4,2009, 3:42pm
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But Lori, is this really a "female" thing? These boards are filled with examples of men also falling into the "overthinking" trap...
 
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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  November 4,2009, 3:49pm
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neardc wrote :
But Lori, is this really a "female" thing? These boards are filled with examples of men also falling into the "overthinking" trap...
You may be right. Perhaps I was UNDERTHINKING the issue!

 
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Hew is offline Hew Post #4  November 4,2009, 3:49pm
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Oh I'm definitely a thinker... it's part of my charm.
 
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chrysalis08 is offline chrysalis08 Post #5  November 4,2009, 3:53pm
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Curious to see the responses to this one from the guys. As a woman, if a guy overthinks things it gets a bit weird on my end...
 
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nancymargritangelita is offline nancymargritangelita Post #6  November 4,2009, 4:04pm
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I'm also curious about what guys think.

Speaking as a female I definitely overthink things. I'm not always good at verbalizing what I feel and I think before I speak.

My mother is the exact opposite, maybe because she and my father will be married 51 years at the end of this month. Sometimes she'll say something to him and he won't be listening. When she attracts his attention, he goes into the old "I had my eyes closed because I was thinking" routine or something similar. She'll tell him "I know when you're sleeping and I know when you're thinking. I have something to say to you and you better pay attention because I'm not going to say it again." She doesn't overthink his reactions because she's familiar with all of them already; she just gets down to business with her concerns so that she can move on to the next phase of things.
 
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nancymargritangelita is offline nancymargritangelita Post #7  November 4,2009, 4:05pm
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I'd like to know how many guys overthink things.
 
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CapnCrunch23 is offline CapnCrunch23 Post #8  November 4,2009, 4:09pm

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nancymargritangelita wrote :
I'd like to know how many guys overthink things.
Just one.. He does all thinking for the rest of us and emails us his findings the choosen one rotates yearly..
Last edited by CaptCrunch23; November 4,2009 at 4:13pm. Reason: Yup men can overthink things too. me guilty of that sometimes!
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #9  November 4,2009, 4:39pm
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I sometimes overthink things, so it's definitely not just a female issue.

I don't mind if a woman overthinks something, so long as she seeks clarification in a tactful way.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  November 4,2009, 4:45pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Lori....the examples you give seem more like 'failures to communicate' than overthinking.

I just had one of these things happen to me. When saying goodbye to a woman I went to meet for the first time this past weekend she asked me when I was coming back to see her. I told her I couldn't see her next Sat. but would like to see her the following Sat. Well, I later heard through her sister that she interpreted this to mean I either wasn't very interested in her or maybe I had another girlfriend that I going to be seeing next Sat.

I've found these types of miscommunications or mis-assumptions happen more for me in early stages of a relationship, before myself and someone else get to feel comfortable enough to simply ask for clarification on things like this, rather than just being quiet and wondering or mis-assuming. I can be guilty of it myself at times too.
 
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