Guys: Do we ladies overthink things?


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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #11  November 4,2009, 4:54pm
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Yep...yep...yep...Women over think things all the time. It doesn't matter if it's a romantic relationship or a friendship type relationship. And it almost always (at least in my experience) leads them to lean towards the utter disaster scenario.

If something is unclear, a direct question works best for me. Relationships are about communication...right ? If my friend or SO couldn't comfortably come to me with a question about...whatever...it wouldn't be much of a relationship.
 
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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #12  November 4,2009, 5:05pm
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CaptCrunch23 wrote :
Just one.. He does all thinking for the rest of us and emails us his findings the choosen one rotates yearly..
OH, that's hilarious! You made me LOL.

jayjay, you're probably right. I struggle with the face-to-face, even on the phone. I'm (usually) REALLY good in written conversation.....that's why I prefer to IM for a couple of days before moving to phone, then meeting when I'm dating. Not that I like to drag things on by any stretch but it helps me to get comfortable communicating with someone in the ways I'm most comfortable communicating.

chrysalis08, I know what you mean but I also am kind of impressed when I meet a guy who puts more than a little bit of thought into relationship stuff. For me it's a fine line, too much and it makes me wonder....
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is online now Gr8Guyn2008 Post #13  November 4,2009, 6:42pm
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neardc wrote :
But Lori, is this really a "female" thing? These boards are filled with examples of men also falling into the "over-thinking" trap...
Is it really over-thinking or is it just plain poor communication?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is online now Gr8Guyn2008 Post #14  November 4,2009, 6:46pm
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Lori, sweetheart, you work with a whole boatload of psychologists (or so the ads would have us believe). Why don't you hike down the hall and ask them if guys and girls communicate in the same way.

Take a poll of the staff psychologists and report the findings
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is online now Gr8Guyn2008 Post #15  November 4,2009, 6:47pm
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hazmat wrote :
Yep...yep...yep...Women over think things all the time. It doesn't matter if it's a romantic relationship or a friendship type relationship. And it almost always (at least in my experience) leads them to lean towards the utter disaster scenario.

If something is unclear, a direct question works best for me. Relationships are about communication...right ? If my friend or SO couldn't comfortably come to me with a question about...whatever...it wouldn't be much of a relationship.
So here is a question for you. How was the Meet & Greet last weekend?
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #16  November 4,2009, 7:43pm
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To the OP.
Yes, you do overthink or rather over feel things that your man says to you. Men usually say what they mean and that is that, we are verbally more simple in our communication than women. Women often say one thing and subtly mean another, therefore interpreting your man's communication in a feminine way is bound to lead to confusion.
 
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chrysalis08 is offline chrysalis08 Post #17  November 4,2009, 8:07pm
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eHA_Admin_Lori wrote :
chrysalis08, I know what you mean but I also am kind of impressed when I meet a guy who puts more than a little bit of thought into relationship stuff. For me it's a fine line, too much and it makes me wonder....
s

Yes, I agree with you, if it's not over doing it then it shows that he's interested enough to be trying to do the right thing. If I'm into him, then I like that. It doesn't leave me wondering. It's when a guy goes on and on asking "did I say the wrong thing?", or quoting back all kinds of things you said in conversations verbatim as if they were his original thoughts - and then tries to make you see how much you have in common. I call it "mirroring" and it feels so insincere. I don't want a mirror of myself - rather a compliment.
 
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TheWanderer is offline TheWanderer Post #18  November 4,2009, 8:27pm
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No, I do not think women overthink things, so much as land on an incorrect assumption and trying to support it as truth. Men can do this as well, but women seem more likely to prize themselves on their ability to "read" people, or grasp the "hidden meaning." So what do I mean?

FACTS: There could be hundreds, or thousands, or an infinite number of reasons as to why something happens. Or in this case, why someone says something, or what they are actually thinking. You will never know what that other person is thinking, or HOW they are thinking it (we each think differently, the same way there are different meanings in different cultures - their action may not mean the same thing to them as it does to you).

So

SOLUTION: We tend to rationalize to a great extreme. We fill that lack of certainty with our own experiences, or our own hopes. So jayjay says he can't meet next Saturday. In his mind he's thinking about whatever he's got to do Saturday, and when he's next available. She hears "I can't meet next Saturday" and nothing else, none of what's going on in his mind. She's feeling a little insecure. So without that certainty (from familiarity or whatever) she fills that in with her own concerns and deduces that he really means he's not interested.

I tend to think of overthinking as just spinning your wheels pointlessly on something obvious - more of a different issue. And I'm not saying take everything at face value, more that we should just accept we're not mind readers and will never (at least not without spending a lot of time with someone) have clear insight into what they're thinking. So all of this "reading between the lines" can be fun, but ultimately pointless, and even harmful to a relationship in the extreme.

Yeah! I really sound like I know what I'm talking about!
Last edited by TheWanderer; November 4,2009 at 8:35pm.
 
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chrysalis08 is offline chrysalis08 Post #19  November 4,2009, 8:34pm
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TheWanderer wrote :
No, I do not think women overthink things, so much as landing on an incorrect assumption and trying to support it as truth. Men can do this as well, but women seem more likely to prize themselves on their ability to "read" people, or grasp the "hidden meaning." So what do I mean?

FACTS: There could be hundreds, or thousands, or an infinite number of reasons as to why something happens. Or in this case, why someone says something, or what they are actually thinking. You will never know what that other person is thinking, or HOW they are thinking it (we each think differently, the same way there are different meanings in different cultures - their action may not mean the same thing to them as it does to you).

So

SOLUTION: We tend to rationalize to a great extreme. We fill that lack of certainty with our own experiences, or our own hopes. So jayjay says he can't meet next Saturday. In his mind he's thinking about whatever he's got to do Saturday, and when he's next available. She hears "I can't meet next Saturday" and nothing else, none of what's going on in his mind. She's feeling a little insecure. So without that certainty (from familiarity or whatever) she fills that in with her own concerns and deduces that he really means he's not interested.

I tend to think of overthinking as just spinning your wheels pointlessly on something obvious - more of a different issue. And I'm not saying take everything at face value, more that we should just accept we're not mind readers and will never (at least not without spending a lot of time with someone) have clear insight into what they're thinking. So all of this "reading between the lines" can be fun, but ultimately pointless, and even harmful to a relationship in the extreme.

Yeah! I really sound like I know what I'm talking about!
True, been guilty of doing that.
 
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nancymargritangelita is offline nancymargritangelita Post #20  November 5,2009, 3:15pm
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CaptCrunch23 wrote :
Just one.. He does all thinking for the rest of us and emails us his findings the choosen one rotates yearly..
Is this a special club you have to join? Is it for men only or can women join too? Maybe we should open our own club. We could set up some kind of competition - the first competition could be who does the most overthinking.
 
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